Airplane Jokes

Ugly Baby There's a woman flying on a plane with her baby. And one of the other passengers starts making fun of this woman's baby, going on and on about how ugly he is. Eventually, one of the flight attendants hears this. ""Shame on you, saying such nasty things as that"" she says to the rude passenger, before turning to the woman. ""Ma'm, on behalf of American Airlines I'd like to apologize for that unpleasantness. We will give you a complementary meal for your troubles, and I'll see if I can g…

A Canadian, and American and an Arab.... A Canadian an American and an Arab are on a plane. everyone is minding their own business when all of a sudden the pilot comes on PA and announces that the plane is too heavy and each person needs to drop one item from the plane to regain balance. The three look at each other, shrug and proceed to throwing things out the window. The canadian throws out a container of Poutine, the american throws out a gun and the Arab throws out a bomb. The pilot comes on…

Madonna is flying from New York to London . . . . . . and happens to be seated next to Oprah on the plane. They exchange pleasantries and settle in. Half way over the Atlantic ocean, the pilot comes on the PA and says, ""We just lost 3 engines. Prepare to go down in the ocean. Madonna grabs her carry-on and begins putting on diamond earrings, a diamond bracelet, and some diamond rings. ""What are you doing?"" Oprah asks. ""When the search team comes looking for us, their search light will hit my…

The Flamboyant Steward On an international flight preparing to land in New York, an obviously gay steward comes on the speaker and instructs the passengers, ""Okay ladies and gentlemen, please return your seats and tray tables to their upright positions because the pilot's gonna land the big scary plane real soon!"" Afterward, he walks through the first-class cabin for the routine check and sees one woman who still has her tray down. Politely, he asks, ""Ma'am, please put your tray up for landin…

If the Fresh Prince owned an airline, what would it be called? BelAir

A Supermodel, A Boy Scout, And The Smartest Man In The World A supermodel, a boy scout, and the smartest man in the world are on a plane together. There is an engine malfunction and the plane begins to plummet towards the Earth far below. Everybody (including the pilot), is able to bail except the three mentioned, as there are only two parachutes left between the three of them. They exchange in a heated debate over who should be able to take one of the parachutes. ""I should go."" says the model…

Datsun cogs There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, *chug chug chug* it breaks down. So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tractor and tow it back. He pulls apart his Datsun Ute and does all the fault finding and diagnostics you can imagine. He pulls apart the gearbox and finds a broken cog. So he calls up the Datsun…

What's the worst part about season 1 of Lost? The *pilot* episode.

So there is a First class only Indian Airline. Their motto is ""We will treat you passengers like Cattle""

A blind man goes on vacation. He's never been to Texas, and decides to check it out. He books his plane tickets, heads to the airport, and gets on the plane. When he sits in his seat, he's amazed to discover that the seat is much bigger than any airplane seat he's ever sat in. ""Wow, this seat is gigantic!"" he says. ""I can practically curl up and fit my whole body on this chair!"" The woman next to him says, ""Sure, everything's bigger in Texas, hun."" The blind man lands at Dallas/Ft. Worth a…

A large plane crashed... A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried…

Best Obama joke Ive heard in a while so Obama, Michelle Obama, and Oprah are in airforce one, Obama turns around and says ""I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window and make someone very happy"". Michelle Obama turns and says ""I could throw 10 $10,000 bills out the window and make 10 people really happy"". Oprah said ""Ill beat both of you, I can throw 100 $10,000 bills out the window and make 100 people really happy"". Then the pilot turns to them and says ""Yeah but i could crash this plan…

It was my first time riding a plane... I was so nervous, and it was showing I was very uncomfortable... A good-looking stewardess, approached me and asked if I was feeling okay, and If I needed anything. I said no, I was fine, it was my first time riding a plane and was just nervous. She smiled and said, ""Ah perhaps you should listen to some music"", then she walked away. So I took out my phone, and played A7x in full blast, which disturbed everyone around me, as I did not have any earphones. A…

Did you hear about the lady who walked backwards into an airplane propeller? Disassedher

The plane is falling! An American, a Mexican and a Chinese man are all sitting on a plane. The flight attendant says ""EMERGENCY! WE NEED TO DROP 200 POUNDS OFF THE PLANE OR WE WILL FALL"" Chinese man - ""Oh, I throw off rice, we have too much of this in our country!"" Mexican - ""No! I throw off cheese and beans, too much of these in our country!"" American - *The American shoves the Mexican off the plane* ""We have too much of these in our country!"" No, I am not racist, but if a joke is racis…

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a …

A man is flying on a plane Lady Flight attendant: hello, would you like some headphones? Man: yeah I would, but how did you know my name was phones?

The tale of two gnats So a gnat is on a vacation and he sees another gnat but he looked beat up with bruises all over his body. He walks over and asks him why he looks the way he does. ""Well,"" says the beat up gnat, ""My living conditions are terrible. I live in this biker's mustache, and if holding on while he's riding faster than everyone else, it's the bar brawls that'll nearly do you in. This is the first time I've gotten a chance to think about it and I need to move."" The other gnat pats…

It was announced today that General Electric bought the Italian airline, Alitalia The new company will be called GenItalia

A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight. Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says ""watch this""...... ""Pilot to control tower......hey there Hillbilly, guess who!!"" Control tower switches off the airport lights..... ""Control tower to pilot....... Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!*""

A vulture tries to get on an airplane with a raccoon under each wing. The pilot stops him saying, ""Sorry, you're only allowed one carry-on.""

There's this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he's been captured by the Germans.... the Krauts have him tied up and they're interrogating him. ""Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg!"" The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next bombing raid, so it can rest in peace. The Germans try again, furious at his determination: ""Tell us about your nation's seekret plans, or vee vill cut off yo…

The three businessman: Canadian, Mexican and American, are flying to the meeting... ... the pilot comes on the radio and tells the three passengers that they need to throw something that they don't need. Mexican goes first and throws out tacos. They ask him why he threw that out. He replies: ""we have a lot of them back home."" Canadian throws out hockey stick. They ask him why he threw that out. He replies: ""we have a lot of them back home."" American throws out the Mexican saying: ""we have a…

There's an overloaded Plane With an American, Brit, Australian, and a Mexican. The pilot tells everybody that they have to dump all of the cargo that they possibly can. They keep dumping out more and more until finally there's no more. The pilot says, ""I'm sorry but we're going to have to make some of you jump out."" The Brit says, ""I'll go first, for the Queen!"" and jumps out. Then the Australian says, ""I'll go, for Australia."" and jumps out. Then the American says, ""For America!"" and th…

Similar to the mile high club, Whats it called when you jack off in an airplane? It's still the mile high club, but its just the single aviator's division.