Angel Jokes

[Cretaceous Period] T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier... DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha's weird but ok 1 sec

Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.

God: I call it a Caterpillar Angel: What is it? God: A worm with feet Angel: You're really out of ideas huh? God: Then it grows wings

[creating humans] GOD: Make them imperfect... ANGEL: Okay...done... GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS] GOD: a rat dog ANGEL: check GOD: that whispers to white people ANGEL: what? GOD: about the weather ANGEL:

I worry my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe a vision of how much worse it could have been.

Every time a Taco Bell rings, an angel gets diarrhea

[God, wasted, creating humans] Angel: How do they cool themselves off? God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them. Angel: How...Ok.

GOD: I've created donuts ANGEL: ooh they're yummy but why the hole? GOD: ANGEL: GOD: ANGEL: because they are holy GOD: because they are holy

Appropriate for Election Season A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and asks his profession. The man says he was a politician. ""Ah,"" says St. Peter, ""then you may choose whether you would like to go to heaven or hell. You may spend one week in heaven, then one week in hell. At the end of the two weeks, you may decide where you would likes to spend the rest of eternity."" So the man goes first to heaven. Everyone sits around peacefully strumming their harps a…

Blonde Cookbook! MONDAY: The recipe for today is angel food cake. You have to beat 12 eggs separately, so I'm lucky the neighbors had some extra bowls to let me borrow. TUESDAY: Fruit salad supper, serve without dressing. I didn't get dressed at all, as per recipe, and what a surprise when my boyfriend brought his friends home for supper. WEDNESDAY: Rice pilaf, wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. I took a good bath and washed very thoroughly, even between my toes. The taste of the rice was…

20 Minutes Two statues, a man and a woman, are sitting in a park where they have been for years. One day, an angel comes down from the heavens and gives life to these two statues. Angel: ""Ok you two, because of the limits of my power I can only grant you 20 minutes of life. What you do is up to you, so go on and be free for 20 minutes."" Man Statue: ""Come on, I know exactly what we should do."" He grabs the female's hand and they run off into the bushes giggling. A lot of rustling of the bush …

So God's getting ready to go on vaction... And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, ""So, where are you going to go for your vacation?"" And God says, ""Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!' Edit: Spelled vacation wrong

A cabbie and a priest die at the same time ... and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. peter looks at the cabbie's records and exclaims, ""welcome to heaven good sir!"" before giving him a golden silk robe and keys to a villa. Looking at the spectacle in front of him, the priest thinks he's set. When he arrives, St. Peter looks at his chart and says, ""you'll do"" before giving him a somewhat old robe and keys to what looked like an apartment. The priest looks astonished and asks the angel why he…

Clocks in Heaven A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. ""Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once."" She is amazed at this and goes looking. She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at…

Design Fault Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, ""Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."" Davidson thinks about it and says, ""I wanna hang out with God, Himself."" The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, ""Hey, aren't you t…

A matter of conscience A man is lying awake in the middle of the night in a hotel room, wracked with guilt because he just cheated on his wife. His conscience takes the form of a little angel and a little devil, and he's talking with them about what just happened. The angel says, ""Bill, this is the most terrible thing you've ever done! You've destroyed your marriage, you'll lose the house, the kids, and everything that means anything to you. And for what? One night of pleasure with her, who you…

Two beautiful statues In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many, many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, ""Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."" And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues s…

Senator Franken dies and goes to heaven... Senator Franken dies and is processed through the Heavenly Admission Administration. Somewhere along the proceedings, he expresses his fear that maybe Glenn Beck will be admitted to Heaven too, being such a staunch Christian. Which would definitley ruin it for Franken so he'd rather go to Hell in that case. ""No worries mate,"" says the processing admin angel, ""Yer won't see the likes of that one 'ere, ey"". So Franken is all ""Kay, sure, cool"" and ge…

Melania Trump walks into a bar... and orders and Angel shot with lime.

The Walnut Joke - Two boys were walking home one day when they came upon this huge walnut tree. WALNUT JOKE - Two boys were walking home one day when they came upon this huge Walnut tree. One boy said, ""Lets gather all the walnuts and then we'll divide them between us."" So they gathered all the walnuts. They stuffed them down their shirts, down their pants, down their sox and even tied burlap bags to their ankles to put the walnuts in. Then they started walking home... When they came close to …

A man is trying to chop down some trees by the river. Unfortunately the axe slipped out of the man's hand and fell into the river. The man was so saddened by this. He literally couldn't move. That was the only way he could support his family. He didn't know what he could do, he can't even swim. Then suddenly a beautiful women emerges out of the river, holding a bronze axe. ""Don't be afraid I am angel of this river. Is this your axe?"" He replied ""No, my axe is made of iron."" She magically tur…

Went out for drinks with my tinder date... She ordered the angel shot with lime :(

Santa is stressed... Many years ago on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is preparing for his big day tomorrow but nothing is goin well. Half the reindeer are sick, the elves are behind on their work and Mrs Claus' mother-in-law just arrived for the week. But then an angel appeared at Santa's door with a Christmas tree just for him. Santa answered the door to find the angel in front of him. Smiling the angel said to Santa ""I found this tree to brighten up your Christmas, now where would you like me to…

Why did Santa start the Christmas tradition? Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone: Santa: ""Have you been naughty? ....That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ..... I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?.... Yes, I'd love to see how you trimmed your (fir) ... I just want to unload my (sack) when I see an angel on top. "" Now, every year he has to keep doing the bullshit lie…