England Jokes

Vacation in Britain gone wrong An american man was vacationing around Britain, visiting all the larger cities. One night he found himself in a bar in Cardiff, having a few drinks and planning out how to spend the next couple of days of his vacation. But he had forgotten his guidebook. So he looked around to see if anyone could help him out. There weren't many people in the bar. But there were two rather heavy women sitting at a table chatting. So he walked up to them, and asked if they had …

Queen of England Obama was talking to the queen of England and he asked her how she runs her country so well. The queen replies quite simply that she chooses the best people to run it. Obama considers this for a moment and then asks, "how do you ensure that they are the best people for the job?" The queen answers that she quizzes them, and as an example she calls in Tony Blair. She asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" Tony replies "well o…

A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation... and says to them: "Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?" Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!" "Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"

[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed..   One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident;  I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.   The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident;  I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track a…

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar... ... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a concert for the Queen of England.' The second surgeon hears this, knocks back a shot, and says, 'You think that's something, listen to this. I had a patient that lo…

Today is the day Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the car…

Happy May Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was …

"John, hurry back home, your wife is dead!" John is an average Joe from a small village in England. He is working away in London to support his family. One day, he receives a letter at work. It reads: "John, hurry back home, your wife is dead!" John takes the first bus back to his village and finds his fellow villagers gathered and huddled in front of her family's house, crying and weeping. He says to them: "Where is she? Take me to her at once!" So the villagers take him to her. John kneel…

A Brit & an Aussie walk into the men's room and take a piss... As they finish, the Brit heads for the sink & turns on the water while the Aussie heads for the door. With a disapproving look, the Brit turns to the Aussie and says: "In England, we wash our hands after using the bathroom." "No worries, mate;" answers the Aussie, " in Australia we don't piss on our hands."

An Australian is visiting England... He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"

England 1 - 2 Iceland Credits to Iceland though, can't take that away.

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question. The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy. The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost everyone in this twisted family has a history of domestic violence. Not wanting to subject the poor boy to a life of physical…

Happy Fourh of July "Hey England, Happy Fourh of July." "Where's the T?" "We threw it in the harbor." Merica.

At the World Women's Conference... At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The seco…

George Bush is with the Queen of England. George: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?" "Well" said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." George frowned and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" The Queen: "Easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron, would you come in here, please?" David…

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Kim Jung il are entering the gates of hell Obama sees that there is a phone at the Devils office and asks him if he could use it to make one last call to his family. The devil says its ok and Obama makes the call. He spoke for 10 minutes and the devil then said it cost 1 million dollars because it was a long distance call. Obama obviously didn't have a choice so he payed up and then entered the gates of hell. Queen Elizabeth then said she wanted to make a call and th…

One time in medieval England ... One time in medieval England, there was a Lord who opposed hunting. One day, he issued a verdict that forbade hunting on his land. The peasants were angry, but the economy soon recovered. But within a few years, wild animals were overpopulating and began traveling into the fields and eating the crops. Peasants once more began to protest, but the Lord ignored them. Soon, the peasants could not grow food because the animal population was eating everything they…

3 surgeons walk into a pub... ...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England." The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in an accident and I sewed them back on. 2 years later, he won a gold medal at the olympic games." The third physician, who had been silent to this point says: "Amateurs! A coup…

I was visiting England and this guy I just met was bragging about being a Barrister. He asked if I might be in need of his services. I said “Thanks, but I can make my own coffee”

I just figured out why the French are always depressed. It’s because the light at end of the tunnel..is England.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are using the urinal The Irishman finishes first, goes to the washbasin, and lathers his hands up thoroughly before rinsing off with a gallon of water, then dries his hands on a stack of paper towels and says "In Ireland, we are taught that cleanliness is next to Godliness." The Scotsman takes his turn and uses a tiny wipe of soap, a few drops of water and a single paper towel, and says "In Scotland, we are taught to be frugal in our use of valuable re…

Why did England eat France? Because Francis Bacon

I’m driving through England, and I’m planning to stop at Greenwich tomorrow. Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.

A man arrives at the pearly gates of heaven St. Peter asks him if he's done any good. The man says no. So St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery. The man says, "I was refereeing a match in London between England and Germany. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play when I awarded a penalty against England." "Yes," responds St. Peter, "That was a real act of bravery. Can you tell me when this took place?" "Certainly," the man replies. "About three minutes…

In England, what is the most commonly used letter? ‘N’ - it appears twice.