Airplane Jokes

Three kids are talking at school... The first one says: ""my dad is a formula one driver; he is super fast!"" The second one answers: ""Really? My dad is a pilot, and with his jet he is even faster than your dad!"" They both turn to the last kid. He puts down his cookie, and tells the others: ""My dad is so fast, his timetable says he finishes work at 6, but he's always home by 5"". The two other kids are amazed, and they ask where his dad works. ""He's a state employee"".

The Air plane Once upon a time, there were four people on an air plane. the pilot announces that the plane is going to crash. the four people on the plane are, the richest man in the world, a little boy, the smartest man in the world and the pope. the plane only has three parachutes, the richest man in the world stands up and says ""I'm the richest man in the world! I need to live."" he grabs a parachute and jumps out. the smartest man in the world says ""I'm the smartest man in the world! I nee…

Never Assume With his request approved, the Bulletin newspaper photographer quickly used his mobile phone and called the Townsville airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ""Let's go!"" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind, and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the…

Topical Jokes for 7/8 In the World Cup, Germany trounced Brazil 7-1, the worst defeat in Brazil's history. Now Germany will proceed to the finals, and the Brazilian team will enter the witness protection program. After a plane was grounded in Wyoming, the pilot bought pizza for all of the passengers. And for the passengers in first class, the pilot ordered steak and lobster.

What do you call a black pilot? You call him a pilot! you racist!

Three pilots are bragging about the size of their planes... Three pilots are bragging about the size of their planes. The British pilot says: ""Well, our planes so huge that they carry 3 football teams and 3000 fans!"" The American pilot says: ""Pff, OUR planes are so huge they can carry 5 baseball teams and 5000 fans!"" They look at the German pilot. He smiles. ""Well, I don't know the exact numbers, so let me tell you about my latest flight. I was at cruising altitude and I heard a weird noise…

Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane... Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, ""Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"" The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, ""I don't know sweetie, why don't you go ask that nice flight attendant, I'm sure she'll have an answer."" So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, ""If big dogs have …

3 women are on a plane A rich woman, a beautiful woman, and a black woman are on a plane when the pilot comes on the intercom and says ""the plane is going down, brace for impact. The three women, fearing this is it, each make their own preparations. The rich woman, puts on all her jewelry, when asked why she says ""I hear they look for the rich ones first. The beautiful woman begins to fix her hair and put on makeup, when asked why she says ""I hear they go for the pretty ones first."" The blac…

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane Naturally they start chatting; as clergy, they have a lot in common. After a while, the priest says to the rabbi, ""Look, I know you guys aren't supposed to eat any pork or bacon or whatever, but... have you really *never* even tasted it?"" And the rabbi admits that, well, he wasn't that religious in college, and had in fact indulged in a bacon cheeseburger or two. ""Well? Did you like it?"" the priest asks, and the rabbi admits …

Jaque' ""non numeru un"" flying ace! Come and I will tell you of a man named Jaque' ""mon numeru un flying ace"". He was the greatest ace pilot in all of France. He spoke of a woman he once wooed, saying: ""I took this woman to my quarters and placed her on my bed. I tore her blouse open exposing her beautiful breast. Then I poured white wine all over them and shoved my face into them. And she screamed."" ""Jaque'! Your a mad man!"" And he said. ""No! I am Jaque' mon numeru un flying ace and whe…

A helicopter There are two men in a helicopter, the gunner says to the pilot,""are you going to rotate clockwise?"" The pilot says,""yaw""

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Mexican and a Texan are all in a plane... The flight seems to be going fine, until the pilot comes over the loudspeaker and says ""Gentleman, we seem to be too heavy, and we're losing altitude quickly. We need someone to grab a parachute and jump out of the plane."" And so, the Englishman stands up and volunteers to jump out of the plane. He grabs his parachute, yells ""Long live the Queen!"" and jumps out of the plane. About an hour later, the pilot again comes ove…

A lawyer, a tax collector, a priest and a boyscout are on a plane. The pilot comes over the intercom and tells the passengers that the plane will soon crash. The pilot says that there are three parachutes available. The lawyer immediately reaches for the first chute bag he sees and jumps out of the plane. The tax collector is next putting a pack on and jumping out. Now that the boyscout and the priest are the only two left in the plane, the boyscout turns to the priest and says ""you can take th…

The pilot announces after a very bumpy landing Attention passengers we are sorry for the bumpy landing. It was not the pilots fault. It was not the flight attendants fault. It was not the planes fault. It was the asphalt.

Feel Like A Woman As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, ""If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."" She removes all her clothing and asks, ""Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, ""Here, iron this!"".

Tell your favorite fart joke growing up. More terrible the better. Three men jumped out of an airplane. The first one jumped and dropped a penny. When he landed, he found a boy crying, and asked him why he was crying. He of course said, a penny fell on his head. A second man jumped and dropped an apple. He found another kid crying, and he asked why. The boy said an apple hit him in the head. The third man jumped and dropped a grenade. He found a boy laughing his eyes out when he landed. He asked…

What do you call a black man flying an airplane? A pilot, you racist bastard.

What did the flight attendant say to get the attention of the plane full of Kim Basinger clones? ""Attention Basingers"" hahaha

Four passengers flying on a small plane audi, Chinese, Mexican and an American. While flying the plane began experiencing difficulties and the pilot determined the reason being a heavy load. So he suggested that every one gets rid of some unnecessary luggage by tossing it out the window, otherwise they will crash. The Saudi man had a barrel of oil, so he tossed it out telling the others that there are a lot of oil in his country so he didn't really need it and it could be replaced rather easily.…

Airplane Crash Survivor A reporter is interviewing a survivor of an airplane crash in the Andes Mountains: Reporter: I heard you had to do something awful Survivor: Yes, it's true, we had to eat airplane food to survive. Reporter: My god! Survivor: What else could we do, we had already eaten up the dead passengers!

There's an airplane flying from North America to South America... ... after a while over South America the captain makes an announcement: ""Dear passengers, in a few minutes we will experience some turbulences, please stay seated and wait for further information!"" Some minutes later the plane shakes and moves from right to left, up and down. The captain again: ""Ok, you felt the turbulences; we are too heavy to continue this flight and will have to lose weight immediately in order not to crash …

My friend Jerry was going to be a pilot... but that career never took off.

What do you call a pilot who tries to tell a joke but gets distracted and crashes his plane into a building? A comickaze

A joke about planes So, Jack and Jill were just married, both age 20, and go to this funfair, which offers a plane ride for 20. Jack: Please, can we go? I've always wanted to fly on a plane! Jill: I'm sorry Jack. 20, is 20 20 years later, they go to the same funfair, have fun on the rides, until they come across the plane. Jack: Please Jill! We're not that poor! Jill: Jack, face it, 20, is 20. And so when they go 15 years later, at the age of 55, Jack still want to go. Jack: Jill, I want to go o…

I want to make a series about the murder of an airline crew but I still have to shoot the pilot.