Angel Jokes

A priest and a lawyer A priest and a lawyer had both died, after what seemed like eternity they finally stood before the pearly gates of heaven. Suddenly the gates open and a bright angel of God apears before them. "Welcome to the kingdom of Heaven, please get in my carriage and I will show you to your new homes" says the angel. The priest and the lawyer oblige and climb aboard. As they travel they see roads of gold and jewels. Houses large and small. Finally they approach the first house. I…

The real reason there's an angel on the top of the Christmas tree. When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More …

Three friends die and go to heaven (Change the names in this if you want to) Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." The three friends think this is an odd rule, but they agree to it and step in. The second they enter they realize that the final ru…

A joke my dad used to tell my brother and me. Long but worth it IMO. Three men die and find themselves in a waiting room outside the gates of heaven. An angel enters the room and says, "hey guys. We've had a really busy day. A lot of good people died today and we are almost at capacity for the day. However, if you explain how you died, maybe I can make some room for you." The first man walks up to the angel and says, "well it all started a few weeks ago. I was having suspicions that my wife …

Angel. Jeff is talking to Ben : • My wife is an angel. Ben tells him : • Lucky you, mine is still alive...

Three deeply devout men were killed in a tragic car accident while on their way to church... The three men awoke in front of a fountain with the great Gates of Heaven in the far distance. Standing in front of the fountain was an angel, wearing a seemingly dissatisfied smile. "You three men have been so devout for your entire lives that you have never succumbed to sin." The men felt as though this was a compliment and smiled, until the angel corrected them. "The Lord will not allow you to dri…

A man wakes up in a dingy slum, with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is. "You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here." All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified …

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabe Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm…

A man dies and goes to heaven In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks. He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?" Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once." The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock does this belong to?" Angel answers 'This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved, so she has never told a lie." then the man asks "Where is Hillary Clintons clock?" The Angel replies "T…

A man wakes up in a dingy slum with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is. "You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here." All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified b…

A Blonde, Brunette, and Redhead all meet at the Stairway to Heaven... An angel at the top says, "I'm going to tell a joke to you all. If you do not laugh, you may advance one stair, but if you DO laugh, you'll fall off into Hell." The angel tells the 1st joke and the women do not laugh. They all advance. The angel tells the 2nd joke and the Redhead laughs, and she falls off the Stairway. On the 6th joke, the Brunette laughs and falls of the Stairway. After all 15 jokes, the Blonde makes i…

QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God…

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Jewish man die and go to heaven.... An angel ushers the Frenchman into a room filled with every French delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of French onion soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. The Frenchman thinks for a moment and stands back in fear. An angel ushers the Italian into a room filled with every Italian delicacy imaginable and instructs him -…

A group of philosophers are greeted by an angel. The angel tells them, "You may ask me any one question, and I will answer it. You may talk amongst yourselves and consider what question you would like to ask." They immediately begin considering what question they should ask the angel. One proposes they should ask him what the correct religion is. Another suggests they should ask him what moral compass theory is correct. One philosopher considers asking the angel what the best question to ask …

The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes. On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one. An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, “This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?” “Of course it is,” said the Lord, smiling. “Who can he tell?”

A mathematician leaves a conference only to find that the last train has gone. Being a devout Christian, he falls to his knees and prays: "God, if it lies within your will, please send me a way to get home tonight!". To his astonishment, there is a swirl of ethereal music, and an angel descends from the clouds, and moments later a shiny black Audi appears where it wasn't before. "Hail, thou who has found favour with the Lord!" proclaims the angel. "Here is your way home" - and the angel hands …

A Rabbi is giving a lecture , when suddenly an angel appears. The angel says, “ because of your devotion to God , you will merit to have either great wealth or great wisdom. Choose one!” Without hesitation, the Rabbi says, “I’ll take the wisdom!” “Done!” says the angel, and he disappears in a flash of light. The entire congregation is in shock. After several moments of awestruck silence, the Rabbi’s assistant leans in and whispers, “Rabbi, now that you’re so much smarter say something smart!…

Lawyer Joe Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."   "What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"   "45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.   "Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."   "Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel…

The Professor A professor at Oxford University is retiring after a brilliant career spanning several decades. At the farewell dinner, all his fellow professors and colleagues gather to congratulate him, thank him for his service, and give rousing speeches about how great his contribution to the University and the world has been. Someone proposes a toast, and just as they begin, there's a flash of light accompanied by divine music, and ... there in front of the gathering is an Angel from heave…

When god was making the world and the people an angel approached and asked "How will people find their ideal spouse, one that will love, cherish and respect them?" God smiled and said, "if one searches with true love and honesty in their heart, they can find them at any corner of the world." Then god went ahead and made the world round!

Heaven is purrfect A cat dies and goes to heaven. An angel meets him at the gate and says: “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask”. The cats says: “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors”. The angel says: “Say no more”. Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice die and go to heaven. The angel meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat. T…

The Christmas Angel Christmas was fast approaching, and Santa was in a world of hurt. Toy production was behind schedule, and the Elf union was threatening a strike. Mrs. Santa had washed his Santa suit with the lists of which children had been naughty and which had been nice in the pocket. Two of the reindeer were down with hoof and mouth, and he had just gotten an "extended warranty" call about his sleigh. There was a knock on the door. Santa grumbled "Now what?" and answered the door.…

The Cowboy’s Final Wishes In 1881, in the Wild West, a cowboy is captured by a tribe of Native Americans and tied to a pole to be executed. The Natives ask the cowboy if he has any final wishes, the cowboy asks to speak to his horse one last time and set him free, and to hold off the execution until Sunday, since he wanted to die on a holy day. The Natives grant this, the cowboy whispers some things to his horse, then lets him go. The horse gallops far away and out of sight. As Sunday approach…

Before I put the angel on top of it, our Christmas tree was ... ... sans seraph.

There were these two statues in a park. They depicted two lovers, always straining towards each other, but never able to touch. One day, an angel flew down from heaven and said to these statues, "You have been such excellent statues across many years! God has decreed that as a reward for being such good statues, you will be granted one day of life and freedom. After that, you will return to your statue form." Well the day came, and the statues burst into life. The lovers lept from their plin…