Angel Jokes

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, ""Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."" And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some n…

A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was. 'Oh that's easy' the man replied 'His name is Andy.' 'What make you think his name is Andy?' the angel asked incredulously. 'Well you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me Andy talks with me.'

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ""Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."" The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ""Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."" The man did as he was instructed just as a car came careening around the corner …

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. ""How did you get here?"" he asked. And the new angel replied ""Flu...""

Why did the angel lose her job? She had harp failure.

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. ""Sorry but you can't take your wealth with you."" The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappear…

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them and said ""I'm sorry gentlemen but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."" ""Great!"" said the first guy ""I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"" ""No problem"" replied St. Peter and POOF! The guy was gone. ""And what do you want to be"" St. Peter asked the other guy. ""I'd like to be one cool stud!"" was the reply. ""Easy"" replied St. Peter and the ot…

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel and was just delightful. The woman said ""what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"" The little girl looks up at the woman and says ""Twick or Tweat!"" The woman thinks this is just adorable and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child ""Go ahead honey say it just one more time."" Once again the little An…

An Irish priest loved to fly fish it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his favourite flies out of their box Strangly though every Sunday the weather had been good but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forcast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon. …

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak the first guy asked the angel humbly ""I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"" ""Of course"" the angel said and when he touched the man's back the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the ang…

It was Christmas eve and Santa was really busy making his list and checking it twice when there came a knock at the door. His wife comes in. ""Honey where do you want me to put your boots and gloves?"" Well Santa is very busy and so he's slightly annoyed by this trivial question so he snaps at her ""Put them by the front door and stop bothering me. I'm trying to get some work done."" He starts back to work but a few minutes later an elf barges in. ""Santa we got all the toys wrapped what shoul…

What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake of course!

Spelling bee in heaven. A married woman named Harriet was very ill and passed away. When she ascended into heaven, an angel was waiting for her. The angel said, "You can be allowed into heaven, if you spell a word for me." Harriet replies, "OK, what's the word?" "The word is love." "L-O-V-E, love." Harriet spells. "Welcome to heaven, but before you go in, can you watch the gate for me? I have to go do something. If someone comes up you know what to do" the angel asks. "Okay," and the angel f…

A Statue of Two Lovers Out in the middle of a park, there is a beautiful statute of a young man and a young woman, holding hands while looking lovingly at each other. One day, an angel appears, and brings the statutes to life. The angel says, "You have been like that for decades, and as a reward, I have brought you to life for 1 hour." The two, now living, statues look at each other, and run off, hand in hand, giggling into the woods. 30 minutes later, flushed with excitement, they return. …

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven... ...he is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Forrest, to get into heaven, you're going to need to answer three questions. 1. How many days of the week start with the letter T? 2. How many seconds are there in a year? 3. What is God's first name? Forrest thinks long and hard about these three questions. Finally, he goes up to the angel and says, "I've got my answers sir." Peter: "Okay, Forrest. How many days of the week start with the letter T?" F…

Three friends die and go to heaven *Edited for spelling* [The names of the friends are interchangeable, try using your own friends' names for added humor] Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual speel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." The three friends think this is an odd rule, but they…

A guy walks into a bar, all battered and bruised... It looked like he'd just gone 10 rounds with the Klitschko brothers. Blood everywhere. "God's balls, son, what happened to you?" said the barman. "Well, I was about to come into the bar when I slipped on a dog turd on the pavement just outside," explained the customer. "But you're covered in bruises and blood," said the barman. "That can't have happened just from falling over." "Well, no," said the customer. "I'd picked myself up and was d…

A geek dies and goes to heaven. After spending a few days there, he realizes there are a lot of people he wants to talk to, and a lot of questions he wants to ask them. He walks up to an angel and asks, "So how come we don't have iPads up here? It would be really nice to have an iPad; that way I could jot down a note about something I want to ask someone, and when I meet them, I can look it up again." The angel says, "Dear brother, in heaven we do not need iPads to remember things for us, for …

Doug comes home very drunk one night... He sneaks upstairs to his bedroom and passes out next to his wife, Shirley. All of a sudden, his room fills with a bright light and hovering over the foot of the bed is an angel. Doug is very frightened and has no idea what is going on. The angel says, "Doug, don't be afraid. I am come to tell you that you are dead. You died of alcohol poisoning." Doug is upset, scared, saddened, everything all at once. "Dead? I never even got to say goodbye to my…

God sends an angel down from Heaven... ...To bring the commandments to the people of the world, first the angel visits the French and he says "I have these commandments for you, they'll make your lives better" "Well, what are they?" asked the French "Thou shalt not commit adultery" replied the angel "Bah, we're not interested" the French scoffed, and he waved the angel away. Next the angel went to the Germans and offered them the commandments, "What are they?" the Germans asked. "Thou shalt…

A man arrives in heaven. He's met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who consults his book and tells the man that his sins weigh almost evenly against his righteousness and the angel is having a hard time deciding whether to let him into heaven. "Listen," says St. Peter. "Tell me of a selfless act you performed to convince me you are truly good." So the man says, "Well I was driving across the state one time and I saw a group of bikers dragging a screaming woman off road, away from her car. I …

Which car will you get in heaven? Three guys are standing in heaven, their names are Greg, James, and Tony. They are at a car dealership, and an angel asks them "were you faithful to your wives?" Greg answers "yes, I never cheated on my wife." He is given a new Lamborghini. The angel then asks James if he ever cheated on his wife. He says "once, and I am ashamed to admit it." He is given a Toyota Corolla. The angel then asks Tony, and he says "yes, lots of times." He is given an old Morris Mari…

Houdini and Criss Angel Criss Angel and Houdini walk into a bakery. Criss palms 3 Donuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Houdini, I make donuts disappear at will!" Houdini responds, "Not bad, not bad at all." Houdini then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick. The curious owner answers, "Of course!" Houdini proceeds to ask him for a Doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for anothe…

So Three People Died... Three "perfect" people had died. These people had never done anything wrong in their entire lives, and had never sinned. Because of this, they were not acknowledged as living a full life: therefore, an angel had met them halfway to Heaven. "You three have not committed any sins in your entire lives. I will send you each back to Earth for one hour in order to achieve one sin, then I will allow you to drink from the holy water and pass onto Heaven." An hour passed and t…

God decides it's time for a vacation... ...so he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan." "That could be nice," says God, "but I'm not really in the mood for such warm weather." Another angel chimes in with a suggestion. "Well if not Mercury, how about Pluto?" (Yes, I …