I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under, until my phone got stuck under my bed.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is- MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG? DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

I let friend's kid call my ex & say "Are you really my daddy?" while I'm in the background yelling "hang up the phone,he doesn't want you!"

KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I'm holding your son for ransom. DAD: I have no money, what's the ransom? KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.