England Jokes

Northerners Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day, resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?' God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?' 'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.' 'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing do…

An Irishman is sick of people thinking he's stupid. Because in England the Irish are stupid, Scottish tight fisted and the French smell. So he goes to have elocution lessons. Spends six weeks intensively saying 'how now brown cow' and 'Hark I hear the canons roar. Is it the king approaching.' And he cracks it. The day after he finishes his course he goes into a shop and asks in his best tones. ""I say old man could you give me a copy of The Times and a pack of cigars please."" The shopkeeper lea…

A female drifter I'm a drifter, a woman, and you don't find that much, especially in England. I run a scam pretending to be a nanny. Too recently, I had to eliminate some competition for the job. I got in, and got in real good with the parents. Scared the kids. I gave them LSD and forced them to consort with a schizophrenic tea-shop owner and a crazy hobo and his gang. I intentionally got the father fired from his job because of a political disagreement, and ran off before blame could be cast on…

An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels... They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked her wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn't know how to tell him what she wants. As she is about to leave in embarrassment, she comes upon an idea. She points at her breasts, and the butcher understands, giving her the d…

The President of the United States, the Prime Minister of England, and the King of Thailand walk into a bar in Bangkok and the bartender says ""May I get you and your guests drinks, Your Majesty?""

There was an Englishman, a Frenchmen and a Japanese man sitting at a bar. They were all in good spirits, complimenting each others countries and their achievements. But they also pointed out the strange customs too. It was the Englishman and the Frenchman who spoke first about Japan. They said, ""Japan is such a fine country which has provided the world with so many useful things. But you still eat seaweed!"" Then it was the Englishman and the Japanese man who spoke about France. They said, ""Fr…

So this plane is flying over the atlantic. So this plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean. The captain comes over the loudspeaker and says, ""One of our engines is malfunctioning but we should still make it to our destination just a little late."". 30 minutes and everyone hears a loud BOOM. The passengers get nervous and start looking at each other. The captain comes over the loudspeaker again, ""We uh... have a problem. Another engines has gone out and we won't have enough fuel to make it. We'…

Invest Now! Quick! Invest now! Theres a company in England that is now manufacturing landmines that look like prayre mats! The main factorty is in the middle east, where prophets are going through the roof!

A man is looking to buy a house in England, in the West Midlands... An estate agent asks the man about what he is looking for in a house and the man says, ""Well I'd like it to have at least four bedrooms, a nice dining room and I'd also really like a large garden. Oh, and it MUST be an east-facing garden. If it faces West, I won't buy it."" The estate agent looks puzzled at this and asks him ""May I ask why it's so important that the garden faces east?"" and the man responds, ""because for that…

Local Call George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars,…

An American decides to get rich quick... By suing bus companies. So, he goes to a bus station, and when the bus arrives he sticks his leg out so it gets runs over. He spends 6 weeks in hospital and is given $10,000 in reparations. When he gets out, he goes to a different state and does the same thing, but this time with the other leg. This time he spends 8 weeks in hospital and gets $20,000 in reparations. When he gets out, he decides that people in the US will get suspicious if he keeps getting…

I lost fifty pounds... Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

A bit of a Republican joke George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 …

A Japanese man wished to join the knights of England. The recruitment official turned him away, however, stating that there can not be any chinks in their knights' armor.

Why did Marxism never catch on in England? Because then it'd be impossible to get proper tea.

The day after Stalin's death... ...the Soviet nation decided to get rid of him once and for all and bury him as far away as possible. They set up a special commission. The commission turned to the British government with the request that they make available a plot in a British cemetery. ""Well,"" replies the British government, ""we do already have Karl Marx in England ... Two such great masters in the one cemetery . . . That would be overdoing it a bit..."" So they tried the Germans. ""Well, we…

The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won't need to adjust her driving.

""Q. Why were India kicked out of the Soccer world Cup held in England in 1966 ? A. Every time they were given a corner, they built a shop.""

In England, a movie theater had to cancel a showing of ""Noah"" due to a flood in the movie theatre. Either that or the 3-D in that theater is really good.

Roy Hodgson has told the England squad that they'll have to tighten their belts next week. He also added that they should not remove them until the ""fasten seat belt"" sign goes out.

England are to have a new captain next week. His name is Roger Smith and he's the pilot for the flight home.

Messi carrying Argentina. Neymar carrying Brazil. British Airways carrying England

The England squad have been receiving death threats and this morning they awoke to find a horses head. Fortuneatly, it was only Wayne Rooney asleep.

England can't win anything. Brazil took away their top spot of Most Embarrassing team.

England was knocked out of the World Cup. It's the most English people wiped out at one time since the last episode of ""Game of Thrones.""