Airplane Jokes

On the first day of pilot training, I panicked and asked the instructor, “Wow! What are all these buttons for?” Instructor: Those are to keep your shirt closed.

Helicopter ride… A couple are visiting a county fair, and see a guy offering helicopter rides for $50. The wife asks her husband if they can go for a ride, but he says “Money is pretty tight, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks, we just can’t afford it.” The next year the guy is back, offering rides for $50 again. Once again the wife pleads with him to take a ride, and again he replies “fifty bucks is fifty bucks.” The pilot overhears the couple arguing over money and says “I’ll take you for a ri…

The Archbishop of Canterbury was visiting New York Before he went, he was warned about predatory American newsmen, who would stop at nothing to score a juicy quote for the papers. As he was walking down the steps from the airplane, a horde of flashbulbs popped and a newpaperman yelled "Say, Archbishop, will ya be visitin' any strip clubs while you're over here?". The Archbishop smiled benignly and said "Are there really such establishments in this city?" Next morning his picture was on the fr…

Weather didn’t look great So I asked Siri: “Siri, surely it isn’t going to rain today” Siri replied “It is and don’t’ call me Shirley” I realised I had left my phone in airplane mode.

The pilot, over the intercom, says, “Were all gonna die! The passengers all freak out. The pilot says, “All of us will one day, no one knows when.” The passengers breathe a collective sigh of relief. The pilot says, “But it’ll probably be when we hit this mountain!!!”

Saw Henry Winkler on an airplane the other day The flight attendant asked him, "Would you like some headphones?" He replied, "Of course I would... but it's pronounced *Fonz*. " (Edit: you have to be pretty old to get this joke. Not sure when *Happy Days* went off the air, but it was a while ago.)

Two Irish pilots were attempting to land their jet... but the runway was the shortest they had ever landed on! Paddy, the chief pilot, slammed on the brakes the minute they hit the runway. The plane skidded, the brakes squealed, and the two pilots fought desperately with the controls until the jet finally came to a stop just before the end of the runway. "Jaysus Seamus" said Paddy to his copilot. "That was close! They really need to make this runway longer, we nearly went off the end!" "Y…

Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer are on a plane... Sunak looked at Starmer, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw £1,000 out of the window right now and make somebody happy." Starmer shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I could throw twenty £50 notes out of the window and make twenty people happy" Hearing their exchange, the pilot said to his co-pilot, "I could throw both of them out of the window and make 64 million people very, very happy!"

What did the investigator ask the pilot candidate who cheated on his exam? Do you copy?

There’s a new airline that specializes in cheap, short trips across state borders to buy marijuana It’s flying on a budjet

Recently, I was flying into Barcelona from London, and as we were descending to land we passed through some very dark clouds. The plane began to be buffeted by turbulence like I’ve never experienced before in my life. Suddenly, a blinding light exploded outside and an explosion of noise enveloped us. Lighting had struck the plane! The cabin erupted in screams and cries as the plane dropped hundreds of feet in a single moment, but the worse was yet to come. The strike seemed to have impacted th…

On a domestic flight, a hyper kid was running up and down the aisle, driving everyone nuts. Right as the flight attendant began serving coffee, he collided with her, sending her coffee flying onto the floor. As he watched her mop up the spill, she looked up at him and said, "Why don't you play outside?

One day, 50 politicians were flying across the country in an airplane when the plane started to experience mechanical problems. The plane crashed in a remote rural area. It took an hour for the first police car to arrive at the scene. There was an old farmer was sitting on his tractor beside the wreckage. The police man got out of his car and looked inside the smashed fuselage. To his surprise, it was completely empty. He asked the farmer, "Where are all of the politicians who were on…

Pope and crossword puzzle The Pope is on an airplane doing a crossword puzzle. He asks his assistant what is a four letter word meaning woman that ends unt. His assistant replies that would be aunt your holiness. The Pope asks if he has an eraser.

A plane is about to plummet due to mechanical failure. The pilot tells the crew and passengers: "I don't think I can recover the ship, you have a few seconds to talk to your family or make your last wish", then a woman stands up and shouts "Is there someone man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time?!", upon hearing that a man jumps out of his seat and like an animal tears off his shirt, then says: "Here, iron this!"

Times were tough. We lived in the bush when I was growing up, my dad was a float plane pilot shuttling loggers around - he'd bought a piece of land close to where he worked. In the winter time, the lake we were on froze and we were on our own unless we wanted to skidoo 6 hours to the nearest town. My dad, also a hunter, was keen on keeping his family fed - so he'd often use the guise of our remoteness to to maybe, bend the laws a smidge to provide some nourishment. Early one spring, he was o…

Here is a joke that made my 7 year old twins laugh like hyenas. On a flight, the passengers suddenly hear: “Here is your pilot. Today is my 10.000th flight. I would like to do something special. Would you like to experience a loop? Then applaud.” The excited passengers applaud. The pilot says, “ok, fasten your seatbelts”, and a few moments later he does a perfectly executed loop. Everyone is laughing and applauding. “Would you like to experience a corkscrew roll?” More applause …

I invented an incredibly energy-efficient airplane that runs only on four AA batteries. Unfortunately, it never really took off.

I was on a plane with my dad when the pilot announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are 30,000 feet up in the air.” Dad: I think he’s lying. There’s no way there are 15,000 people on this flight.

A man on a plane is terrified to find the Grim Reaper seated next to him "Relax," the Grim Reaper says to him. "I'm not here for you. It's the pilot I'm here for." Credit: inspired by a webcomic I saw a while ago.

Helicopter Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.” Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “W…

A group of Boeing employees are sitting on a plane getting ready for takeoff. The pilot comes on over the intercom and says "Folks, we're pleased to have you flying with us on our brand new 737, fresh from our good friends at Boeing!" Immediately, the Boeing employees all scramble to get out of their seats and off the plane as quickly as possible. It's utter pandemonium in the aisles as everyone starts to panic. Everyone, that is, except for one old man, who remains sitting in his seat, quiet …

Did you hear the one about the decommissioned airplane? I'm not surprised. Pretty sure it wouldn't fly today

Cowboys Are Smart An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly. “Okay,” he said. …

Thibodeaux and Boudreaux decide that they want to go hunting in Alaska. So they catch a flight up there, then hire a bush pilot to bring them out in the wilderness. Boudreaux shoots him a big ole moose and they drag that thing back to the plane. The pilot takes one look at it and says that the moose is too heavy for the plane. Boudreaux says, "I shot it, I ain't leaving it here." The pilot reiterates that the moose is too heavy. So Boudreaux starts to arguing and cussing. Boudreaux says, "Well…