England Jokes

With all this talk of walls and migrants around the world. Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman find a golden lamp in a forest and when Paddy Englishman rubs it with his sleeve a Genie appears and gives them a wish each. Paddy Scotsman says ""I wish to have neverending riches and alcohol."" Paddy Englishman says ""I wish there was a giant wall around England to keep out the Scots, the Welsh, the Irish and anyone else who wants to get in."" Paddy Irishman turns to the Genie and say…

Let's Talk A stranger was seated next to Ken on an empty flight to England. The stranger turned to Ken and said, ""Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."" Ken, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, ""Okay, what would you like to talk about?"" ""I don't know,"" said the stranger. ""How about nuclear power?"" ""Okay,"" said Ken. ""That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a q…

I lost 20 pounds in England last summer. How much is that in American dollars?

The weather in England is like the Muslims in Iraq. It's either Sunni, or Shiite.

There was a school in England which was infamous for having the savage bullies. [Long] There was a school in England which was infamous for having the savage bullies. The school used to come in the news fairly regularly for nothing but their bullies. More often than not the school bullies used to line up the other students and hit them in the face. The consequences of not being present in the line were worse than getting *punched* in the face, so helplessly once a week on Monday all the students…

The first Olympic sailing results are in England has taken gold, France has taken silver and Somalia has taken the boat.

I love puns about England... They really Brighton my day.

America is still a British colony In England we speak English In France we speak French In Germany we speak German In China we speak Chinese In America we speak English *drops mic and leaves*

Here in England, we drive on the right side of the road. If we drove on the wrong side, there'd be a lot more crashes.

3 Pints of Desi Beer Santa walks into a bar, orders 3 pints of 'desi beer' and sits in the back of the room, drinking and sipping out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, ""You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."" Santa replies, "" Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Dubai, and I'm here in England. When we all left home, we promised th…

England lost to Iceland in the Euro Cup and got knocked out I guess you could say its the worst thing to happen to them in the past 4 days

I found a carrier bag with an England football shirt that someone had just thrown away, I couldn't believe it... Carrier bags are worth 5p these days!

If you were born in Poland and are now taking a piss in England, what are you? European

Dear England, Now you know what it feels like when you're out of Europe against your will. Scotland.

A few years ago I was at the pub. Sitting at the end of the bar were two large middle-aged women speaking in what I thought were thick English accents. Being new to the area and friendly, I say ""Oh! Are you two ladies from England?"" The one closest to me gets a look of disgust and with a super bitchy tone says ""Actually, it's Wales"". So I reply ""Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from England?""

Why is England so special? Only they can pull out of Europe twice in a week.

In a way, I'm happy that Brexit happened. Now I don't need to correct people when they refer to the UK as England.

The Queen of England and the Pope were at a public Mass in Dublin... The Queen of England and the Pope were at a public Mass in Dublin. As the two of them sat up on the stage, the Queen leans over to the Pope and says, ""Watch this! With one motion of my arm, I can make this whole crowd go nuts!"" The Queen then turns to the crowd and does her famous ""Queen wave."" Sure enough, the crowd goes nuts. After thinking for a minute, the Pope leans into her and says, ""With one motion of my arm, I can…

A Scot, an English man, and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!'' The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!'' The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''

A Brit & an Aussie walk into the men's room and take a piss... As they finish, the Brit heads for the sink & turns on the water while the Aussie heads for the door. With a disapproving look, the Brit turns to the Aussie and says: ""In England, we wash our hands after using the bathroom."" ""No worries, mate;"" answers the Aussie, "" in Australia we don't piss on our hands.""

Everything England has accomplished has been bettered by other nations - rugby, cricket and now at football... Even the Russians have better hooligans than us.

I love England th... I love England the flags a big plus

An elderly couple's road trip around south east England *(Note for those unfamiliar with the British road network: 'A' roads are main, or arterial, roads and they are all identified by 'A' and a number.)* An elderly man is driving his wife on a road trip around the south east of England. Shortly after getting on to the A2, a police car signals them to pull over, and the old man obliges. The police officer walks up to the driver's side and the old man winds down the window. The policeman asks him…

An American, an Englishman and a Norwegian are sitting in a pub ... An American, an Englishman and a Norwegian are sitting in a pub arguing on which of them are the best. The American says ""Well, when our Air Force is in the air, they are so massive you cannot even see a glimpse of the sky between them!"". ""Thats nothing!"" says the Englishman, ""when our fleet lay side by side, you can walk from England to Ireland!"". ""Thats nothing"" the Norwegian calmly states, ""when I'm fully erect I can…

It is 1538 and the Dissolution of Monasteries by King Henry VIII is in progress... having broken away from the Catholic church, Henry had angered many adherents both domestic and abroad, and sought to shut down any institutions that swore their allegiance to the Catholic church before he had a revolt on his hands. He attempted to completely squash all churches, monasteries and friaries that remained devoutly Catholic. While for most he could simply cut off their ability to function by seizing th…