Australia Jokes

An Australian takes a vacation in america... He's driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road. He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?" The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia." The cop says "Well did you come here to die!?" "No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"

Terror Alerts - by John Cleese The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" …

It's a foine custom. An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When w…

Three brothers tradition A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I'm just wondering why you order three beers at a time? I can bring you one at a time if you wish." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that …

Australia's smartest man An airplane was about to crash.. There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes. The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Tony Abbot said, “I am the Prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest man in Australian history, so Australia’s people don’t want me to die.” He took the second parachute and jumped…

I noticed two large woman by the bar yesterday... ... They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey are you two ladies from Australia?" One of them screamed back at me, "It's Wales you stupid IDIOT! So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Australia?"

An Army Ranger goes on a vacation... Got this in a thread somewhere about the branches of the US military. An Army Ranger goes to Australia for his vacation. He goes to a souvenir shop to get souvenirs, and wanted to get a crocodile skin shoe. The shopkeeper looks at him and tells him that he doesn't sell them. Frustrated, the Ranger says "Fine, I'm going to get myself a crocodile and make a pair of shoes out of it!" The shopkeeper looks at him, chuckles, and says "Are you sure? You don't look…

Women are alot like continents. At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she's like Africa- virgin territory. From 18 to 30, she's like Asia- hot and exotic. From 30 to 45, she's like America- fully explored and free with her resources. From 45 to 55, she's like Europe- exhausted, but not without places of interest. From 55 onwards, she's like Australia- everybody knows it's down there, but nobody cares.

A British man visits Australia A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?" The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

One Wish A man was walking along the beach when he found an old bottle buried in the sand. He picked it up and cleaned it with his sleeve. Whereupon a genie appeared and offered him one wish. "Well my family lives in Australia. It would be great if there was a bridge between here and Australia so I could drive and visit them." "What!" cried the genie. "Have you any idea what building such a bridge would involve? The gigantic pillars all the way to the sea bed? The hundreds of gas stations t…

A priest and a shepherd... ... from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It's a city in Africa. The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration: "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... " The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells…

A Texan goes to Australia for vacation... ... while there, he takes a tour with a local guide. While driving around the guide points out a large wheat field. "In Texas, we have wheat fields twice as large!" They then drive past a herd of cattle. "Our long horns are at least twice that large in Texas!" the Texan drawls. The guide is becoming quite irate with the Texan at this point and decides to take a detour. The Texan excitedly points at some kangaroo and shouts "What the hell are those?" "Wh…

Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?" She replied: "Beats the hell outta me" Edit: holy shit front page, thanks guys

Donald Trump... -A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East. -Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. -Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. -The rest of the world is in shock. -Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace. -Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance. -Latin American countries are sending clothing. -New Zealand and Australia …

Irish guy in a pub... Irish guy named Shaughn walks into a bar in County Clare. He orders three beers, sits by himself, and drinks them. The pub keeper thinks it is strange but doesn't say anything. He does this every afternoon for the next 6 months. He comes in, orders three beers, and drinks them by himself. Finally the pub keeper has to ask why he does this and Shaughn replies, "I have two brothers and one lives in the US and one in Australia. We have vowed that whenever we drink we will hav…

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots... Seamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of Bushmills and three pints of Guinness. "Rough day, friend?" the bartender asks as he pours the drinks. "Nah - it's for me brothers. The three of us used to drink together back home in Dublin when we were younger. Now Mick's in London, Paddy's in Australia, and I'm here in New York. We hardly ever see each other these days, but when we left home, we swore we'd drink like th…

An Irishman walks into a bar An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here …

Did you know that camels aren't indigenous to Australia? They were shipped there by the British. Oddly enough, so were the Australians.

A Brit & an Aussie walk into the men's room and take a piss... As they finish, the Brit heads for the sink & turns on the water while the Aussie heads for the door. With a disapproving look, the Brit turns to the Aussie and says: "In England, we wash our hands after using the bathroom." "No worries, mate;" answers the Aussie, " in Australia we don't piss on our hands."

So I recently went to Australia... I want to Australia for holiday. I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?" I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population #1. USA: 318.9 million #2. China: 1.357 billion #3. Japan: 173.3 million #4. Australia: 48 as of last census

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers. The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, …

I haven’t seen my twin brother since I left Australia. We were separated at Perth.

Olympic tennis gold medalist gets to Australia and goes through customs. -Have you ever been convicted of a crime? -I didn’t know that was still a requirement

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the …