Clinton Jokes

Obama announces his idea for air strikes against ISIS... Before publicly announcing it, he runs the idea past George W. Bush and Bill Clinton. Obama: ""I believe this will be exactly what we need to do to fight ISIS. It'll hit them right where it hurts. They'll never see it coming!"" Bush: ""Iraq sure didn't."" Clinton: ""Neither did she.""

Did you hear about the new Clinton computer? It has 6 inches of RAM and no memory!

So Bob Dole was asking Clinton for advice about women... Bob whines ""I just can't seem to get any women, and you always have more than you can handle. Gimme some pointers!"" Bill tells him ""Hey, just shove a potato down in your pants, it works for me!"" A few days later, they meet again. ""Hey, Bill, I took your advice, and the women seem to avoid me more than ever!"" Bill looks down, and says ""You're supposed to put the potato in the *front* of your pants!""

(Q)...... What was the difference between Bill Clinton & Monica Lewinsky's dry-cleaners? (A)...... Clinton wouldn't come clean.

Russian Condoms! President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: ""Our largest condom factory has exploded!"" the Russian President cried; ""my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"" ""Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,"" replied the President. ""I do need your help,"" said Yeltsin. ""Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"" ""Why certainly! I'll get right on it!"" said Clinton. …

Students taking English Literature at a local college were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories. He got an A+. Titanic: cost - $29.99 Clinton: cost - $29.99 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read ---------------------------------------------------------------------…

So Bush is elected President... ...and he decides to give Clinton a visit at the White House. So they're having drinks after dinner, conversation flowing, when Bush needs to relieve himself. He asks Bill where the urinals were, and Bill points him down a corridor, third door to the right. He notices that the urinal was golden - but assumes he was sent to a special bathroom, possibly for visiting dignitaries. Anyway, on their way home, he happens to mention this to Laura. She doesn't think it's a…

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"" ""Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, ""Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"" Although impressed, Colin'…

How in the world did Bill & Hillary Clinton avoid the celebrity nickname HillBilly? WE DROPPED THE BALL AMERICA.

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

Hillary Clinton is out jogging. she passes a young boy selling puppies. ""Buy a puppy Ma'am?"" asks the lad. ""Oh no sorry,"" says Mrs. Clinton. "" We have a cat already you know."" ""But they are Democrat puppies, Ma'am"" asserts the enterprising lad. Clinton smiles, but again declines. The boy nods, Clinton jogs on. The next day Clinton is jogging by the same spot. There again is the boy still trying to sell the puppies. As Clinton jogs by she over hears the youth telling the potential custome…

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. First, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently. The agent said, ""Mr President, it was a request from the home team""everybody from the owner down to the bat boy."" (What really gets Bill going is when the agent tells him the …

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and Whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares At the guy, looks at Hillary, looks Back at the agent, and shakes his head ""no."" The agent then says, ""Mr. President, it was a Unanimous request of the entire Team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."" Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when The agent…

A policeman came upon a super-salesman about to jump from a bridge and yelled ""Wait Fellow! Please don't do that !!!"" The salesman said ""Why not ?"" and proceeded to expound on his views on the shaky economy declining family life and Clinton politics. Shortly thereafter they both jumped.

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. ""Who goes there?"" inquired St. Peter. ""It's me Bill Clinton"". ""What bad things did you do on earth?"" Clinton thought a bit and answered ""Well I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied but I didn't commit perjury."" After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied ""OK here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be the…

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. ""What happened to you?"" asked Bill. ""Well the Farmer gave me the wine his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-…

Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face? A: He is stupid!

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and askes Clinton ""Are you ready to order?"" Clinton replies ""Yes I'd like a quickie."" ""A quickie?!?"" the waitress replies. ""Sir given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."" She walks away. Gore leans over to Clinton and says ""It's pronounced Quiche.""

Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common? A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.

Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury? A: When he's sworn in.

Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America? A: ""Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!""

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. ""George what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"" Clinton asked. ""Set an honest and honorable example just as I did"" advised George. The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. ""Tom what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"" Clinton asked. ""Cut taxes and reduce the size of government"" advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and s…

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a ""tragedy"". One little boy stands up and offers ""If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy."" ""No"" Clinton says ""That would be an ACCIDENT."" A girl raises her hand. ""If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."" ""I'm afraid not"" …

Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane? A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night. Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke? A: ""You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!

Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]? A: He's got his jogging suit on.