Airplane Jokes

As autumn approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the migration trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were each carrying two dead raccoons. ""Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?"" she asked. ""No, thanks,"" replied the vultures. ""We ... Read more...

Flight Attendant: ""Would you like some headphones?"" Me: ""How did you know my name is Phones?""

I took the airline to court over my missing luggage. I lost my case!

I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage. I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer. He said ""You don't have much of a case.""

I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can't find it...

If I was in that Malaysian airplane my wife would find it in 10 minutes..

I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they've been flying.

They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.

England are to have a new captain next week. His name is Roger Smith and he's the pilot for the flight home.

Life Pro Tip: Putting your phone in airplane mode will stop ads while you play.

Fighter plane escorts a passenger jet in to Manchester airport as the pilot reported a suspicious item on board. The United team bringing back a trophy this season.

Come one Southwest Airlines...either train your pilots how to navigate a plane well enough to land at the right airport or allow the pilot's wife to ride along so she can make sure he doesn't land a jumbo jet at a small county airport.

What did the pilot say when his plane wasn't flying? ""Aw man, that's a drag.""

How did the pilot like his hotdog? Plane.

Why was the actor detained by airport security? He said he was in town to shoot a pilot.

Why did the student study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education!

You're 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, ""I'm fine"" than when you are flying on an airplane.

You can't be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.

If God is your co-pilot - swap seats.

The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane. About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. ""Are you okay, sir?"" asked the stewardess ""Yes, I'm fine,"" said the man. Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. ""Are you sure …

Did you hear about the pilot who went on sick leave? He had the flew.

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that would be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new M-1 Battle Tank, a pair of twin well built, neatly kept brothers who looked like they had just stepped off an Army Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stu…

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war. ""In 1942,"" he says, ""the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, "" he continues, ""one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that t…

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the …