Airplane Jokes

How does a Russian Aeroflot pilot navigate? By reading street signs.

They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa. It's called Genitalia.

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a ""tragedy"". One little boy stands up and offers ""If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy."" ""No"" Clinton says ""That would be an ACCIDENT."" A girl raises her hand. ""If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."" ""I'm afraid not"" …

When a plane caught fire over the jungle the pilot ejected and landed in a cannibal's pot. The cannibal turned to his friend and said 'What's this flier doing in my soup?'

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happene…

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city so upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone sobbing and…

As a crowded airliner is about to take off the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly from the rear of the plane an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand the white-haired courtly…

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked ""If our chute doesn't open and the reserve doesn't open how long do we have until we hit the ground?"" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered ""The rest of your life.""

On a flight with EasyJet back in 1997 the pilot made what can only be describes as an extremely heavy landing at Luton. It was very early in the morning and a number of passenger around me looked quite alarmed as apart from the noise a number of overhead lockers dropped open and several items of carry-on luggage were launched down the aisle. After slowing up the aircraft turned off the runway and turned towards the stand and over the PA came ""Good morning ladies gentlemen this is Captain Smith …

Little boy to airline pilot: ""You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting."" Pilot: ""Not if I do it right.""

What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner? A Captain a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said: ""Honey I've told you once I've told you twice I've told you niner thousand times negative on the affair ...""

""I've never flown before said the nervous old lady to the pilot. ""You will bring me down safely won't you? ""All I can say ma'am"" said the pilot ""is that I've never left anyone up there yet!""

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. ""Coming up on the right you can see the Meteor Crater which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300000 tons struck the earth at about 40000 miles an hour scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measu…

I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747. I said ""Hi Jack."" He shot me.

From the pilot during his welcome message: ""We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.

Tower: What's your heigth and position? Pilot: Well I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.

Tower: Mission triple-three do you have problems? Pilot: I think I have lost my compass. Tower: Judging the way you are flying you lost the whole instrument panel..

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York. Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway a…

An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation. ""It was late at night'"" says the pilot ""Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings."" ""I'm sorry"" says the auditor ""but you'll have to bear the cost yourself."" ""The cost of what?"" asks the pilot. ""Of the bearings you lost.""

An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat. Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on a flight attendant went to the original se…

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight it inevitably will be delayed. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. If you must work on your flight you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. If you are assigned a middle seat you can dete…

An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device' when a man remarked ""Hey! If the plane can't fly why should I believe the seat can float?""

An airplane was losing altitude over the Rocky Mountains. The pilot over the intercom said that the entire luggage needed to be thrown overboard if they were to survive. After all the luggage was thrown the plane was still going down so they asked for volunteers. A man from Paris went to the door and said ""Viva la France."" Next a preacher went to the door and said ""Lord forgive me for what I must do."" Finally a rich Texas cattle rancher said ""Well guess I got to do my part"" and he grabbed…

Michael Jackson Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela are in an airplane with 20 kids. The airplane gets a failure and is doomed to crash. The plane has only 20 parachutes. Nelson Mandela as a great humanitarian says that children should have them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts ""SCREW THE CHILDREN!!"" Michael Jackson's face lights up and he shouts ""YES YES!! But do we have enough time?""