England Jokes

My mate has 2 tickets for the England v Netherlands game tonight He paid £360 each, including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you're interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at Guildford Registry Office, at 3pm. The bride's name is Sarah, she's 5'7" & quite attractive.

Victoria‘s secret has released a new bra called „England“ Product description: „offers lots of support but no cup“

Queen Elizabeth had her wisdom teeth removed After they were removed, she was still feeling weird after the sedation, seeing shapes in the clouds and asking if they were marshmallows and so forth. Once she arrived back at the palace, her husband, Prince Phillip, greeted her with a kiss on the cheek. The queen, still under the effects of the sedation, slapped the prince and told him to stay away. The queen’s servants approached her, “are you ok your Majesty? Why did you hit your husband?”. T…

Mayonnaise Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was …

Little known fact about the Titanic. In 1912, Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment to be delivered to Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the ill fated ships next port of call after it's stop in New York City. This would have been the single largest shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we all know, it went down in the North Atlantic with the mighty ship. The Mexican people loved Mayonnaise so much and t…

A hiker, clearly shaken, enters a remote English village pub, his clothes all torn and he's full of scratches. "You won't believe this," he says to the bartender. "I was attacked by a leopard!" "Really?" "Yes! A leopard! In England!" The hiker sits down and orders the strongest liquor they've got. "I tried to run, but it was if course much faster than me." The hiker gets his glass, empties it, and asks for another. "It sent me to the ground with a mighty push from its paws, but weirdly enou…

What`s the difference between a tea cup and a peecup? A tea cup is a kind of cup they drink out of in England. A peecup is a kind of truck they drive in Mexico.

I am driving through England on a trip and am stopping at Greenwich tomorrow. Not sure what to do in The Mean Time.

A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England He texts his father, "Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train" His father replies; "Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"

An Englishman, Frenchman and Turk Were all in a train cabin. Feeling a little warm, the Frenchman opened the window and a little fly came buzzing in. Wanting to impress the other two, the Frenchman takes out his sword and in one swoop sliced the fly in half. Feeling proud of himself, closes the window and hands out his business card to the other two in the cabin, reading “Best swordsman in France”. The Englishman, not wanting to be outdone by the Frenchman opens the window, and another fly co…

A English man, an Irish man and an American are stranded on an island, until they find a genie. The genie explains to them that usually he'd give them 3 wishes, but because there's three people and they all found him equally, that everyone gets one wish. First, the English man makes his wish. "Well, I've been stranded on this island for 2 years now, so I wish to go back home to my family in England." The genie grants his wish, and the English man disappears with a poof. Now, it's time for t…

400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and puritans to America Sounds like Australia got the better deal

Why did the conjoined twins move to England? So the other one could drive.

What's a pirate's favorite letter? A writ of safe passage from his majesty, King Charles II of England.

What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup? Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.

3 spies an brit, a russian, and an italian are captured. The are all bound hand and foot and thrown into a cell. Their captors grab the brit and drag him out. The others hear him scream for an hour, then quiet. He is thrown back into the cell. "I tried to keep a stiff upper lip" he said. " I tried to think of England!. But it was too much, i told them everything." They grab the russian and for two hours the others hear him scream, then go silent. He is thrown back into the cell. "I thought we …

Here's one for those born before the 1980's... The chief of a large Western African tribe flew into London for a state visit and was being interviewed. “Welcome to our country, Your Excellency,” said one reporter. “Did you have a good flight?” The Chief made a strange series of sounds – bells, whistles, hisses, pings in no apparent order – before answering in fluent English, “Yes, pleasant enough indeed.” “How long do you intend to stay in England for?” The Chief let out the same mysteri…

A woman was cheating on her husband. Her husband came home early. Her paramour had to quickly hide in the closet. When the husband and wife leave the bedroom together, the paramour thinks he's gotten away with it, but then he hears: "Blimey, ain't it dark in here!" ( This happened to be in England. ) He realizes that their kid is also hiding in the closet. He says to the kid, "What are you doing in here?" "Just playing." "Look, get out of here and don't tell anyone you saw me. Here's a qui…

It cost 2 pence to use the public toilet in England during the Elizabethan Era. 2p or not to pee, that is the question.

Why are the pyramids located in Egypt? They were too big to transport to England.

Before moving to England I spent some time in Poland... It definitely helped me polish my English.

A lonely Yank is vacationing in Europe.. ...and is just about to finish out his trip in Great Britain, which saddens him, because he came looking for romance, but has had zero luck. He's out at the pub one evening, where he spies a pair of women drinking alone. They're a wee bit on the larger side, so he heads over to chat them up, thinking that his hefty American physique won't be as much of a hinderance as it was on the Continent. "Hello ladies," he said, "if you don't mind me asking: are yo…

The Memory Man An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the barman when he spotted an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man. “That’s the Memory Man.” said the barman. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” So the man goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1980 FA Cup …

A Englishman walks into a bar... He walks over to two women sitting near the bar and says, "Are you two ladies from England?" "Wales.", replies the one woman. So the man says, "Pardon me, are you two whales from England?"

Why did the Siamese twins travel to England? So the other one could drive.