Angel Jokes

What did the angel say when he saw God make the element Phosphorus? It's a match made in Heaven!

Gandhi and two other guys die and end up in an unknown place far from the Gates of Heaven... And the three of them are greeted by an angel. The angel says to them ""Heaven is pretty far from here and you're probably gonna need a vehicle. I'm going to give you one depending on how many kids you had in your lifetime."" The first guy only had one so the angel gave him a Lamborghini. The second guy had seven so that angel gave him a Ford Model T. And Gandhi had to walk all of the way. When the other…

Why is the Angel of Death so socially awkward? Because he sucks at life.

A North Pole story of Christmas traditions It was not shaping up to be a Merry Christmas at the North Pole. Mr. Claus was buttoning his suspenders when an angel popped in out of nowhere, yelling ""HEY SANTA!"". That caused his fingers to lose grip, and the whole thing snapped him in the eye. When he got out to the elves, they were all grumbling because of the stickers they had to put on. A Chinese expedition had come in and claimed sovereignty of his little magic island on the pole, and he'd all…

How the angel got on top of the Christmas tree It had been a horrible Christmas season...Santa was crazy busy...then on Christmas eve the elves went on strike...Santa had to load all the gifts on his sleigh by himself...he climbed aboard and yelled out ""on Dasher & Prancer, Comet & Blizzen"" only to have his team take off without him...without the elves, no one had harnessed the reindeer to his sleigh..so Santa had to chase them over the globe...it was almost dawn when he had all of the…

I have some bad news about my uncle Ziti... He pasta way.. ... He sure was a pizza work. ... ... At least he's with the angel hairs right now. ... ... ... Please say a prayer for him on parm Sunday. ... ... ... ... ... ... .. ... ... ... ... ... Spaghetti. Edit:formatting

Santa was having a really bad day.... Everything was going wrong. The elves were looking for a raise, Rudolph was sick, Mrs Clause was in a foul mood. So the Angel arrived at the door dragging a Christmas tree he asked Santa, ""what will I do with the tree""? And that is why you will always find an Angel sitting on top of the Christmas tree.

[Meta] Need help refining this joke. It's a variation of the ""Did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?"" joke. No idea if it's original or not but it popped into my head. The joke is ""What made you give up life as an angel to live as a mortal instead?"" Or maybe ""Why did you give up life as an angel to live amongst us mortals? Actually now that I typed that out it seems good enough. But if you have a better version I'd like to hear it.

Daddy, why do we put an angel at the top of the Christmas tree? It was Christmas Eve and Santa was working overtime to try to get everything packed on the sleigh. The elves had gone on strike and everything was going wrong. But Santa didn't want to ruin the season for the kids. An angel came by and asked Santa if she could help, but Santa was too angry at the elves and too busy to take time to tell the angel what to do. Santa was throwing gifts into his bag when the bag tipped over. Santa yelled…

Two guys are talking in a bar... About their wives. The first man proudly tells the other '""My wife's an angel!"" to which the other man replies, ""You're lucky, mine's still alive.""

There Had Recently Been A Global Epidemic... ...Billions of people were dying. As a result, there was a line of souls waiting to get into heaven. God had become overwhelmed. He said to one of his angels ""Go wait at the gates of heaven and only let in people who had a unique death."" So the angel goes. The angel gets to the gate and the first soul comes up. The angel asks ""How did you die?"" The man's soul replied ""Well, lately I had suspected that my wife was cheating on me, so I decided to c…

Three angels are given gifts from god based on their loyalty and appreciation towards their spouses. The first angel confesses that he often cheats on his wife and believes she would be better off....to be the equivalent of dead in heaven. The second angel admits that his wife can be a bitch sometimes but still is willing to stick with her for eternity. Provided she stays in shape of course. The third angel proudly states that his wife is the sole purpose of his existence and argues that she is …

Nah, I'll do it tomorrow... Every day this cute girl sits next to me on the bus. She has a great smile, sparkling eyes, ass like pow, chest like bang. Whenever she sits next to me I can hardly think straight, breathing gets harder, I break a sweat. Every day I think to myself: ""I'm going to talk to her."" So I gather all my courage, I look at her she looks back at me, I feel the tension rising... but I look away and think to myself: ""Nah, I'll do it tomorrow..."" Before I know it it's the next…

Judgment day of 3 nuns 3 nuns die and go to afterlife for judgment. The angel who is supposed to judge them points out the holy water and says: ""You'll be allowed to enter to heaven if you wash the body parts you have sinned with using this holy water."" The nuns get into a row in front of the holy water. First nun goes and washes her hands then leaves. Just before second nun uses the holy water, third nun rushes up and gargles. Angel gets curious and asks why she did that. Third nun answers: "…

A sausage factory explodes... And one of the sausages hits a wandering angel. Puzzled by the object he goes to saint Peter and asks: ""Hey, Peter you have knowledge about the world of men , can you tell me what this is?"" Saint Peter takes the sausage , he looks at it for a while, tastes it, smells it and shurgs his shoulders. ""Take it to Virgin Mary she has lived in the world bellow more than any of us "" So the angel goes to the Blessed Virgin Mary and asks her to explain the obscure object. …

A man went to heaven... So a man in the hospital died of a sickness and went up to heaven. Before he could enter he had to go to a sort of office building, he noticed the office walls were covered in clocks. He asked the angel working at the desk, ""What are these clocks for?"" To which the angel replied, ""These clocks move 1 minute for every lie someone tells or told."" The man points to a clock, ""Whose is this?"" The angel tells him, ""This is Abraham Lincoln's clock, it has only moved 2 min…

The Three Kingdoms (Redux) Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these three kingdoms had fought over an island centered at the middle of the lake. Over the years, the kingdoms had shed much blood and made many sacrifices in order to have control over the immense beauty and bountiful resources inherent in the small island; however no kingdom has managed to gain complete control over the land for very long. These kingdoms had resorted to prayi…

The old man's woe One day I was walking and saw an old man dressed in a black suit sitting on a bench in front of a cemetery crying. In his hands he held a heart shaped locket, and to comfort him, I said ""I'm sorry about the loss of your wife..."" ""What? Oh no, my wife is fine. In fact, she's perfect! She's a younger woman, but she cooks, she does all the shopping, and she even likes watching sports! We never argue at all, she's an absolute angel, and I love her."" ""Oh that's great,"" I smile…

Saw this over on r/ffffuuuuuu and thought I would put it in joke format. A ginger is contemplating suicide one day. Cursing the heavens and stars. He yells out in despair ""I would do ANYTHING to change my hair color and get rid of these freckles!"" Just then Satan appears. Out of the blue the angel of light himself Beelzebub pops up. He asks the man ""You would do anything?"" Knowing exactly who the demonman is, he unsurely answers ""Well, I suppose.."" ""Even sell your soul?"" replied Lucifer.…

The saga of Bob and Sam the Clam Bear with me, folks. So, Bob and Sam the clam are best of friends. Yet, one fateful day, Bob and Sam both died. Bob and Sam are sent to the pearly gates of Clam Heaven, where they will be given their final resting place. The angel guarding the gates says ""Bob! You have spent your life well and proper. Congratulations, you shall live in clam heaven. Sam! You, on the other hand, have not been so good. I sentence you back to the bottom of the sea to operate a disco…

A Letter from Heaven I read this one almost a decade ago, surprisingly, I still remember it. Here goes: One day in Heaven, God saw the Earth and became saddened by all the news of crimes, wars, and strife. He became disappointed with the prominence of evil in the world, and called forth some angels and told them, ""I am disappointed by the amount of evil going on in this world, please go out and find me some morally good people, I would rest easy knowing that there is still good down there."" Tw…

A bus full of nuns crashes... A bus full of nuns crashes and kills everyone inside. Now their spirits are all in line waiting to get into heaven. At the front of the line there is an angel who let's them in. as the first nun in line approaches the angel, he says ""do you have any sins to confess before I let you into heaven?"" the nun replies ""no"", she gets in. The second nun gets to the angel and he asks again ""do you have any sins to confess before I let you into heaven?"" she answers ""Umm…

Ten Commandments God sends his angel to Earth to deliver his Commandments to the people. First the angel visited the Germans: ""God has sent me to deliver his commandments"", says the angel. ""Give us an example"", say the Germans ""Thou shall not covet your neighbours land"" ""Begone!!!"", say the Germans Next the angel goes the France. They too want an example. ""Thou shall not covet your neighbour's wife"" ""Begone!!!!"", say the French. Next the angel goes to the Jews. ""God has sent me to d…

Three dudes die. One is a doctor, the other is a surgeon, and the last is an HMO. St. Peter greets them and explains they can't get into heaven just yet. They each need to do something first. St. Peter turns to the doctor, ""You were a good doctor, but you didn't always make time for your patients, and some of them dies because of it. You must apologize to them all before you can enter."" The doctor agrees and an angel takes him to the patients. Next, St. Peter speaks to the surgeon, ""You were …

Karl Marx passed away and went to hell... After some days, Lucifer, caretaker of the hell met with Angel, who take care of Heaven. Yes, they meet sometimes in the corridors of heavenly worlds! Today Lucifer was gloomy. When Angel asked about his sadness, Lucifer replied. ""There is a new guy in hell named Karl Marx. He created all kinds of trouble in Hell. Now employee demons are striking and day-to-day work is not functioning in hell. Now there is a union for demons!"" To this angel replied ""W…