Airplane Jokes

The sugar cane season is over and Thibodeaux and Boudreaux are out of jobs. So they go to the unemployment office. Boudreaux goes first. The lady behind the desk asks him what skills he has so Boudreaux says, "I pilot." The lady says, "Wonderful. We have lots of openings for pilots. That skillset is in high demand. We can get you a job that pays well." She hands him some paperwork and sends him to an empty desk to fill it out, then calls Thibodeaux over. "What skills do you have?" "I cut suga…

The propeller on a single-engine plane is really just a big fan to cool off the pilot. When the propellor stops, you can see the pilot really start to sweat.

Santa's Check Ride Santa needed to renew his FAA pilot's certification, so he headed to a local flight school to take the exam. Part of the exam included a check ride with an FAA examiner. As Santa and the examiner headed to the sleigh, the examiner stopped and picked up a shotgun. "What's the shotgun for?" asked Santa. "Well," said the examiner after a short pause. "You're not supposed to know this, but for this exam, you're going to lose two engines on take-off."

The pilot and copilot are coming into LAX and they are nervous. Sweat pouring off their brows, they bring the 737 down quickly. As soon as the wheels touch they throw the engines into reverse, stand on the brakes as hard as they can and cry "Stop! Please stop!" The plane stops an inch from the end of the runway. The pilot says "That was the shortest runway I ever saw! And the copilot says "Yeah, but look how WIDE it is!"

What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWWW

A man went skydiving... A man went skydiving for the first time. The pilot went to find the man’s wife. “I’ve got some bad news, some good news, some even worse news and some better news.” “Oh, my gosh...what happened?” “Your husband fell out of the plane. The good news is that he had a parachute on. The worse news is that the parachute didn’t open.” The wife had nearly fainted from shock. “The better news is that we hadn’t taken off yet.” <Probably not original, just hope it isn't too recent…

As the plane took off, the pilot turned to the co-pilot and said, “Have you ever flown solo?” Co-pilot: No. Typically I fly much higher than this.

A joke for world war 2 enthusiasts A British World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fockers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him…

An airplane's propeller is just a big fan, and its purpose is to keep the pilot's cool. Need proof? Watch how much they "sweat" when it stops spinning!

Plane Nonsense A flight attendant briefs the passengers: &#x200B; >There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatory. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight … hold on, let me check what it is … Oh, here it is; the movie tonight is “Gone…

Im not a doctor, but.... A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors, and suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but…”

Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. **Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.** Following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories. There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled milk, stuff like that. Next kid up gives this presentation: “My daddy told a story about my Grampa. He w…

Two Brothers Move to the City There were two brothers who lived in the country. One day they decided they wanted to move to the big city and get jobs there. When they got there they went to the employment office to ask for jobs. The first brother went in for an interview and less than 10 minutes later he comes out of the office jumping for joy yelling "hoo wee! I got a job!" The second brother was so happy and excited for what he would get. He enters the office and the interviewer asks him …

At a girls' boarding school, a WW2 flying ace has been invited to give the Prize Day address "I was flying along in my Spitfire, and visibility was poor, but all of a sudden the fog lifted, and I saw these fokkers coming up behind me. I dived on them and shot two of the fokkers down, then did a quick roll, but there was a little fokker right on my tail, and I had to ..." At this point, the Headmistress intervenes. "Girls, Fokker was a manufacturer of aircraft, used by the Luftwaffe." "Very t…

A Communist, A Monarchist and a Trumpist are on a plane On a flight somewhere over the Pacific ocean, the pilot declares that the plane is overloaded, and that three people must sacrifice themselves and jump off, else the plane will crash and everyone on board will die. The communist steps up and says, "For bread and freedom! For wealth and prosperity! For all that is worth dying for!" grabs a parachute, and jumps off the plane. The nationalist steps up and says, "For king and co…

[Long] An old joke but a good one: Four people are on a plane: the pope, the president of the United States, the prime minister of the UK and a schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and the pilot informs them that there is only three parachutes available. The prime minister says: “I need a parachute, I’ve got to keep running the government!” So he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The president says: “I need a parachute, I’ve got to keep running the country!” So he grabs a pa…

Inflight crisis A 747 was on a transatlantic flight. Over the middle of the ocean the lose an engine. The pilot over the PA says don’t worry folks we can fly in 3 engines. About 5 minutes later they lose another engine. The pilot says don’t worry we have jettisoned all the luggage and with the weight reduction we can make land. Soon a third engine conks out. They throw out anything they can. The pilot says we have gotten rid of all the excess eight and we can make land if we reduce another 600…

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. "Rear toilet?" He suggests. "Five minutes". She agrees and goes off. He waits for five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. "Right, get that condom on", she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure. But a sharp-eyed stewardess noticed th…

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left. "Katie, do you have a story to share?" ''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom." "OK, let's hear it," said the teacher. "My mom was a Marine pilot in Iraq and her plane got hit." "She had to bail out over enemy territory and all sh…

Smartest president ever A plane with 4 people on board suffers an engine failure. There are only three parachutes. The pilot stands up and says: „I’m Brad Pitt, my kids needs me, my fans needs me, I have to survive.“ he takes one of the parachutes and jumps out of the plane. The first passenger stands up and says: „I’m Donald Trump, I was the smartest president the US ever had and I’ll become the next president. My country needs me.“ He takes the second parachute and jumps out of the plane too.…

Blonde There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the…

2023 is a bad year to be a hot air balloon pilot without a radio. credit to iBeej for this one!

The Barber (long) A man was getting a haircut prior to taking a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would you want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty — and full of Italians! You’re crazy to go to Rome! “So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!" “United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. “So, where are you…

A frantic blonde calls out a May Day The frantic young blonde calls out a May Day. "My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly." She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Everything will be fine! What is your height and position?" The blonde says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." (After a long pause) "O.K." says the voice on the radio... …

Pilot A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrang…