Australia Jokes

I couldn't decide where to retire... I couldn't decide whether to one day retire in Australia or Thailand so I decided to make a list of pros and cons. Turns out Australia has a lot of cons, and Thailand..

(: N poo Love, Australia.

They say that when you find a spider in Australia... you hear boss battle music.

Two Irish brothers are applying for Work Visas to Australia. The first brother enters his interview, quickly walks out, gives a thumbs-up and says to his brother ""I'm in!"" The second brother takes this as a sure sign that he will join him, and walks confidently into his interview. ""So Mr... Patrick O'Malley"", the interviewer begins. ""What skills can you bring to Australia?"" Patrick explains: ""Well, I'm a turf cutter. The best there is! My father was a turf cutter. His father was a turf cu…

The news from Australia yesterday was terrifying That poor Muslim guy, I'd hate to be trapped in a room full of Australians too.

Aussie, Osama Bin Laden and Barack Obama (Be warned and don't take offense) An Aussie, Osama Bin Laden and Barack Obama are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. ""I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total,"" says the Genie. The Aussie says, ""I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Australia."" With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Australia was forever …

To Absent Brothers An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we al…

A young boy uncovers a dark secret... (Disclaimer: Long, but very much worth the read.) There was a little boy who lived in a far away land. Close to the boy's home, there was a tall mountain, always covered in snow at the top. Also at the top of the mountain, there was an ancient monastery where ancient monks lived. Sometimes, the little boy, as he was riding his tricycle around his yard, would look up at the monastery on the tall mountain and wonder what it was like up there. One day, when the…

Another genie joke... Obviously a man finds a genie lamps, rubs it and a genie appears granting him a wish... The man is thinking about it and says ""Well, my hole life I wanted to go to Australia but I am afraid of flying. Could you just build a road from US to Australia so that I can go there by car?"" The genie loses his smile and says: ""Well, I was in my lamp for 1000years, I'm not powerful enough to build this road. Do you have another wish?"" - The man thinks for a while and simply replie…

A man drops a nail, which rolls under his bed, so he goes down under. This begs the question of why he decided to go to Australia to get a new nail instead of searching under his bed.

If you have 10 minutes to spare... There was a little boy who lived in a far away land. Close to the boy's home, there was a tall mountain, always covered in snow at the top. Also at the top of the mountain, there was an ancient monastery where ancient monks lived. Sometimes, the little boy, as he was riding his tricycle around his yard, would look up at the monastery on the tall mountain and wonder what it was like up there. One day, when the wind was blowing down off the mountain, the air turn…

Why is chess confusing in Australia? ""That's check, mate.""

A Priest and Uluru joke/riddle I know that this will be long, but its totally worth it. So, their is this traveler, by the name of John, who loves travelling around the world. He has been to 153 countries and seen what their is to see (Eiffel tower, Statue of Liberty, Taj Mahal, Great wall of China etc.) He has previously been to Australia before, but didn't see Uluru (he was only their for three days) So, he decided to go from New York-Sydney-Alice Springs-Uluru. He went by QANTAS, you need to …

Why wouldn't you hire bears from Australia? Because they don't have the necessary koalafications. (Derived from: http://www.neatorama.com/2014/04/07/When-Animals-Argue/)

A Scot and an Englishman were forced to move to Australia for work due to the really bad economy. They found employment building roads. One day the Englishman unknowingly got bitten by a snake and collapsed only to be found a short time thereafter by the Scot who cared for him. Upon waking the Englishman asked what happened and the Scot replied Snake!. Snake? replied the englishman, what happened? Bitumin! replied the scot

Birdshit Why do birds fly upside down over Australia? Because it's not worth shitting on.

There's an overloaded Plane With an American, Brit, Australian, and a Mexican. The pilot tells everybody that they have to dump all of the cargo that they possibly can. They keep dumping out more and more until finally there's no more. The pilot says, ""I'm sorry but we're going to have to make some of you jump out."" The Brit says, ""I'll go first, for the Queen!"" and jumps out. Then the Australian says, ""I'll go, for Australia."" and jumps out. Then the American says, ""For America!"" and th…

Why does Saudi Arabia import so many camels from Australia? They've got to get their 72 virgins *somewhere*

George Bush is being briefed about world news overnight... ...by his men, 'Mr President, there's been a plane crash in Australia, two Brazilian soldiers have been killed in action, a major bushfire....' George Bush interrupts and says, 'hang on, did you just say two Brazilian soldiers have been killed???!!!' To which the man replies, 'That's correct Mr President...' 'Oh my... that's absolutely terrible!' says Bush. The man, looking rather confused says, 'Sir, they've been far worse accidents tha…

Man lost in the desert A man is lost in a desert in Australia. He crawls for day until he finds a road. He hasn't had water in days. He sees a sign on each side of the road. On one side it says hope, 4 miles, on the other side it says Mercy 3 miles. Naturally he chooses to go to Mercy. As he gets close he sees that Mercy is one shack. He crawls closer and he sees that the shack is or was a restaurant, he can't tell if it is even open. Finally he gets to the door and sure enough there is an old w…

I saw a reddit post teasing Australia about being upside down. So I went ahead and gave it an Australian upvote.

Currency caper A Japanese man visits Australia. On the way in he converts his 4000 yen to $100. A couple of weeks later, he is returning home and converts his last $100, but this time only receives 2000 yen. ""what's up with this?"", he enquires, ""why is the conversion rate half what it was when I came here?"" ""fluctuations."" replies the exchange kiosk operator. ""yeah? well fluck you too, white man.""

Only in Australia A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Land Cruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice. ""There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free,"" he said. ""Okay,"" said the boss. ""In the back of the 'cruiser there's a pistol. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."" About 15 min…

Sorry, Australia... Overheard my sister talking to my friend when this was said. Sis: ""Do they have bush babies in Australia""? Friend: ""No, but they have plenty of dead babies in the bush"".

Remembering Brothers A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, ""You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."" The cowboy replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all le…