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England Jokes

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Ballerina A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ""What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, ""Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She

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George bush stupidity So George bush, the queen of England, a hockey player, a scientist, and a little kid are all on a plane that will soon crash, and there are only 4 parachutes. The queen of England says: ""Well all my people back home need me"" takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane. George bush says: ""All my fellow Americans need me"" takes a parachute, jumps out of the plane. The hockey player says: ""Well all of my fans need me"" Takes the parachute and jumps out of the plane. Now

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A Pakistani living in England (offensive) A Pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human faeces and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it ev

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An Englishman and a Scotsman find a shiny lamp. After giving it a rub, a genie pops out... ""For freeing me, you shall each have one wish!"" says the Genie. ""What is it you want the most?"" ""Well,"" says the Englishman, ""I'm fed up with all these Scots coming down into England. I wish for a giant wall to be built around England, so that no Scots can ever get in again."" ""You wish is my command,"" says the genie. ""It is done. ""What is it that you want, Scotsman?"" After a pause, the Scotsma

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A British fellow just doesn't understand why people like cricket. He tries, he tries so hard. He knows it's his national sport. He also doesn't care much for football and rugby, and always feels left out at the pub. Then one day, he comes in early for a pint, and there's this strange game on the screen. ""What's that game up there, Albert?"" Albert looks baffled, ""why, that's baseball mate!"" He'd never seen a baseball game before. He's enchanted. He loves the geometry of the field, the green g

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Back around 1800... A very patriotic American goes to visit England. The locals listen to his accent and determine he's from America. At hotel where he's staying, there's only one outhouse to use, and the locals hang up a portrait of George Washington on the inside, thinking he would be offended. However, they watch as he goes in, and then comes out laughing. When they ask him why he's laughing, and he says: ""Figures that George Washington can scare the shit out of any Englishman faster than an

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An American woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers, ""Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"" The husband laughs and says, ""An English girl."" The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, ""So, honey, how was the trip?"" ""Very good, thank you."" ""And, what happened to my present?"" ""Which present?"" She asked. ""

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Trump visits the Queen. While visiting England after his election victory, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. Trump asks how she knows if they're intelligent. ""I do so by asking them the right questions,"" says the Queen. ""Allow me to demonstrate."" Trump watches as the Queen phones David Cameron and says, ""Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has

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Railroad tracks, a horses ass... and rockets! [Long] The US standard railroad gauge (the distance between two rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches... an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because a number of the early railroad lines in the US were built to fit standard-gauge locomotives manufactured by English railroad pioneer George Stephenson. The English expatriates who immigrated to America built them to the same dimension they had built them in England. Why did the English build them l

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A competition between France, England, and Mexico There was to be a contest between 3 countries to see who has the largest gorilla. France was up first, so the Prime Minister went up to the podium and told the audience, ""Our Gorilla is so big, when it raises its arms, he can touch airplanes in the sky. The crowd amazed, thinking no country could top that, was ready to hear England. The Prime Minister of England said, ""Our gorilla is so enormous, that when he raises his arms, he can touch the p

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An insect falls into a mug of beer Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out. American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer. Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away. Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself. Pakistani : Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for Military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. He then moves to England and

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A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, ""What size farm do you have?"" The Englishman proudly announced, ""Thirty-five acres!"" ""Thirty-five acres?"" the Texan scoffed. ""Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm. ""Ah, yes,"" the Englishman nodded in understanding. ""I had a truck like that once.""

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A dad brought a lie detector home . The lie detector that read Siegfried Sassoon war poems everytime it detected a lie. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, ""So, you were at school today, right?"" Son: ""Yeah."" Detector: ""A dawn the ridge emerges massed and dun In the wild purple of the glow'ring sun, Smouldering through spouts of drifting smoke that shroud The menacing scarred slope; and, one by one, Tanks creep and topple forward to the wire. The barrage roars and lifts. Th

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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin make phone calls George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished th

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There are two cats, one called 1,2,3 And another called une deux trois. After many years of consideration, they decide to brave the swim across the English channel to visit Paris. Two days go by, and noone has heard from either feline. Their friends in England are starting to give up hope, when they receive word that 1,2,3 has survived. Later that day they called 1,2,3: ""Have you heard anything about your companion?"" 1,2,3 replied solemnly down the line, ""yes, une deux trois quatre cinq""

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An englishman, a welshman, and an irishman are sitting on a small plane headed for England. They're all going to live in England. The pilot says they hit a jetstream, and need to lose dead weight, or else they'll crash. The welshman grabs an urn and throws it off. ""Those were the remains of my wife. She was a great woman. Eh, there's tonnes of women in England"" The irishman grabs a keg and throws it off. ""That was the last keg o' beer I made before my brewery burned down. So many memories. Eh

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