Angel Jokes

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, ""Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."" So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming…

When heaven was full... God ordered the angel at the gate to only let people in who have died horrible deaths into heaven. So the angel asked the first man who came up, ""How did you die?"" The first man replied, ""You see, I was coming home from work early this day because I suspected my wife of cheating on me, and I wanted to catch her in the act. So I came home to our apartment, on the 3rd floor mind you, and on my way up, I heard a lot of scuffling. When I got in my wife argued that no one e…

Santa's bad day When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were gone, heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the…

3 guys go to heaven... 3 men go to Heaven. They are greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to the 3 men, ""Welcome to Heaven. There is only 1 rule in Heaven. Do not step on the ducks. God loves his ducks more than anything else, and you will be punished if you step on a duck."" Saint Peter opens the gates, and lets the 3 men in. When they enter, they immediately notice that ducks are everywhere. They would have to be very careful not to step on the ducks. A few days go by. …

Three soldiers walk into a bathroom... Three soldiers walk into a bathroom: an Ultramarine, a Blood Angel, and an Imperial Guardsman. They each head to a urinal and begin to do their business. The Ultramarine finishes first, and walks over to wash his hands. Washing his hands, he uses plenty of soap and water, spends a long time scrubbing his hands, then grabs towel after towel, wastefully tossing them after a single use, ensuring his hands are dry. ""In the Ultramarines, they teach us to be tho…

What has 2 wings and a halo? Did you say angel? WRONG! Its a chinese phone. *Wing Wing* ""Halo?""

Crap....all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.

Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, ""No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."" When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - S…

Q: What did one angel say to the other? A: ""Halo.""

Bob dies and goes to the pearly gates where he waits in line. As he draws closer he sees there are two lines; a short one and a long one. He walks to the front of the long line and sees a sign written above the head of the angel in charge: THIS WAY TO HELL>> MEN WHO LET WOMEN WEAR THE PANTS He decides that this line is just way to long and goes around to the other line where a sign reads; THIS WAY TO HEAVEN>> GUYS WITH BALLS There is only one person in this line and he is a small, frayed and wit…

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The E…

""Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers."" ""Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?"" ""If I followed you home, would you keep me?"" ""I think I must be dying because I'm looking at Heaven."" ""Do u sleep on your stomach ...........can I?"" ""I know they say milk does a body good but damn, how much have u been drinking?"" ""If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together"" ""HEY!!!! Wanna go half on a baby?"" ""That dress looks great on …

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, ""Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."" Davidson thinks about it and says, ""I wanna hang out with God, Himself."" The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, ""Hey, aren't you the inventor o…

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards crack…

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, ""Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."" God thought for a moment and said, ""Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."" So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel retur…

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. ""Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."" The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ""Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."" The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corne…

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line …

Monday: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. T…

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. On one particular Sunday it turned out to be a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, the temperature was just right and there was very little wind. The preacher was in a quandary and wasn't sure what to do....play golf or give the Sunday service. The urge to play golf overcame him and he called in his assistant to take care of the Sunday service for him…

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said ""Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."" The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, ""Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to b…

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice …

A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognisably donkeyish steed, led by Joseph. on the ground nearby lay a black blob. ""What is that?"" asked the teacher. ""The flea,"" answered the artist. ""What flea, dear?"" asked the puzzled teacher. ""The one the Angel told Joseph to take."" Eventually, puzzled but not liking to challenge an imaginative child, the teacher checked out her Bible. And there it was : Matthew…

What did one angel say to the other? ""Halo.""

Sarah Kay was studying the origins of foods in kindergarten. One day, she and her mother were walking through the grocery store discussing what ingredients went into various products. Sarah Kay said, ""Pork comes from pigs and beef comes from cows."" Then she asked, ""How DO they get the pork from the pig, Mommy?"" Her mother felt that the truth was the only way to go, so she explained that they kill the animal to eat its meat. Horrified, Sarah Kay went past shelves staring at the meat and sayin…