Australia Jokes

The Australian border patrol is so good... they even stop the good internet from reaching Australia.

The invention of the condom... About fifty years ago, a guy from New Zealand invented the condom by using the intestines from a sheep. Ten years after, a bloke from Australia re-invented it by first taking the intestines out of the sheep.

A Brit & an Aussie walk into the men's room and take a piss... As they finish, the Brit heads for the sink & turns on the water while the Aussie heads for the door. With a disapproving look, the Brit turns to the Aussie and says: ""In England, we wash our hands after using the bathroom."" ""No worries, mate;"" answers the Aussie, "" in Australia we don't piss on our hands.""

British men is visiting Australia. Learn: The man at customs asks him ""Do you have a criminal record?"" The British man replies ""I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more.""

My friend told me that he saw a bowl so big that it was the size of Australia. Which I replied, ""Wanna know whats also the size of Australia? Australia.

#1 Joke Voted by Australia My life

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, ""You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."" The Irishman replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left h…

An Irishman moves to America. One Saturday, he goes to a local bar in his town. He sits down at the counter and orders three beers. The bartender brings him his three beers, which the Irishman then proceeds to sip one, then the other, and then the third, until they are all finished. He then pays his fare and cheerfully goes on his way. The Irishman comes back to the bar for the next few Saturdays, ordering three beers and sipping them in the same fashion. One Saturday, before bringing him his be…

If Donald Trump is elected President, it would be more appropriate if we change the eagle on the Great Seal of the United States... to a hummingbird. Because hummingbird is the only species of bird that can fly backward, signifying the country's backward progression. P.S. Got the idea from the Coats of Arms of Australia.

I was making out with a man from Australia last night... ... on his bed. After a few minutes he stopped and said 'have you ever heard of an Australian kiss?' 'Nope, what's that?' I asked 'Well,' he said 'it's like a French kiss, but down under' (This did actually happen last night)

WALKS INTO A BAR... BEER BROTHERS A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, ""Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."" The man says, ""You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow…

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East . Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace. Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance. Latin American countries are sending clothing. New Zealand and Australia are se…

Communist rally In Cuba the communist leaders decide to have a rally to boost moral. So they invite all the people of Havana to the center square of town. One of the party leaders steps up to the podium to declare ""Great people of Cuba with everyones hard work we have produced enough sugar cane that we struck a trade agreement and most of it we will trade for lumber from Mexico."" The crowd cheered and some of the people began to say lumber that's great we can start to build new homes, schools …

I moved to Australia, I've never been so appreciated! I've had so many offers to ""Get F**ked!""... I have the pick of the litter!!

Xmas Joke Help Hi All, So December 1st is upon us (in Australia at least) and that means that it is time for me to begin my annual tradition of posting daily status updates on facebook with terrible xmas jokes until xmas. An advent calendar of xmas cracker jokes if you will. Anyway this is my third or fourth year doing it (I can't really remember) and the well has run kind of dry. So I thought I might reach out to the jokes community of reddit and ask for any terrible, cringe, hilarious and/or d…

I just discovered that Australia has a Canada day each year on 26 of May https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Sorry_Day

The Man Who Orders Three Beers An Irishman by the name of Paul McLean moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about…

I can't decide whether to go to Australia or Thailand this year for a holiday. So I decided to weigh up the pros and cons of both. Australia has a load of Cons, but Thailand has lots of Pros.

TIFU side down while on vacation in Australia. Oops - wrong sub...

The problem with Australia is that it's full of scary reptiles... Tony Abbot for example.

[rugby] Looks like Australia was in trouble there for a while... But in the end they got off Scot-free.

Australia beat England in their matchup in the Rugby World Cup. I guess you could say the prisoners beat the guards.

Animals in Australia There are 2 kinds of animals in Australia: * Those that want to eat you * Sheeps

Regarding the change of pm in Australia... Thought that it was abbot time it changed since it turn-ed blue for Tony ... I'll see myself out

Another Limerick, There once was a man from Australia... (This works best with a British accent.) There once was a man from Australia, Who painted his ass like a dahlia, Two cents a smell, Was all very well, But three cents a lick was a failure.