Airplane Jokes

Three allied pilots are shot down over Nazi Germany... They're captured and forced to stand facing a wall, swaying back and forth saying "tick ... tock ... tick .... tock ..." until they can't take it any more. After the first hour, one pilot can't take it any more and tells them everything he knows. After another hour, the second pilot cracks and tells them everything he knows. At the end of the third hour the remaining pilot decides to do something rebellious and starts saying "tick ... tick.…

An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war... An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like. "So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two mo…

A polish man is forced to take the controls in of a small two-passenger plane [math joke] The pilot had just had a heart attack, they were running low on fuel. While he had flown decades ago during the war, he had no experience with the newer instruments and wasn't sure if he could land the plane. He grabs the radio and explains his situation to air traffic control. Several voices answer and begin shouting over each other, the man can't figure out what's going on. He interrupts them, "Please, …

"Hey, wanna play a game?" A blonde and a lawyer find themselves sitting next to each other on airplane. As take-off begins the lawyer already finds himself getting bored, and so he turns to the blonde and says "Hey, wanna play a game?" Slightly interested, the blonde turns back to him and says "What is it?" "Well, the way it works is that if I ask you a question and you don't know the answer to it you pay me 5 dollars. But if you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I'll pay YOU 5 dol…

A man is at the airport. The airline attendant asks the man, "Do you have any baggage?" He replies, "I haven't talked to my parents in 3 years, I have depression, and I'm still a virgin."

Obama, his wife and Oprah Obama, his wife, and Oprah were all flying to DC on a private jet. Obama goes "you know, I could throw a one-thousand dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy!" Then his wife said "well speaking of which, I could throw 10 hundred dollar bills out thewindow and make 10 people very happy." So Oprah goes "well, I could throw 100 10 dollar bills out and make 100 people very happy." The pilot rolled his eyes and looked at the co-pilot and said "They think …

An extremely close landing on an extremely short runway.. A plane is nearing its destination. The pilot turns to his co-pilot and remarks: "That looks like a really short runway." The co-pilot looks at it and says: "Yes, captain, its really short." 100 meters from the runway, the pilot communicates to the passengers and crew: "Fasten your seatbelts, this is going to be an extremely close landing!" The plane touches down on the ground, engages maximum breaks, and with schreaching tires comes to …

A vulture is boarding an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says, "I'm sorry sir, there is only one carrion allowed per passenger."

I set my phone to airplane mode I lost it two weeks ago and everyone has a different opinion on what happened to it

A Malaysian man buys a new phone... He puts it on airplane mode. Now he cant seem to find it anywhere.

WW2 A teacher asks a WW2 pilot to speak to her elementary school class. He tells the children a bit about the army and what day to day life was like. Then he begins to tell them about a dog fight he had been in. He gets very excited as he telling the story and says to the children, "There were Fokkers to the right and Fokkers to the left. There were Fokkers above me and Fokkers below me!" The teacher interrupts to say, "Children, the Fokker is a type of airplane." "Yeah," the pilot says, "exc…

Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker. "Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing... ...wasn't the captains fault, ...definitely wasn't my fault, ...it was the asphalt." The result: a perfect mix of laughs and groans.

Moose Hunt Two Moose hunters named Stosh and Thad hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose. The hunters objected, saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in …

There are 11 blondes... hanging on the wings of an airplane. 5 on one wing, and 6 on another, and due to this, theres an imbalance and the plane will crash. So they all decided that one of the blonde has to let go, so the wings are balanced. After a lot of discussion, one brave blonde decides that she'll sacrifice herself for the others. She lets go, and the rest of the 10 blondes start clapping, applauding her for her bravery....... Hope you guys like it, nd sorry if its a xpost.

The President, the First Lady, a boy scout and a pilot are on a plane. (Not sure if this one has been submitted already) Suddenly, a bird gets stuck in one of the engines, causing it to burst into flames. The pilot tells the passengers that the plane will crash, but there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The president grabs one and says, "I am the most important man in the country! The people need me!" and quickly jumps out of the plane. The first lady grabs another parachute and says, "H…

Two guys are in a helicopter. During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk. Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piece of paper, writes "WHERE ARE WE?" in huge letters on it, and holds it up for the officeworker to read. The officeworker grabs a sheet of paper off his desk, scribbles quickly…

Polish Hunters Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose. The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another …

A woman walks into a supermarket and sees the man she recently spent a night with. He is stacking boxes of washing up liquid in a display window. "You lying son of a bitch!" She yells. "You told me you were a stunt pilot!" "No." He replies. "I told you I was part of the ariel display team."

The Gay Flight Attendant A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told everyone that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the bigscary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic l…

Show and Tell with Grandpa Olie A boy has brought his Grandpa Olie into class, to tell about some of his experiences as a pilot in World War II. "Well," the old man begins, "I remember this one time, I was flying on patrol, when this one Fokker surprises me from behind!" A few of the kids in the class start to snicker at this, but Grandpa Olie continues his story. "Well, ya know, I was able to maneuver around right quick and I shot that Fokker down," (laughs from half the class now) "but flew…

Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane... Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, why don't you go ask that nice flight attendant, I'm sure she'll have an answer." So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs & b…

The Spaghetti Joke. Two men had a plane crash in the desert and survived. They had water, but no food. After a couple of days wandering in the desert they saw the remaining of another plane that was crashed a few days ago with a dead pilot. So one man says to the other "Let's open the dead pilot's stomach, perhaps what he ate is still there." The other agrees, they open the pilot's stomach and see the he had spaghetti. The second man starts eating hungrily, the first man refuses politely. "You…

The plane that's about to crash! As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

There are things worse than death A young, single, and very handsome test pilot is forced to eject from his jet. His parachute fails to open, and as he plummets to the ground he prays that somehow he will be saved. He hears voice say, I will save you, but in return you must make the next woman you see happy for the rest of your life. He says, anything, I'll do anything, just save me. Just then, a storm front comes in with unbelievably strong updrafts. The updrafts slow the pilot down to near…

Blonde vs. Lawyer A blonde sits next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him. After several minutes of arguing with her, he says you give me $5 for every question you cant answer and i'll give you $50 for every question i cant answer. The lawyer figured he couldnt lose and the blonde accepted. The lawyer proceeded to ask his first question, "What's the distance between the earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word, the …