A middle-aged married couple were members of a party that went snorkelling off Hawaii. After spending an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat except for the wife and a handsome young man. As she continued to explore underwater, she noticed that wherever she swam, he did, too. She continued snorkelling for another forty minutes, and so did he. She felt really flattered by his attention, and as she took off her fins, she coyly asked him why he had remained in the water for so long. "I couldn't get out until you did," he replied matter-of-factly. "I'm the lifeguard." I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm going to put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first I'm going to have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it won't fall off the wall. Steven Wright Genuine Holiday Complaints A tourist at an African game lodge overlooking a waterhole complained that the sight of a visibly aroused elephant ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate". A woman threatened to call police after claiming she had been locked in her hotel room by staff. In fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to stay in the room. "The beach was too sandy." "I was bitten by a mosquito – no one said they could bite." "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women." "We bought Ray-Ban sunglasses for $5 from a street trader, only to find out they were fake." "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England; it only took the Americans three hours to get home." "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning." "No one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."