Airplane Jokes

An American, A Canadian and a Boy scout are on a plane. The plane hits turbulence and is about to crash. the pilot comes out and says "The plane is going down. Everyone for himself!" grabs one of the remaining 3 parachutes and jumps out. The American says. "We're number 1 so i get to live" hastily grabs 1 of the 2 remaining chutes and jumps out. The Canadian looks at the boyscout and says "Im sorry things have to end this way... who gets the last parachute?" The boyscout replies "oh dont w…

A young blonde... ...pilot is in her first flying lesson in a 2 seater plane. Her instructor all of a sudden get a heart attack and dies. "May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My instructor pilot is dead and I don't know how to fly!" She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic control. We can hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground safely. I have had a lot of experiences with this kind of problems. Now just take a deep breathe. Ev…

A plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain, Josh Weinberg. It is the first time he has flown with his Chinese co-pilot Bo Weng and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. After this protracted silence has continued for a while, the Captain mutters, 'I don't like the Chinese.. .' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbour , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Per Hahbah. Th…

Finding a job is difficult... I started at the orange juice factory but couldn't concentrate, Being a tailor just didn't suit me, I couldn't cut it as a barber, I didn't have the foundations to be an architect, I just didn't have enough patients to be a doctor, I felt soleless in the shoe factory, I couldn't hack it as a lumberjack, I couldn't keep my eye on the job as an optician, Being an electrician was shocking, Sewage maintenance was just draining, I just wasn't taking off as a pilot, My s…

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are on a plane... Suddenly Mike Pence says "I can throw 100 dollars out of the plane and make 100 people happy". Donald says "I can throw 1000 dollars out of the plane and make 1000 people happy". The pilot over heard this and said, "I can throw both of you out of this plane and make the whole country happy."

You Don't Know Shit A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question fir…

An airplane was about to crash with 4 passengers on board. An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Russell Westbrook and I'm averaging a triple double. The Thunder and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't…

The propellor of a plane is actually a giant fan for the pilot When the fan stops, you can actually see the pilot start sweating

The trump family is flying from New York to DC Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?" So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?" EDIT: Thank you for the gol…

During WW2 a British pilot is captured by the Germans and sent to a POW camp. While there he developes an infection in his leg and the camp doctor tells him that they have to amputate. "I have a request," says the pilot, "could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land the next time your boys do a flyover?" "We can do that." says the doctor. He makes the arrangements and the ashes are delivered. The pilot gets another infection, this time in his arm. The do…

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man... Are on a plane and the pilot comes out and issues everyone a challange, "if you can guess where we are by sticking your hand out of the window ill give you 50 grand" the Scottish man quickly jumps up and sticks his hand out of the window "we are in Dundee" he guessed, the pilot shakes his head. Then the Irish man trys "we are in Dublin" he guesses, again the pilot shakes his head, then the English man steps up, "we are in Liverpool" he says, shocked…

How do you know? An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. “Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000…

A Genius, an Old Farmer, and a Boy Scout are on a plane... ...The pilot enters the cabin and says, "I'm terribly sorry. I've done everything I can, but the plane is falling and going to crash. Now, there are only 3 parachutes on this plane. I've got a wife at home with 2 young kids and another on the way, so I'm going to use one of them." He then picks up a parachute, puts it on, and jumps out of the plane. The Genius says, "I am the smartest person in the world. My death would be a huge loss …

As their plane took off, the pilot asked the co-pilot, “Have you ever flown solo?” Co-pilot: No, I usually fly much higher than this.

A buzzard walks up to the airline boarding gate carrying two roadkill possums. The gate agent says "Sorry, Sir. Only one carrion per passenger."

A large man is seated in an airplane A large man is seated in an airplane, stuck between the arm rests, wiggling around furiously and looking uncomfortable in his seat. The flight attendant notices and approaches him, “Do you need help sir?” “Yea, I need a screwdriver!” “Right away, sir.” The flight attendant walks to the galley, finds the toolbox, opens it, and takes a screwdriver out. She returns to aid the passenger, who stares at her oddly. “What’s wrong?” she asks. The passenger rep…

My luggage got damaged during flight I told my lawyer I want to sue the airline. He says, “You don’t have much of a case.” 🤷‍♂️

"So, officer, let me get this straight. You're telling me it's illegal to have 12 glasses of wine and fall asleep on a 5 hour flight? I wasn't rude or rowdy, I didn't yell at anyone. At least two of the passengers were more drunk than me and you didn't arrest them" Arresting officer: "Well sir, that may be so, but you were the pilot"

Sean Connery was Sean Connery was flying on a private jet when the two pilots came back and told him that they lost all control and the plane was going to crash. The first pilot jumped out and yelled, "God save me!", and landed on a pile of pillows. The second pilot jumped out and yelled, "God save me!", and landed on a haystack. Sean Connery jumped out and yelled, "God shave me!", and landed in a barbershop.

After 20 years as a gynacolgist my friend retrained as an airline pilot. Before every flight he meticously checks all the flaps.

I met a one-legged lady at the bar Out of curiosity,I asked her how she lost her leg. "Well, it's due to me being a great negotiator." Do tell. "You see, I had a business trip down to Brazil, and I was able to get a private pilot to fly me for a quarter of the cost of a commercial airline. Unfortunately, the plane malfunctioned and we crash landed in the Amazon." Ah, so you cheaped out and lost your leg in the crash. "No no, we were both perfectly fine. However, we landed in a territorial …

Guy goes to get a haircut [long] Barber says, “so what’s new?’ Guy: “I’m getting ready to go to Italy.” Barber: “Why the hell would you want to go there? It’s so overrated. Nasty place. What airline you flying?’ Guy: “Alitalia, out of JFK.’ Barber: “oh what a nightmare. I flew them once. Old rickety airplane, left late, got there later, lost my luggage. Just the pits. Where are you staying?’ Guy: “The Pensione Mascarpone in Rome.” Barber: “oh I know that place- what a dump. Rats running all ar…

A radio announcement on a plane shortly after the takeoff… “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard our aircraft. Today we’ll be flying at 35,000 feet with a maximum speed of 700 mph. The temperature outside the … OMG!!! WTF?!!! AHHH!!! That’s it!!!” There’s dead silence inside the cabin. After a minute goes by: “My apologies, ladies and gentlemen… one of our flight attendants accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee on me. You should see the front …

Two brothers go into an unemployment office. The first one sits down and is asked what skills he has. He says “pilot”. They tell him it will be no problem, they can get him a job right away. The other brother sits down and they ask the same thing. He says “woodcutter”. They tell him it’s not a very specialized skill but they will try to find him work. He says, you said you could get my brother a job right away. Well, he’s a pilot. So he says, well, if I don’t cut it, he can’t pile it!

The Fonz Henry Winkler was flying from London to New York and started to feel cold. He requested a blanket and pillow from the flight attendant. Upon returning with these items the flight attendant asked, “Would you like some headphones?” “I would love that!” he replied. “But it’s pronounced ‘Fonz’.”