Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it's not just women who won't marry you.

Judge:"Since we can't prove who's baby it is we will ... cut the baby in half Worm Mom 1:"Sure Worm Mom 2 :"Ya do it.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

[couple tossing baby back and forth] [music stops] judge: custody granted dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT