Pearly Gates Jokes

There was a huge earthquake at the Christian Brothers' Monastery, which was destroyed... All fifty brothers were killed and went to heaven at the same time. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, ""Let's go through the entry test as a group. First question, how many of you have played around with little boys?"" Forty-nine hands went up. ""Okay, right!"" said St Peter. ""You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory to atone for that before you can enter Heaven. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!""

Three men die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter welcomes them and says, ""Before you go in, I just need to mark down for my records how much money you made, and what you did as your profession while you were on Earth."" The first guy says, ""I made ten million dollars a year."" St. Peter says, ""Wow, that's very impressive! What did you do?"" The guy says, ""I was the head of a big finance firm that processed tons of money."" St. Peter writes this down, and tells the first man he …

A 50 year old woman dies and goes to heaven... Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter looks surprised and tries to find her name in the 'Death Book'. He doesn't find her name there and tells her, ' there must have been a mistake. You were not supposed to die, you still have 30 more years ahead of you. Since it was a mistake and it is unfair, I will send you back.' The woman wakes up and is really excited. She thinks that since she has 30 more years to live, why not get a facelift and feel …

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter explains that since Heaven is getting a bit crowded, he needs to make them take a final test before they can enter. ""If you can tell me something true about you, I let you in,"" says St. Peter. ""If you lie, you go to Hell."" The redhead, quite full of herself, goes first. ""I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."" ""That's not true,"" St. Peter says. ""Go straight to Hell."" The brunette, also p…

Zebra dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty. Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away." Zebra walks over to the pedestal and nervously steps on. The pedestal immediately illuminates with blinding light and a booming voice from above echoes, "WHAT TRUTH DOES THY SEEK MY CHILD?" Zebra looks up an…

Three friends die and go to heaven *Edited for spelling* [The names of the friends are interchangeable, try using your own friends' names for added humor] Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual speel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." The three friends think this is an odd rule, but they…

All Men Go to Heaven... ...and upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells the recently departed to form two lines: one for the 'man of the house'; and a second for those obedient and dutiful to their wives. The first line had only 1 man standing in it, while the second line was miles long. St. Peter turns to the one man standing in the first line and asks, "Man, how did you end up in this line?!" To which the man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Three friends die and go to heaven (Change the names in this if you want to) Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." The three friends think this is an odd rule, but they agree to it and step in. The second they enter they realize that the final ru…

Free heaven An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'It's free,' St. Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.' Ne…

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into heaven?" St. Peter says "Look I don't make the rules, you're not on the list, that means you go to hell." The engineer goes down to hell and introduces hims…

George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any good?" George replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"