Airplane Jokes

An atheist and a little girl. *The folks at /r/atheism won't like this joke.* An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no …

I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do. Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians. Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!" One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!" You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"

A blonde goes to Paris A blonde was going on vacation to Paris and was going to fly there. She had ordered a seat in coach, but when the plane took off she went up and sat in first class. The flight attendant went up to her and told her - very politely - that she had to move back down to coach. The blonde looked at her and said: "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!" The stewardess quickly went away. Then another flight attendant came up and said that she had to move back dow…

All the forest animals are having a big car show.. ..shining their rims, getting ready to put their cars on display for the forest folk to see. The bunny is hopping along half drunk and stumbles into the clearing. "WHOAAHhh bear, that's a sweet lambo, how did you ever afford it?" "Well bunny, i'm not an alcoholic like you" replies the bear. The bunny takes another sip of his stashed mickey and hops with his face into the rims of a Ferrari. "Woaahh Fox, how on earth did you afford this!" T…

Polish Moose Hunt Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose. The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both. And he had exactly the same airplane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pi…

A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight. Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says "watch this"...... "Pilot to control tower......hey there Hillbilly, guess who!!" Control tower switches off the airport lights..... "Control tower to pilot....... Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!*"

An airplane is flying over the Atlantic when suddenly... One out of four engines explodes. The pilot says over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we lost one out of four engines. This is no cause for panic, as we still have three engines that work fine. However, instead of the two hour flight we planned, it will take us three hours. Thank you for your patience." All seems fine until an hour later, when another loud explosion sounds. The pilot once again comes over the intercom and says,…

During an airline flight The pilot comes over the PA and announces: "We seem to have some trouble with our engines, and we will crash soon unless some of the passengers immediately jump off the plane. To make it fair, we will decide who's going to jump according to alphabetical order. First, I would like to ask all the Afro-american passengers to get up and jump off the plane" No one gets up. The pilot continues: "OK, will all the Black passengers please get up and jump off the plane?" St…

Blonde Co-Pilot This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a l…

Joke of the Day! In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for…

4 men entered a plane... ...an Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and a Texan and were flying across the country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired an…

Kids jokes Q: What did the ocean say to the airplane? A: Nothing, it just waved. Q: Do old planes retire? A: No, they just get more turbulent. Q: Why did the young plane study so hard? A: He really wanted a higher education! Q: Did you hear the joke about the jet? A: It's over your head. Q: What do you call a flying policeman? A: A helicopper! Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner? A: A stamp! Q: What keeps jazz musicians on earth? A: Groovity! Q: Wh…

Pilot Choice As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, t…

A priest, an Army Man, and a Teacher A priest, an army man, and a teacher are all in a helicopter. The helicopter starts to go down, so the pilot says quick everybody through anything you have on you to lighten the chopper! So the teacher throws her apple, the priest throws his bible, and the army man throws his grenade. The helicopter lands safely, and the army man starts walking around when he sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl answers, …

A grandfather and his grandson are on a flight home when an engine blows... The pilot comes on the intercom "This is your captain speaking. We seem to have lost an engine and we are quickly losing altitude. So to reduce weight we will need to dump all the cargo and luggage." All the cargo and luggage gets dumped and the pilot comes on the intercom again "This is your captain speaking. We are still losing altitude so to save the majority a few must sacrifice their lives and be removed from the p…

My flight was being served My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Ar…

Wine Taster! At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine A-4 pilot drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable." "That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please…

Variation of the hot air balloon joke A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. Peopl…

Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway." Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. Dere's plenty of space for us to land." As they get closer, Sven sees that the runway is indeed very short, and he says, "Ole, I don't know bout dis,…

It was mealtime on an airplane... ...and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

How can you tell if there is a pilot in the room? He will tell you.

A nun, a priest and a politician... are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there's not enough for everybody. The nun says "we need to save the children!" The politician yells back "SCREW THE CHILDREN!" The priest looks at the politician and says "Do we have time?"

Make me feel like a woman. The captain of an airplane has just announced that the plane will run out of fuel and will be forced to make a crash landing. He asks everyone to call their loved ones now as things are looking bleak. As the passengers become more and more uneasy a lady jumps up, rips off her shirt, and screams "Someone make me feel like a woman one last time!" A male passenger jumps up, rips off his shirt, and hands it to her along with an iron.

Old couple at the carnival An elderly couple John, and Janice go to the carnvail where John spots a helicopter ride. He runs over and says to his wife "Janice I've always wanted to go on a helicopter ride and look its only ten dollars". Janice then says "John why would we pay money to go on a ride ten dollars is ten dollars". They end up not riding and finish up walking around the carnival until they go home. A year later when the carnival comes back they go again and John sees the helicop…

A blind man goes on vacation A blind man goes on vacation. He's never been to Texas, and decides to check it out. He books his plane tickets, heads to the airport, and gets on the plane. When he sits in his seat, he's amazed to discover that the seat is much bigger than any airplane seat he's ever sat in. "Wow, this seat is gigantic!" he says. "I can practically curl up and fit my whole body on this chair!" The woman next to him says, "Sure, everything's bigger in Texas, hun." The blind man …