Angel Jokes

A white man in Northern Africa In the year 2100, a small country in Northern Africa started to snow 24/7 due to global warming. Dr. Smith was a brilliant European journalist interviewing top climate research institutes in this country. He was familiar with this country because this was where he got circumcised in his younger years due to his Jewish girlfriend's demand. Being Caucasian, Dr. Smith always stood out in the crowd wherever he went. Everywhere he went, people always chased after him. T…

What do you call a woman in heaven? An Angel A crowd of women in heaven? - A host of Angels And all women in heaven? - PEACE ON EARTH!

Did you fall from the sky? Not because you look like an angel but because your face looks like you fell from a really high place ;).

Marriage Jokes (Hope you didn't hear this one yet) In Heaven, there are two signs. One is ""Men who listened and did everything their wives told them"". There was a gigantic line. The other sign was ""Men who did what they wanted to do"", with only one person. An angel asks him how he feels being the only one. ""I feel normal,"" he said,"" My wife told me to stand here"" This joke is not mine nor do I consider it mine. Its a joke i found and wanted to share.

The story of the angel on the Christmas tree... It had been a long, hard day in Santa's workshop. The slay had broken down, and the elves were on strike. So, when an innocent angel flew down to him, bearing a tree for decoration, and asked ""where should I put this one sir?"" Santa had a response ready and waiting.

Why we put an angel on top of the Christmas tree: Santa was having a rough Christmas Eve. His elves were on strike. Several reindeer ran away. Mrs. Claus was being bitchier than normal. And, he had to work all night. Without any help, he wrapped up the presents, put them in the sack, and loaded up the sleigh. As he was taking off, the sack got caught on the garage and ripped open. Presents spilled everywhere. While he was picking everything up, an angel showed up. This beautiful, cheery heavenly…

An Angel came to Mary ""She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel. "" To which Mary replied, ""Yikes... I kinda already picked out Jesus""

Weird voice A woman opened the door of a building and was about to step outside when she heard a voice saying, ""Don't take that next step or you'll regret it."" She paused and a brick came crashing to the pavement right where she would have been standing. She looked around and there was no one nearby. The next day this woman was about to step into the street when she heard this same voice say, ""Don't take that next step or you'll regret it."" As she paused a truck came racing by and smashed in…

The Tale of 2 Statues There are 2 famous statues that reside in a park. These 2 stand facing each other with a path running between them. The artist who created them did so with such love for one another that even angels began to take notice. One day an angel came down from heaven and brought the statues to life. The angel said ""I could feel your emotions from the heavens and I knew I must let you act out your desires. For the next hour you will be free to express yourselves to the fullest exte…

Most guys think i look like an angel... because they don't see me.

A priest and a lawyer had both died, after what seemed like eternity they finally stood before the pearly gates of heaven. Suddenly the gates open and a bright angel of God apears before them. ""Welcome to the kingdom of Heaven, please get in my carriage and I will show you to your new homes"" says the angel. The priest and the lawyer oblige and climb aboard. As they travel they see roads of gold and jewels. Houses large and small. Finally they approach the first house. It is large and beautiful…

That's a hard one... On their way home from church, three little old women were in a horrible car crash. When they made it up to heaven St. Peter was waiting for them at the pearly gates. Before letting them in St. Peter told them that they hadn't lived the best life, as they had just recently started going to church to try and make up for it and told them that they had to answer a single question to get into heaven. St. Peter asked the first woman what was the name of the angel of death and she…

'The victim was beaten with a porcelain angel figurine, suspect confirmed to be an Irishman' 'I guess you could say he was Knick-Knack Paddy Whacked.'

The Value of Wisdom An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, ""Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."" Reflecting on his life, the man says, ""I'll take the wisdom."" ""Wisdom is yours,"" says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, ""I should have taken the money.""

Mysterious voice A woman was walking along a sidewalk when a mysterious voice from above boomed out ""Stop!"". She stopped, just as a palette of bricks crashed to the ground from a construction crane overhead. She proceeded around the bricks thankful for the warning. A few days later she was crossing the street when the same voice bellowed out ""Stop!"". She stopped again, just as a semi ran a red light and passed a few inches in front of her. She looked up to the sky and shouted ""I appreciate …

A man's iPhone fell into the toilet bowl while he was shitting ... He was devastated and started crying.. Seeing his dismal state the toilet angel came out with a gold iPhone. The guy remembered the wood cutter story and trying to be modest said "" i don't want this gold iPhone, mine was a simple one"". Hearing this toilet angel smiled and said "" This is the same phone asswipe.. wash it with soap""

An angel walks in to God's office while He's creating the world... and sees God drawing on his notepad a roundish thing with two eyes, a nose and a mouth. The angel says ""Hi God, what are you doing?"" ""I'm working on the human being,"" says God, ""But that's not due until the sixth day, today's only the third!"" ""I know, I'm just planning a head!""

white reincarnations cost extra When you die and you're given the reincarnation menu, coming back as a white person probably will cost extra. You'll need to spend a few rounds as a Tibetan monk or Mississippi slave to save up enough God coins to unlock the exclusive angel-cake skin. By choosing white you get a ""likely to be well received by strangers"" bonus; random encounters will have a 25% greater chance of yielding favorable results (unless you're in bizarro world, aka gangland, where all s…

Angelic time A man prayed for some good fortune. An angel appeared. He asked the angel what's the equivalent of 5 minutes in heaven? To which the angel replied 5 minutes is equal to 5 millenia in earth time. How much is 5 million dollars in heavenly currency? The angel said it roughly equates to 5 cents. Can you grant me one wish? Only one wish said the angel. Can you grant me 5 million dollars? To which the angel replied... Give me 5 minutes..

How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? The question is irrelevant, because as soon as the first angel steps onto the head, the tip will rub against the ground, making it pointless.

Archangel Gabriel was giving a fingerjob to his third favourite angel. After sensing an ovum falling out of her womb, Gab pulled out his fingers, tasted the ovum and said, ""This tastes like... half a life, Three.""

Joke What did the one Angel say to the other? ""Halo""

The Angel Atop The Tree Tradition One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax. When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He …

joke of the day A man tells his friend, ""My wife is an angel."" His friend replies, ""Lucky you. Mine's still alive.""

Drunk Grading Scale Two drunk men were sitting on a park bench, grading women one afternoon. A decent looking girl walked by and one says, ""That girl is a solid 6, for sure."" The other man says ""No way man, she's a one, maybe 1.5."" Another lady comes by, real pretty, and the first guy says ""Man she's definitely a 8 or 8.5."" The other man replies, ""you're crazy, she's a 3, no doubt about it."" Well here comes this angel in the flesh, most beautiful woman you've ever seen, and the one guy s…