England Jokes

Does England have a fourth of July? Of Course they do, they just don't celebrate it!

What do you get when you cross the Queen of England and Prince Charles? Killed in a tunnel.

What did the Mexican detective say in England? I'm like Sherlock, holmes.

What's the difference between England and a cup of tea? The teabag stays in the cup longer.

What is the most common owl in England? Tea-towl

Why do penguins never go to England? Because they're afraid of Wales!

How do you lose 30 pounds in 1 Minute? Go to England and buy something

what is the difference between a tea bag and england? tea bag stays in the cup

What do you call a starving artist from 17th Century England? baroque

What's the difference between a tea bag and England? A tea bag stays longer in a cup.

Why is King Arthur seen as the Father of England? Because he came-alot

Why does England always get attacked in the summer? Because the Knights are shorter then.

Why did the siamese twins moved to England? So the other one would also drive

Why is the grass greener in Ireland, than it is in England? It's because we are all over here in England, walking on your grass.

What do they call the 13th floor in England? The 12th floor.

Girls from England? A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

What's the different between England and a tea bag? A tea bag last longer in the cup

What book does the Queen of England read to get herself into a raunchy mood? 50 Shades of Earl Grey

A middle-aged married couple were members of a party that went snorkelling off Hawaii. After spending an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat except for the wife and a handsome young man. As she continued to explore underwater, she noticed that wherever she swam, he did, too. She continued snorkelling for another forty minutes, and so did he. She felt really flattered by his attention, and as she took off her fins, she coyly asked him why he had remained in the water for so long. "I …

As a coach load of American tourists on a visit to England drove through Wiltshire, the guide was busily pointing out places of interest. When they approached Stonehenge, the guide announced: "This is Stonehenge, a megalithic monument dating from about 2,800 BC. It consisted originally of thirty upright stones, their tops linked by lintel stones to form a continuous circle about a hundred feet across. The uprights were built from local sandstone, and each stone weighs around twenty-six tons." At…

Two guys were talking. One said to the other: "I don't understand it. I'm Church of England and you're Catholic; I'm allowed to practise birth control but you, as a Catholic, are not. Yet I have eight kids and you have none. How come?" The Catholic said: "It's because I only do it during the safe period." "Really? When's that?" "When you're out at work." Two guys came knocking at my door and said: 'We want to talk to you about Jesus.' I said: 'Oh, no, what's he done now?' Kevin McAleer

A priest was celebrating the twentieth anniversary of his arrival in the parish. To mark the occasion, the church had staged a special event at the town hall, to be attended by various local dignitaries. Invited to make a little speech of his own, the priest admitted: "When I first came here, all those years ago, my immediate thoughts were what a terrible town this was. For example, although obviously I cannot reveal his identity, the very first person who entered my confessional told me how he …

Why did audiences scream so loudly at Beatles concerts? It was the shock of seeing four Scousers working. Seventy per cent of all people who die in England are cremated, which goes to show that the only thing English people know how to cook is other English people. Jay Leno

A Liverpool woman gave birth prematurely to a baby boy. Everyone was so proud of him – he was the first one in the family to have been inside for less than nine months. If all the cars in England were lined end to end . . . it would probably be a Bank Holiday.

A businessman travelling through rural England decided to stop the night at a picturesque country inn, the George and Dragon. Checking-in at reception, he asked the lady co-owner whether meals were still being served at the bar. "No," she replied forcefully. "Last meals are 8 p.m. sharp. It is now 8.10 p.m." "Not even a sandwich?" he asked sheepishly. "No, not even a sandwich. The chef has packed up, and I'm certainly not going to start slaving away in the kitchen at this time of night just beca…