Airplane Jokes

Worries While Flying Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine…

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, ""I'd like to ride in that airplane."" And every year his wife would say, ""I know, Johnny, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."" This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, ""I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance."" ""That airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."", replied hi…

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, ""Let's go!"" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. ""Fly over the north …

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who g…

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on…

You Know It's a No-Frills Airline If: 1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances. 2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out. 3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot. 4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back. 5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change. 6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. 7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. 8. When they…

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said ""WHERE AM I?"" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircra…

You've heard about the moron pilot who once made a tricky landing, haven't you?It was the shortest runway he'd ever seen. And the widest, too.

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 1. What do you put in…

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York, and as she gave the agent her luggage, she stated, ""I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."" The confused agent said, ""I'm sorry, we can't do that."" ""Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!""

On a Trans-Atlantic flight a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screamingshe stands up in the front of the plane. ""I'm too young to die!"" she wails. Then she yells ""Well if I'm going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a …

What kind of whale flies? Pilot whales!

A Jewish couple are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system the Captain announces: ""Ladies and Gentlemen I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on …

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. ""Do you always carry such heavy luggage?"" she sighed. ""No more"" the man said. ""Next time I'm riding in the bag and my partner can buy the ticket!""

Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? A: One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!

When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City Utah a woman told the man sitting beside her ""I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife."" That's true"" he replied ""as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives."" ""How disgusting""she said""you should be ashamed of yourself such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung."" With a slight grin he just said ""Y…

There was an old woman on a plane sitting next to the Pope. It was stormy outside and the plane was being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Death's door and said to her papal neighbour. 'Father surely you can do something about this...' To which the Pope replied 'Sorry lady I'm in sales not management.'

On the airplane on his way back to Rome the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said ""What's a four -letter word ending in ""unt"" which means ""woman""? The bishop said ""Did you try ""aunt""? The Pope said ""Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?""

For two solid hours the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. ""Oh I've done all the talking and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?""

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them stuck out his hand and i…

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. ""Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft'"" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon ""because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."" ""You've got it all wrong Major"" an Air Force sergeant replied. ""The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out …

There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention turn their heads from side to side and say ""Tick - Tock"" over and over. After about three hours the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew signing everything they put in front of him. An hour later the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do. The third pilot was fighting …

An airforce officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of attmittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two seabees harrassing a young girl at the bar so being a gentelman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and…

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot ? He flew 57 missions !