Airplane Jokes

An israeli an arab and an american are on a plane The pilot says the plane is too heavy, everyone will have to throw out the thing they need the least to rid the excess weight. The american goes first he throws out his cheeseburger and the arab asks : why did you throw that out? The american replies casually ""eh theres plenty more of that where I come from. Arab's turn *throws out a bomb* as the israeli asks why would you throw that, the arab replies ""well we got plenty of those we dont need i…

Lost Helicopter A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said ""WHERE AM I?"" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly respond…

Four guys on a plane with three parachutes break the fourth wall. Four guys were on an airplane when it started to crash. Then they discovered there were only three parachutes. The four guys were Bill Gates, Bill Nye, Neil Degrasse Tyson, and Ted Cruz. They argued over who got to use the three parachutes. Since the scientists and geeks knew this joke usually ends with the smartest guy in the world jumping out with an empty backpack, they decided to take Tyson's suggestion and throw Cruz out the …

Why was the pilot jealous of the chef? Because of his ground thyme.

How can you tell if a pilot is in the room?

Air Asia Accident - java reference So some remains of the Air Asia Airline were found in the Java sea. Guess the pilot didnt C#.

3 men in a plane, one with a knife, one with a gun and one with a bomb. The plane was about to crash so the pilot says we need to shed weight fast, you all need to chuck your luggage out. They comply. The plane stabilises and they land safely. The guy that chucked the knife out the plane returns home and sees his mother sobbing. When he asks why she said ""some madman chucked a knife from a plane and killed your father when he went to the toilet "". He remains silent. The man with the gun decide…

My phone keeps going missing Serves me right for leaving it on airplane mode

[punchline request] Some lungs, a liver and 3 surgeons are flying in an airplane [insert your own punchline here] I was talking to a pilot buddy, and I asked him who his passengers were today. He said: ""Some lungs, a liver & three surgeons."" I thought that sounded like the start of a good joke but couldn't think of a clever way of finishing it. Any suggestions?

In the 'Nam. (Rus. Trans.) The Vietnam war. A russian general is selling a vietnamese general some warplanes. ""See here,""- says the russian general:"" Push this blue button if you are losing a battle. Push this green button if you are really losing a battle. Push this red button only when you are really REALLY losing a battle."" ""Okay,""- says the vietnamese general:""We will take em."". A few days later a vietnamese pilot is flying on one of the new planes. Suddenly two american planes come …

Blonde Joke There's this blonde. She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat. The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets. She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; ""ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane"" The blonde replies ""I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"" So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the bl…

So I was on a plane when the pilot makes his announcement.. ""We will be arriving at our destination in 3 hours..."" But he forgot to turn off the microphone and says to his co-pilot ""Ahhh, I could really do with a BJ and a coffee right now!"". So a flight attendant runs to the front of the plane and as she ran past I then said ""HEY! Don't forget the coffee!""

Airplane Three guys are in an airplane. The first takes a bite out of an orange, and throws it out the window. The second takes a bite out an apple and throws it out the window. the third takes a bite out of a grenade and throws it out the window. A cop walks around town, when he finds three girls a redhead, a blonde, and a brunette. The redhead is crying. ""What's wrong""? asks the cop ""An orange fell from the sky and killed my cat!"" sobbed the girl. The Brunette is also crying ""What's wrong…

In a helicopter somewhere over Seattle There was a helicopter pilot lost over Seattle on a particularly cloudy day. He finally comes up next to an office building and holds up a sign to person in the window. The sign read ""WHERE AM I?"" The person in window responded with their own sign, which read ""IN A HELICOPTER"". The pilot immediately nodded, and flew straight back to airport. Once on the ground the pilot was asked how he knew where he was. His response was, ""I knew I was at the Microsof…

An airplane was about to crash with Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, an old man and a young boy... Unfortunately there were only 3 parachutes left for the 4 of them.   Barack Obama said ""I am the president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower!"" So he takes the 1st parachute, and jumps out of the plane.   Hillary Clinton, said ""I am the future first female President of the United States and I am…

Confidence An airline pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, ""is your date running late?"" ""No, he replies, I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."" The intrigued woman says, ""A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"" The pilot says, ""It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."" The lady says, ""What's …

What do you call a black man flying a plane A pilot, what're you racist?

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scottish man all board a plane to America.... As they leave the airport from Heathrow and fly to america the Englishman has a bright idea. He turns around and says to the other two of his friends, ""why don't we throw some money out of the plane for good luck"". Brilliant idea they both turn around and say. So the Englishman goes first. He throws a 50 pence coin out of the airplane as they fly over England. When they fly over Scotland the Scottish man thinks, ""we…

Don't Mess with Kids An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, ""Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."" The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, ""What would you want to talk about?"" ""Oh, I don't know,"" said the atheist. ""How about why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death?"" as he smiled smugly. ""OK,"" she said…

The Texan Massacre A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and said, ""Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from the top of mah head to the tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."" She didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, ""Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foo…

The smartest man in the world was on a plane along with a hippie and a priest. Suddenly, the pilot comes running back with a distressed look. ""The plane is going to crash, I've done all I can. There are three parachutes and since I am the pilot, I am taking one; you three will have to decide who gets the other two."" With that the pilot puts on the chute and jumps out the door. Without hesitation or discussion, the smartest man in the world grabs a chute for himself and puts it on. He declares …

an Englishman, an Irish man and a Scottish man are on a plane... they all have a tonne of stuff each and the pilot says that to land safely they need to lose 3 tonnes of cargo. the Englishman drops a tonne of roses and says ""i've got enough of those in my country"" the Irishman drops a tonne of bombs and says ""i've got enough of those in my country"" and the Scotchman drops a tonne of bagpipes and says ""i've got enough of those in my country"" when the Englishman gets home he finds his mother…

a very funny joke (might be offensive) a amarican a Hollander and a ????? [fill in for yourself](former member of a terror organisation) went on a airplain. after a while above a city the pilot said MADAY-MADAY we're gonna crash, we need to drop someting. the amarican said: i will drop down a bunch of fast-food, we have enough of it anyway after a while it happened again the pilot said MADAY-MADAY we're gonna crash, we need to drop someting else. the dutchman said, i will drop down some of our c…

Story of a dizzy blond !!!! This is a story of a poor dizzy blond flying in a seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She,frantic,calls out a May Day. ""May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and i dont know how to fly. Help me! Please Help me!"" She heards a voice over the radio saying: ""This is air traffic control and i have you loud and clear.i willtalk you through this and get you back on ground. i've had a lot of experience …

Selfless until the end. For Pontius Pilate's birthday, the Roman soldiers lined the street to his house with Jews nailed to crosses. Walking slowly, Pilate was admiring the gesture, when he spotted Jesus on the last cross... he was was muttering something. Pilot exclaimed ""fetch me a ladder! if the King of the Jews has something to say, I want to hear it!"" Reaching the top of the ladder, Pilate moves in close to hear Jesus in a dry, half-audible voice, singing ""Happy birthday to you...""