Airplane Jokes

Probability theory Probability theory is probably the least understood area by the general population (except for certain gamblers). As a simple example, consider the History Professor friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on an airplane?" I res…

Never Mess with Kids A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane. The man turned to him and said, “Let’s talk”. Kid: Ok, what do we talk about ? Man (making fun of d kid): How about nuclear power? Kid: Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question… Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty & horse clumps. Why? Man: I don’t know. Child: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don’t know shit.. ?

3 women on a plane (originally an arabic joke) A lebanese, an Egyptian, and a Somali are on a plane. The pilot announces that the plane is crashing into the ocean. The Lebanese woman starts quickly putting on make up. The other two ask her why and she says:"the rescue team would likely save the prettiest girl first." The Egyptian then starts putting on a lot of jewelry. They ask her why and she says: "so the rescue team will see some thing shiny from a distance and go towards it. This way I…

Let's discuss nuclear power A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question fi…

So there's a plane that's half criminals and half master tradesmen... The plane is half full of criminals and half full of master craftsmen. The pilot comes on over the PA and says "Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is overloaded, we need to bump half of you to another flight." After deliberating with the mechanics and copilot for a while, the pilot comes back of the intercom and says "We've decided to bump all the master craftsmen from this flight to the next, please grab your carry-ons and he…

The first rule of flight club is.. ..turn the airplane on. & you should probably learn how to read.

A Mississippi Girl is flying on an airplane for the first time when... ...a smartly-dressed older woman sits down and arranges herself in the seat next to the girl. "So, where y'all from?" the girl asks cheerfully. The woman slowly takes out a handkerchief, dabs at her forehead and the corners of her mouth, and clears her throat before answering... "Well... **I'M** from a place where we don't end our sentences with prepositions...!" The girl slips a peanut into her mouth and nibbles on it…

The haircut A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in …

Feel like a woman On a flight to Japan, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've …

The blue gorilla. (Shaggy dog joke) The Blue Gorilla. (Warning, very long) there was once a great photographer, who prided himself on taking a picture of every animal on earth, from the most common bug, to the rarest fish . Well one day, at a big party celebrating the Photographer’s 1,000,000th picture, an old man approached the photographer. “So” he said, “You’ve photographed every animal on earth have you?” “Yep” he said “Every one”. the old man looked at him with doubt. “How about the Purp…

Fred and Mary got married Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and …

Lazy vultures Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each gr…

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying in first class until we reach New York." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying in first class until we reach New York." The head …

A Japanese man, an American, an Englishman, and a Mexican are in a plane. The plane's about to crash. The pilot says over the intercom "The plane is about to crash, but if we jettison the cargo, we may be able to get back up." The cargo is jettisoned, but there is no significant effect. The pilot then says "The plane can only support one man other than me and the copilot, so the three of you must make a sacrifice. May God have mercy on your souls." The Japanese man decides to jump out first …

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2 Newfies are landing a airplane 2 Newfies are landing an airplane. The pilot says to the co-pilot, "That runway looks pretty short, better give me half flaps". "Roger" says the co-pilot. The pilot says, "That runway is really short, better give me 3/4 flaps." After a second, the pilot screams, "The runway is REALLY short, give me full flaps and brake hard as soon as we touch down!". The plane lands and come to a screeching halt immediately. The co-pilot says, "Wow, that runway was really…

Two pilots A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!" "No, no", the co-pilot protests, "…

NASA CHICKEN CANON NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl. British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers. When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smit…

4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion..... One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became. No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari. No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet. No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle. No …

Found this gem on /r/statistics A statistic professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation. "I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!" "Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had neve…

What an answer A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: Hi, wh…

A blonde, a priest, a pilot and a student on a crashing plane A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane. There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out. He grabs a parachute and says, "I'm a pilot! People need me to fly planes!" and then jumps out. The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, "My hair won't look pretty if I'm dead!" and then jumps out. The priest then says to the hig…

Literary position. Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat. "Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?" "You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat." "Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats." "How do you figure that?" "Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, 'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and …

Single airline stewardesses are very lucky... for their convenience all men are already sorted into different classes.