Angel Jokes

A man dies and goes to Heaven... He is greeted at the pearly gates and sees billions of clocks. He asks the angel what they are for. The angel responds that they show how many times a person has lied. The man sees the Abraham Lincolns has moved only twice and the St. Mary's hasn't moved at all. Then, he asks where Obama's is. The angel responds "it's in Jesus's office. he's using it as a ceiling fan"

On the back of u/baldillin A young Rabbi is a very avid golfer. He even goes out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year to play some holes. On his last hole the wind carries the ball and he sinks an amazing hole in one. In Heaven an angel complains to God, this Rabbi is playing golf on Yom Kippur and you give him a hole in one as punishment!? Of course, God says, who can he tell?

Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers. One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list. He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!" Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door. Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!" I…

Christmas Angel When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,…

Two marble statues, one of a man and one of a woman, are in a park facing each other. An angel comes down and says "I've been watching you for years and I've seen the desire in your hearts. I'm going to make you fully human for 20 minutes so you can fulfil that desire. The statues look at each other, run behind some bushes and go at it. Ten minutes later they come back with big grins on their faces and the angel says "You still have another 10 minutes." The woman statue says "Really? Yaaaay, le…

So a blonde died and went to Heaven. God was at the gate and said to her, "Before entering, you will see 10 angels, and each one of them will tell you a joke. If you manage to not laugh at all, you may enter." The blonde walked up to the first angel, listened to the joke and did not laugh. She then went to the second and again did not laugh. This happened every time and she finally reached to the last angel. When the last angel was at the middle of the joke, the blonde started laughing REAL…

[Request] Horrible Puns One of my friends absolutely hates puns and cannot stand them. So of course I try to tell her at least one a day. I'm running out though, so could you help me out? I'll start: "What do you call an angel burning to death?" "A match made in heaven" EDIT: Good god you guys are good. Thanks for all the new material :D

Two men were talking about their wives The first man says "My wife is an angel." The second man says "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

The pope arrives in heaven... After decades of faithful service, the pope finally dies and ascends to heaven where he is greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. "Welcome! For living such a good life and serving God all these years, you're welcomed to heaven and may go anywhere and see anything your heart desires for all time!" Pleased, the pope timidly remarks, "I have one request if I may... I have always been facinated by the words of the prophets and holy men in our church, recorded i…

Three guys die in a car crash... At the pearly gates, the angel says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen. You were taken before your time. We can’t send you back, but we'll give you one last request. You can have your family and friends say anything you want at your funeral, and it will become true. What do you want it to be?” One guy says, “I want them to say that I was a very successful stockbroker with lots of cars and beautiful women.” The second guy says, “I want them to say that I was a beloved man …

An old Jewish man is on his deathbed... An old Jewish man is on his deathbed, and his family is gathered around him. He's too weak to lift his head or even open his eyes, but he can talk to his family. "Rachel, my beloved wife of fifty-seven years. The love of my life, my soulmate, the woman God created me to be with, are you here?" She replies "yes, my wonderful husband. I'm here, just like I swore I would be all those years ago at our wedding. I'm here." The old man smiles. "David, my eld…

Park Statues For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, fro…

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree? Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile…

A bus full of the worlds most ugly people drives off a cliff.. They all die in a horrible, fiery, explosion. They all go to heaven where they are greeted by an angel who grants all of them one wish to take with them into their next lives. The 1st ugly spirit steps forward and wishes to be beautiful. The Angel grants his wish and a man in the very back of the line bursts out in laughter. The 2nd steps forward and wishes to be even more beautiful than the previous spirit. The man in the back l…

How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree? So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time. So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement. "I am going to my study. I'm taking my boots off, having a cup of hot cider, and am going to read a good book. I want. to. finish. my. book." About 5 minutes later, he hears a knock on the …

Heavenly Justice Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove th…

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trained elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the f…

Why Santa got involved with Christmas Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone: Santa: “Have you been naughty? ….That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ….. I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?…. Yes, I’d love to see how you trimmed your (fir) … I just want to unload my (sack) when I see an angel on top. “ Now, every year he has to keep doing the bullshit lie he told.

My Christmas joke. One day Santa is walking through the forest when all of a sudden from out of the snow he sees a tiny Angel dragging a huge Christmas tree behind her. "Ho ho ho, what do we have here? " Asked Santa. The little Angel looks up and says "Oh. Thank goodness I found you! A family came to the forest and cut down this tree, but then they saw an even bigger tree and took that one instead just leaving this poor tree to die! So I pulled and pulled, dragging this tree through the snow …

What's the difference between an angel and a Scotsman? To one you say, "Hey you, get off my cloud!" The other: "Hey McLoed, get off my ewe!"

Two angels run out of weed... One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "fear not," he says and points at Jesus. "for he has resin."

So these two ladies die and are waiting in purgatory to hear the results of their life audit. A door opens and two men walk in. An angel walks in with an ugly, hunch backed gremlin of a man. The angel says "Nancy, in 1982 you killed a duck, your punishment will be to spend your eternal life with this man". He slaps the the shackles on each of their arms and are sent off for eternity. A little while later another angel walks in with a gorgeous hunky stud. He slaps the shackle on her and the han…

The 10 Commandments So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God. First he goes to the French and says: "I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?" "Ah, oui? What do zey say?" "For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery" "Oh, non, non, merci, non", and they send the Angel on his way. The Angel then goes to the Germans: "I have new Commandments from God." "Ja? Vat do they say?" "Well for example: Thou shalt not kill" …

An old man and his wife die... An old man and his wife die in an accident and go to heaven. There, an angel gives them a beautiful house by the beach and everything they want. All they have to do is stay in the vicinity and enjoy themselves. The old man turns to his wife and says: "You idiot! We could have come here 10 years ago, but noooo, you wanted to eat healthy"

An angel and a man An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting on his life, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom." "Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."