Airplane Jokes

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking ""What trip?""

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock another dropped a brick and the last dropped a grenade. When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said ""A rock fell from the sky landed on my cat and now my cat is dead."" The men said they were very sorry to here that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was…

A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him t…

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited give a smile and a ""Thanks for flying XYZ airline."" He said that in light of his bad landing he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye thinking that someone would have a smart comment but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old …

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say ""Edna I'd like to ride in that there airplane."" And every year Edna would say ""I know Fred but that airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."" One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said ""Edna I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."" Edna replied ""Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dolla…

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage she made the remark ""I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London."" The confused agent said ""I'm sorry we can't do that."" ""Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!""

Pilot says: ""Folks we have reached our cruising altitude now so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.""

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix the Flight Attendant came on with ""Ladies and Gentlemen please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.""

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced ""Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!""

An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area. There are three doors marked 1 2 and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell but first the devil has to take care of something first and disappears. The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolv…

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: ""We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways.""

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: ""We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.""

How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp? Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.

After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane the passengers heard the soothing reassuring voice of the pilot: ""Ladies and gentlemen this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible absolutely impossible absolutely impossible ...""

An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight the pilot announced ""We have lost an engine but don't worry there are three left. However instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York."" A little later the pilot announced ""A second engine failed but we still have two left. However it will take 10 hours to get to New York."" Somewhat later the pilot again came on the intercom and announced ""A third engine had died. Never fear because the plane can fly …

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance acting like a hotdog flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air ""Anything you can do I can do better."" The veteran bomber pilot answered ""Try this hot-shot."" The B-52 continued its flight straight and level. Perplexed the hotdog asked ""So? What did you do?"" ""I just shut down two engines kid.""

A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: ""Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"" The co-pilot looked out the windshield. ""Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"" ""Well we better we're almost out of fuel."" So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between thei…

As migration approached two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. ""Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?"" she asked. ""No thanks"" replied the vultures. ""They're carrion.""

Tower: Hawk 20 is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ? Pilot: Negativ Sir. It's only the same pilot.

Tower: Shamu two-two please state estimated time of arrival. Pilot: Ok let's see... I think Tuesday would be nice...

Pilot: Tower please call me a fuel truck. Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

Pilot: ""Jones tower Cessna 12345 student pilot I am out of fuel."" Tower: ""Roger Cessna 12345 reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"" Pilot: ""Uh...tower I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.""

Tower: Cannot read you say again! Pilot: Again!

Pilot: Tower there's a runway light burning. Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights burning. Pilot: Sorry I mean it's smoking.

A military cargo plane flying over a populated area suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up but with all their cargo the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. ""Throw out more!"" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. ""More!"" he cries again. They heave out a missile and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into…