Airplane Jokes

Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” “United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?” “We’ll be at…

A young boy, a doctor, and an old man were on an airplane with Putin. Suddenly, the pilot runs in and cries, "The plane is going down and we only have 4 parachutes but 5 people," as he runs to the back. The pilot then takes a parachute and jumps out of the aircraft. Immediately, Putin grabs the nearest parachute, says, "I have a war I must win," and hops off the plane. The doctor then said, “I save lives every day and the world needs me,” He proceeds to take a parachute and jumps out. The…

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose. The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handl…

scared of flying A friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on an airplane?" I responded that (as long as these were independent events) it would be the square of the probability of having one bomb, which is 1 in a trillion - a truly astronomical n…

A vulture walked into an airplane, dragging some mangled roadkill in its beak. The stewardess looks down in distaste, and asks “Wouldn’t you prefer to put that in the checked luggage compartment?” And the vulture said “No thanks. It’s carrion.”

An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane He turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly. “Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesti…

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot, you racist b\*stard!

Know Your Stuff An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly. “Okay,” he said. “Thos…

The trip to Rome A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, \- “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” \- “We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” \- “United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you st…

A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.” The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, …

Was on a plane having a snooze and the guy in the seat next to me RUDELY wakes me up and says "We're about to land, I think you're supposed to put the window shutter back up" That's the last time I agree to having him as my co-pilot.

On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement... "Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To fix the situation, we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody who is willing to give up their meal". Two hours before landing, another announcement was made. "There are still 80 meals available if anybody is hungry".

A banker, a blacksmith, and a demolitions expert are all on a small plane. The engine on the plane starts to fail and the pilot says to the three passengers on board “Throw your least important belongings over the plane so that we can lighten the load on the engine” The banker decides that his pennies weigh the most and have the least value so he throws all of them off of the plane. The blacksmith has a few swords that aren’t worth much so he throws them off of the plane. The demolitions exp…

What did the football player say to the flight attendant? Put me in coach.

Area 51 Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally c…

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said. "A reminder? What is it?" I asked. "It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied. Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

A blonde gets on a plane A blonde woman gets on a plane headed to New York City. As she boards the plane the flight attendant points to her seat near the back of the plane. As she is boarding though she thinks to herself, “I’m awesome and I deserve to be in first class”. So she takes one of the seats up front. The flight attendant sees this and goes up to the woman and says, “Excuse me miss but your seat is back there, you can’t sit here as you did not pay for it.” The blonde responds, “But…

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon… ... so they go back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together. In the morning, Fred's little brother Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are…

So there's this football team that needs to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats. Unfortunately the airline overbooked first class and one of the player's has to give up their seat. The team captain steps up and says, "put me in coach."

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down. The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math. The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane. The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his de…

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long) It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea. A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. …

Useless There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alo…

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

Once there were 3 people in an airplane. One took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane.

Speak English A Lufthansa airliner is parked at the gate at Munich airport. Its pilot requests something from the tower in German.