England Jokes

""It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean."" But it takes much longer to get to England on a rowboat.

Golfing in Scotland John , who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained,' and I'm afrai…

The most inappropriate thing to say to the queen of England, I lick your stamps all the time.

Yesterday in the World Cup, England beat Germany for the first time in recorded history. In fact, it's the first time England has won anything on the 4th of July.

Hey England, Happy Fourh of July!!! Britain: ""What happened to the T?"" America: ""We threw it in the Harbor!""

What do they do for the 4th of July in England? Sulk.

My new housemate is French... My new housemate is French. Last night when he got home I said, ""Nice to know you're from France.. My favourite place is North of France, actually.."" ""Let me guess,"" he said, ""Lille.. Arras.. or maybe Côte d'Opale?.."" ""No, England."" I replied. Source: http://www.sickipedia.org/racism/french/my-new-housemate-is-french-last-night-when-he-got-1644723 #Sickipedia

Coach of England calls the German coach Germany has not been defeated in two year. So the English coach calls the German coach and asks ""hey, how do you guys manage to win every game?, What is your secret tactic?"" The German coach says ""Oh it is simple, after every training I let my players play against cones, they usually win 40 to 0, it gives them great morale for the next game, you must absolutely try it"" The England coach thinks this might be very inspiring to his boys especially since t…

A South African, an Australian and an Englishman are all having a drink The Englishman and South African both drink from Pint Glasses, the Australian from a bottle. The South African, upon draining his glass, drops in back down on the bar, pulls out a pistol, and shoots the glass. ""In South Africa, there is so much sand that I never drink from the same glass twice!"" The Australian, having drained his bottle, sets it down upon the bar and, upon seizing the South African's pistol, shoots his bot…

The Queen's legs A local in a small village in England was facing a predicament. He'd just opened a pub, yet came to find that all the names he'd wanted were taken; The Queen's head, The King's Arms, so on so forth. Until he realised nobody had named a pub after the Queen's legs, and as such, he choose to name his pub 'The Queen's legs'. The new barman opened his pub and found it to be quite a success, being the only pub for miles around. Indeed 'The Queen's legs' attracted drinkers from all the…

The Biscuit Thief ""This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person is me. I had gone to catch a train, This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was about twenty minutes early. I'd got the time of the train wrong. I suppose it is at least equally possible,"" he added after a moment's reflection, ""that British Rail had got the time of the train wrong. Hadn't occurred to me before."" ""Get on with it."" Fenchurch laughed. ""So I bought a newspaper, to do the crossword, and went t…

An american, a brit and a mexican are on a plane. The brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: ""We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"". The mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining ""We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"". The american proceeds to throw the mexican out of the plane. ""Why did you do that?!"" exclaimed the brit. The american turned around. ""He killed my wife.""

9/10 dentists recommend good dental hygiene... The other dentist is from England.

So the pope went to Africa to visit some city's to spread good word We was being driven in a limo and was in the middle of nowhere, on the way, he asked the driver if he could try driving, the limo driver asked why and the pope said he had never driven in his life, so the limo driver thought why not since they're in the middle of nowhere, so the pope starts flying it going about 100 miles an hour, but all of a sudden a cop shows up out of nowhere, pulls him over and looks inside, amazed, he call…

Today is Cinco de Mayo For me Cinco de Mayo is truly a day to celebrate. Few people have come to know the ""true"" story of the origin of Cinco de Mayo. It is my pleasure to set the record straight. A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have…

Since a lot of people think Cinco de Mayo is commemorating Mexican Independence... Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the ""Titanic"" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate(""desperados"") at the loss.…

An Englishman a Scotsman and a Maori were all seated together in a plane one day. The plane is passing over England and the englishman pulls out a sword, throws it out of the plane and proclaims ""I did it for my queen and country"" The plane then passes over Scotland and so the scotsman pulls out an axe and throws it out of the plane proclaiming in a thick scottish accent ""I did it fer my country"" The plane is about to make a pass over New Zealand and the Maori not wanting to be the odd one o…

A proud German from Frankfurt was so pissed off when he traveled to England and people called him a Frankfurter ... ... he moved to Hamburg.

An Irish, a Scot and an English man are digging..... in their back gardens. 12 feet down the English man finds copper wire. In the local paper he announces England had internet 200 years ago. The Scots mon finds wire at 16 feet and announces Scotland had internet 300 years ago. The Irish man digs 22 feet! but finds nothing and states in the paper. 400 years ago Ireland had wireless.

A toilet and the sink were talking The toilet says ""hey bro, I once got pissed in by the Queen of England."" The sink said, ""yeah? Albert Einstein once washed his hands in me."" The toilet replied, ""well, once Lebron James took a shit in me."" ""You're full of crap,"" said the sink.

Heard this in an Indian soap opera.. Boy: Are you from England? Girl: Yeah! How'd you know? Boy: You are so beautiful, I just thought.

Magic Elixir of Life A man was walking through Sarasota selling door to door what he claimed to be the ""Magic Elixir of Life."" Of course there were complaints and the police arrested him. They ran a background check of him and found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in England . . . . in 1660.

Cat Race So, England and France have a friendly contest to see which country is superior. They do this by having a cat race, in which the French cat, 'Un Duex Trois, and English cat 'One Two Three' will race across the channel. The race starts and One Two Three cat speeds across the water, easily winning. Unfortunately, Un Deux Trois cat sank.

My English vacation So I when to England last summer. I had been walking all day and decided it was time of a beer break. I walk up to the bar where this older gentleman was standing. Me: I'll take a beer Gentleman: this is not a pub sir, this is a tea house. His sarcasm was quite evident. I bit my tounge to stay polite. Me: OK what kind of tea do you serve? Gentleman: well we have Spanish tea which is 80% aroma and 20% substance, a French tea which is 20% aroma and 80% substance. Of course we h…

UK Fire Insurance A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was 2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple that the price would be 39.00. The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost 2000.00 in England! The agent turned his comp…