England Jokes

A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no arms & no legs. Three women, the first from England, the second from Wales and the third from Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him. The English woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a nice warm hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a gentle kiss and walked on. The Irish woman came to him and said: "Av…

Why did the Siamese twins move to England? So the other one could learn to drive. Courtesy of the movie "Man on the Moon".

I lost 50 pounds once sadly I was in England at the time.

American scientists made a clocks ... that goes forward a second if someone swears near it. So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks. In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing. They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?". Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

A golfer is playing at St. Andrews on a beautiful hot day....... .....when he stops by one of the streams to get a drink. As he puts his hand in to scoop out some water he hears a shout from the greens keeper: "Eh, don drink tha, it's full a cow shite an pish!" "I'm sorry sir, but could you repeat yourself, I'm from England you see," says the golfer. "I said use two hands so you don't spill anyway!"

Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman are walking along the beach together, when they come upon a lamp in the sand. Being familiar with such clichés, they picked up the lamp, rubbed it, and lo and behold a genie appeared before them. "For releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you both one wish each." Paddy Englishman goes first, and thinks silently for a moment: "Well, genie, I love my country, and I'm sick of it being ruined by lazy immigrants who do n…

The Queen of England dies and goes to heaven. Naturally, she spends her first few hours there catching up with all of her dead friends and family members. Eventually, she sees Princess Diana, and they start chatting, but Queen Elizabeth is clearly distracted. Eventually, she finally asks, "Diana, dear, why is it that nobody else here has a halo except for you?" A furious Diana responds, "That's a steering wheel, bitch!"

Obama travels to England to visit the Queen.... As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth…

What's the difference between England and a tea bag? ...A tea bag stays in the cup longer! #FIFAWORLDCUPBRAZIL

Three England fans on their way to the world cup fin a magic lamp.. Three England fans on their way to the world cup find a magic lamp on the road, the first one picks it up and a genie comes out! "England fans?!" says the genie, puzzled at how they made it to the world cup.. "Well I guess you get one wish each like everyone else. What do you choose?" The first England fan blurts out, "Rooney! I want Wayne Rooney to break his World Cup curse and finally score!" "Done" says the genie. The s…

My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night." Mexico was on, we had burritos. Japan was on, we had sushi. USA was on, we had burgers. Italy was on, we had pizza. Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

Inoffensive Muslim joke What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common? It's either Sunni or shiite

My favorite genie joke. An Irish farmer was tending to his land when he discovered a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared. "For releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you any three wishes," he says. "Now, what is your first wish?" The farmer says, "I want the Huns to attack Ireland!" The genie questions the farmer, confused, but the farmer insists. The genie grants th wish, and the Huns begin their raid, killing, stealing, raping and pillaging all the way to Ireland and back.…

a joke from the war a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp. The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them "After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in England and drop it there?", so they do it. The next week they have to cut off his other leg. And he asks them again "Could you please have someone drop this off o…

English Weather I just read something about weather in England: The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._ In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

The English and the Scots. A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is …

My dad got me with this one earlier. "So, you know how ships from America are USS whatever, right? Well, that stands for United States Ship. In England, they use HMS. And that means Her Majesty's Ship. In Italy, though, they use AMB. Know what that means?" "What?" "ATTSA MY BOAT!"

An american, a brit and a mexican are on a plane. An american, a brit and a mexican are on a plane. The brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!". The mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!". The american proceeds to throw the mexican out of the plane. "Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the brit. The american turned around. "He kil…

Military joke A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two poin…

My new housemate is French... My new housemate is French. Last night when he got home I said, "Nice to know you're from France.. My favourite place is North of France, actually.." "Let me guess," he said, "Lille.. Arras.. or maybe Côte d'Opale?.." "No, England." I replied. Source: http://www.sickipedia.org/racism/french/my-new-housemate-is-french-last-night-when-he-got-1644723 #Sickipedia

George and the Dragon A vagabond in 18th century England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked. The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she shouted. "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" she shouted again. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" t…

The Ambassador to England Just after the war of 1812, an ambassador to England from the United States had been dispatched in order to maintain the peace with the English. The diplomat was invited to a formal dinner with many important members of the English Government as they discussed peace talks and opening diplomacy. In the middle of the dinner, the diplomat excused himself to go to the outhouse. In the outhouse, he found a painting of George Washington hanging there. Upon his return to …

England doesn't have kidney banks, but it has a Liverpool.

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey. The bartender asks him why he ordered three shots. "My life-long friends and I have a tradition. We grew up together but have since gone our separate ways. One is in England and one in the USA, but we each go into a bar on the same day every year and order three shots of whiskey. It's as if we are drinking them together." He then drinks the shots and leaves the bar. The next couple years, he returns and does the same. Then, one y…