A priest was celebrating the twentieth anniversary of his arrival in the parish. To mark the occasion, the church had staged a special event at the town hall, to be attended by various local dignitaries. Invited to make a little speech of his own, the priest admitted: "When I first came here, all those years ago, my immediate thoughts were what a terrible town this was. For example, although obviously I cannot reveal his identity, the very first person who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen money from the school charity box, thrown a brick through an old lady's window while drunk, and had been having an affair with the wife of the chief of police. But thankfully I soon discovered that he was an isolated case, and that this town has many warmhearted souls." As others then paid tribute to the priest's service to the community, the mayor, who was making the main speech, apologized for arriving late. Taking to the stage, the mayor then began his speech. "I well remember Father O'Riordan's arrival in this town twenty years ago. As a matter of fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him in confession . . ." The Church of England recently brought out prayers for Monday morning. It has a prayer you can say if you're on a train and can't find a seat. When I'm on a train, I pray loudly to Allah and I generally get the whole carriage. Frankie Boyle