Obama Jokes

Wee Joe fae Glasgow... After a disasterous earthquake in New York, a wee man from Glasgow headed off across the Atlantic to aid his American friends in the clean up operation. After many days of making little progress, Joe heard that President Obama had arrived to thank everyone who was digging in. That afternoon Joe felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to find himself face to face with the President. "I'd just like to say that your help here is greatly appreciated," Obama said. "Aye, na…

Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim... And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore. "Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you." "Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says. "Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!" She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National …

Barack Obama was out jogging one day... When he tripped, and fell over a bridge railing and landed in the river below. Before secret service could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted in return for saving his life. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disney world!" To which Obama replied, "not a problem, I'll even fly you there in Air Force one." The second kid then says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jord…

Obama Fans - Little Johnny A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican." The teacher asked him why he was a Republ…

Obama travels to England to visit the Queen.... As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth…

Obama, his wife and Oprah Obama, his wife, and Oprah were all flying to DC on a private jet. Obama goes "you know, I could throw a one-thousand dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy!" Then his wife said "well speaking of which, I could throw 10 hundred dollar bills out thewindow and make 10 people very happy." So Oprah goes "well, I could throw 100 10 dollar bills out and make 100 people very happy." The pilot rolled his eyes and looked at the co-pilot and said "They think …

Barak Obama was touring the countryside... ... in his chauffeur-driven limo. Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, and they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Obama says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you were driving.' The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. 'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Obama. Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. 'My god, what happened to …

So this guy, Rob, is at an interview... And on his resume, he claims that he is friends with almost everyone in the world. The boss, who's interviewing him, clearly doesn't believe him. "If you know everyone, then hook me up with Obama." "Oh yeah! Sure! Obama and I went to middle school together! I'll call him up" Rob calls and Obama picks up. "Hey Rob! Yeah long time no see! I was in the middle of writing a big speech, but you can come over to the White House and we can chill." They arrive…

When Obama made his inaugural speech, they put him behind bulletproof glass. And that's proof of the racism that still exists in America today. I mean, just because he's black, doesn't mean he was going to go and shoot everybody.

Obama died, and, as usual for any president, he was lead to the hell. Satan looked at him “ Mmmm, I can see that you have been elected twice as President. Also, you are one of a kind. So, I am giving you a rare opportunity. You can see the other inmates in hell and select your eternal fate. If you chose their fate, they will be sent to heaven”. With nothing to lose, Obama agreed instantly. Now, Satan himself took Obama to show the inmates. The first exhibit was Reagan. It was burning hot and…

Two friends have a bet over who knows more people Two friends, Stephen and James, have an argument over who knows more people. Stephen says: "Well, that's a freebie - I'm bowling buddies with the mayor and know more than half of the town council, and I went to university with that one girl from that soap opera." James: "Yeah, but I bet you don't know the state government." Stephen: What? How would y-- nonsense, you don't know them, least of all the governor." James: "Let's drive to the state c…

Billy Bob applying for a job... Billy Bob is applying for a job at this big company and after the preliminary interview, one of the HR managers tells him: "You know, we'd love to take you, Billy Bob, we really do, but there's so many people applying for this job and you don't have any experience and don't have much of an education - you would have to have some connections to get it." Billy Bob replies: "Well, I know the senator, does that help?" The managers obviously don't believe him, so t…

President Obama walked into the bank to cash a check... As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?" Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!" Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because o…

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'" Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"

The Comical Conservative President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!" Cashier: "Yes…

Obama frees a genie Obama frees a genie, but this is a cheap genie and he only grants him one wish. Obama furrows his brow in thought and finally comes up with the perfect single wish and starts: "Now, let me be clear..." <poof!> he turns into a window.

Bob knows a lot of people Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bobs boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a few years back, I actually know a lot of important people.' His boss is sceptic, but Bob replies: 'Tell you what, name anyone you can think off, I bet you that they know…

Vladmir Putin learns from Obama On his official visit to Washington, DC, Obama shows Putin around the White House. Putin is very impressed by the grandiose building. He can't stop staring at the decorated ceiling and the meticulously carved walls. He asks Obama "Tell me Mr. President, how do you have such a huge house, isn't the economy in depression?" Obama takes Putin to a massive glass window, points at something and asks him "It's very simple Mr. President, do you see that bridge over th…

President Obama has a meeting with the President of China to discuss debt... President Obama has a meeting with Xi Jinping to discuss the debt the US owes to China. He arrives at the Chinese presidential mansion with Joe Biden, but they find there is work going on in the garden and lots of mud everywhere. So they have to roll up their trouser legs and step carefully to enter. They sit down to wait for President Xi, but Biden notices they still have their trousers rolled up. So he whispers: "M…

Barack Obama, the Pope, Hilary Clinton and a boy scout are on a plane... The plane is about to crash when they realize there are only 3 parachutes. The first passenger, President Obama said “I am the president of the United States, as much as it will haunt me for the rest of my life, I must insist I take a parachute. I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people and the strongest military in the world.” The others agree and the president grabs a bag and jumps out…

Giving the devil his due One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Obama…

Obama and Putin are walking on the beach. Obama says "We have got great submarines, they can stay under water for 6 weeks". Putin replies "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for 10 weeks". Suddenly, a submarine emerges and a man sticks his head out and yells "Heil Hitler! Do you have diesel?"

Everybody knows Bubba Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Alth…

Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS Obama: “We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.” General: “You are forgetting something important sir.“ Obama: “No I am not.” General: “Tanks, Obama.”

Queen of England Obama was talking to the queen of England and he asked her how she runs her country so well. The queen replies quite simply that she chooses the best people to run it. Obama considers this for a moment and then asks, "how do you ensure that they are the best people for the job?" The queen answers that she quizzes them, and as an example she calls in Tony Blair. She asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" Tony replies "well o…