Angel Jokes

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

GOD: Eyelashes ANGEL: What do they do? GOD: Protect eyes ANGEL: And? GOD: Get into people's eyes. It's extremely painful. ANGEL: Are you ok?

Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night? God: no..... Angel: *holds up platypus God: a little..

*el chapo dies* God: okay I'm gonna have to send you to hell Chapo: ok *3 weeks later* Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell

*wears shoulder pads for the angel and devil on my shoulders *pimps their ride

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you... GOD: [creates dog] ANGEL: ...and for how they actually do GOD: [creates cat]

"Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?" "Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-" "WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!"

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like "I'm back yall"

*whispers to businessman sleeping next to me on bus* Sleep tight precious angel

When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from 'balancing on edge of bed' to 'snow angel'

[Biblical Times] God: oh shit Angel: what? God: I just realized I've been leaning on the frog button.

[inventing humans] god: "they should have complete control of their tongue" angel: "um ok" god: "let me finish.. except when using scissors"

GOD: let's make an armored raccoon that turns into a bowling ball ANGEL: but why wou- GOD: and we'll call it an armadillo for some reason

[creating man] GOD: They need air to live ANGEL: Done G: And food A: Ok G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes A: wtf?

angel of God: mary u shall give birth to the son of God himself & he shall be named Jesus & shall die on a cross mary: i have a boyfriend

[god designing humans] Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

CREATION OF MAN God: And as they age, they shall lose all the hair on their heads and grow more in their ears & noses Angel: Yes, my Liege

(1st day in heaven) Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

[God creating the raccoon] God: make it cute with a lil mask Angel: haha aw okay God: also make it eat trash

[God creating cheesecake] GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good ANGEL: shouldn't u share it? GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo ANGEL: But they live on land GOD: Yep ANGEL: GOD: ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u GOD: Not a bit

Every time I glue uncooked pasta together, a macaroni angel gets its wings.

I sometimes feel like the Angel on my shoulder is on vacation & the Devil invited his cousin over for a play date

[creating foxes] GOD: make it orange & give it a fat tail ANGEL: ok... GOD: and make it sneaky ANGEL: you sure? GOD: yeah... real sneaky