[text] "Hey" Hi. "I'm just laying in bed thinking about you." This is your mom. "New phone who dis?" Eric, that doesn't work. You texted me.

[phone rings in 1984] "Eric get the phone" Hello? "Tell em I'm not home." She's not home. "Ask who it is." My mom wants to know who this is.

A Mafia Don hires a deaf accountant. He was pleased with himself for coming up with the idea; if the man could not hear, he would not be able to testify against the Don about what was said amongst him and his capos. One day, after several months of working near this man, he notices the accountant acting nervous and fidgety. Suddenly wary, the Don decides to take a look at his books to see if any funny business is afoot. After poring over the material, he realizes that there is about 10 million d…

Sailor walks up to a Pirate in a bar... ...offers to buy the pirate a drink if he tells him the tales of his hook, pegleg, and eye patch. The pirate agrees, but to one drink per tale. Sailor buys him a drink, and says, well, why don't you start with the pegleg? Pirate takes a long swig, leans forward and says ""SHARK!"" Sailor nods... opens his mouth, and the pirate interrupts him ""...as I said, shark took me leg; we was in heavy seas, attempting to take a ship, I be slashed and spashed o'r the…