Clinton Jokes

Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight? A: Runs away from the draft.

Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years? A: Unite the Republican Party.

Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia? A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.

Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy? A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin? A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice? A: He keeps having to eat his words.

Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America? A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.

Clinton goes around telling people we humans are genetically 99.9% similar. Apparently the 0.1% is the character gene.

What did Clinton say when accused of copying his homework from his girlfriend at Oxford? I did not have textual relations with that woman.

Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals? A: They all make a living by lying to people.

President Clinton returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway he is met by the guard a Marine sergeant who issues a crisp salute. ""I'd salute you back Sergeant"" says the President ""but as you can see I've got my hands full."" ""Yes sir"" replies the sergeant. ""Very nice pigs sir. Very nice pigs."" ""Why these aren't pigs"" the President responds. ""T…

Former Vice President Quayle Speaker of the House Gingrich and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes. Quayle says ""I'm going to ask the Wizard fo…

Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess? A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five Clinton won three games to two.

Yeltsin Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner he told them: I need three important people to send my message out to all the people: ""Tomorrow I will destroy the earth."" Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: ""I have two really bad news items for you: 1) God really exists and 2) Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."" Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them: ""I have good news and bad news: 1) The…

Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him ""Bill I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America the whole beautiful country and on each house I saw a banner."" ""What did it say on the banners?"" Clinton asks. Saddam replies ""Allah is god god is Allah."" Clinton says ""You know Saddam I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely and on each house flew an enormous…

A joke we tell tourists in china Back when the Terra-cotta Soldiers were discovered, Bill and Hilary Clinton decided to visit the site. It was also asked of the chinese officials arranging the tour, that the Clintons could meet the meek and old chinese man that discovered the Terra-cotta. Back then, the Terra-cotta site was out in the province in a small local village. This village was the hometown of the fortunate old chinese man who discovered them and was going to meet POTUS. It also meant …

A man died and went to heaven.. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "That's Abraham Lincoln's cl…

Bubba and Friends Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Altho…

Clinton on the Titanic Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly. Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc. Reagan shouts: "Women and children first." Nixon goes: "Screw the women!" Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time!?"

Obama died, and, as usual for any president, he was lead to the hell. Satan looked at him “ Mmmm, I can see that you have been elected twice as President. Also, you are one of a kind. So, I am giving you a rare opportunity. You can see the other inmates in hell and select your eternal fate. If you chose their fate, they will be sent to heaven”. With nothing to lose, Obama agreed instantly. Now, Satan himself took Obama to show the inmates. The first exhibit was Reagan. It was burning hot and…

Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash. A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes. The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, "I'm the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped. The 3rd passenger, Hillary…

Clinton, Sanders, Trump and Cruz are having lunch together... and they're discussing why each thinks they'll win. "I have the support of women and minorities" says Clinton. "I have the support of intellectuals" says Sanders "I have the support of the average american tired of politics as usual" says Trump. Cruz just smiles..."I have the support of the people in charge of programming the electronic voting machines"

An average American voter walks into a bar ... ... and sees Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton huddled together at the end of the bar, whispering to one another. Intrigued, the voter approaches the pair and asks them what they are doing. "We're planning the 2016 election," brags Trump. "What's going to be different about it this year?" the voter asks. "Well," Clinton replies, "We're going to rig the vote count and put me in office, as well as delete a few of my emails." "What's so important …

Running for president It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race and the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Obama comes up with an idea: A Literal Presidential Race. The three candidates would run a lap around the White House and the person with the best time would become president. Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes about …

A Trump supporter, a Sanders supporter and a Clinton supporter are being interviewed. The question asked was 'what do you think of morals in politics'? The Sanders supporter says: politics? What is politics? The Clinton supporter says: morals? What is morals? The Trump supporter says: think? What is think?