Made my mom the most beautiful Mother's Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit Me: ok Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom

Doctor: Describe your headache. Me: She's about 5'8", blonde, and the mother of my children.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family? Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I'll have to check on everyone else. Doc: ...