Airplane Jokes

Tower: Lufthansa 893 you're number one check for workers on the taxiway. Pilot: Roger ..... We've checked they're all working.

A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked ""How long does it take to fly to Boston?"" The clerk said ""Just a minute..."" ""Thank you"" the man said and hung up.

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies ""I'm blonde I'm smart I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."" The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats ""I'm blonde I'm smart I have a good job and I'm staying in first class …

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes but as the earth rapidly approaches he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face he's dropping like a rock and at 5000 feet another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation the man with the chute looks up and yells ""Hey do you know anything a…

An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. ""All set back here Captain"" came the reply ""except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.""

""This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35000 feet midway across the Atlantic. ""If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. ""If you look out of the windows on the port side you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. ""If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean …

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner. ""What are my choices?"" he asked. ""Yes or No"" she replied.

How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb? None it is done by the automatic pilot.

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes SIR!

Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flight crews: ""Good morning. As we leave Dallas it`s warm the sun is shining and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte where it`s dark windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I can`t imagine."" ""As we prepare for takeoff please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."" ""Your seat cushions can be used for f…

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime and instead of making any official requests to the tower he said ""Guess who?"" The controller switched the field lights off and replied ""Guess where!""

A pilot Michael Jordon Bill Gates the Pope and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. ""There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us"" he announced. ""Since I'm the pilot I get one!"" After saying this the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. ""I'm the world's gr…

An Englishman Frenchman Mexican and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says "" We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump at least one of you can survive"" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers ""God Save The Queen"" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers ""Viva La France"" and he al…

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded ""Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So how are you getting there?"" ""We're taking TWA"" was the reply. ""We got a great rate!"" ""TWA?"" exclaimed the barber. ""That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome?"" ""We'll be at t…

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said ""The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."" They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the…

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. ""It will be waiting for you at the airport!"" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small rural airport sure enough a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled ""Let's go! Let's go!"" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they we…

A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new airplane in the living room. She heard her son said ""All of you sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the plane cause we're going to take-off now."" The mother went in and told her son ""We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to s…

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the captain made an announcement over the intercom ""Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293 non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"" Silence Then the captain came back on the intercom and said: ""Ladies and Gentlemen I an so sorry if I scared you earlier but while…

Taxiing down the tarmac the jetliner abruptly stopped turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant ""What was the problem?"" ""The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine"" explained the flight attendant ""and it took us a while to find a new pilot.""

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Italian were in an airplane It had engine trouble. So, they all got on their parachutes and jumped. The Irishman was first out of the plane, counted to ten, and pulled the rip cord. Second out, the Italian did the same. So, did the Scotsman, but his chute did not open, and he plummeted down with ever increasing speed. He passed the Italian, who crossed himself. Then he shot passed the Irishman. The Irishman TOOK OFF HIS CHUTE, and started to plummet after the Scot…

Pilot to co-pilot The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!' 'No, no', the co…

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle... A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large …

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign…

We're not African Americans today On a transcontinental flight, the plane started to go down. The flight attendant gets on the intercom and announces that there is too much weight on the plane. She says "we will be throwing people off the plane in alphabetical order according to race". The black family looks over at the mexican family and the white family next to them and starts to sweat. The black child looks up at his father and says "daddy, aren't we black and African American?". The fat…

As airplanes about to crash... As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".