Airplane Jokes

Pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take off....... "Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is....." Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers: "Oh my God. OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt....Its burning" A ghostly Silence reigned! He gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers: "I sincerely apologise for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap...you should see my pants." One…

Priest does a crossword puzzle A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle. Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?" The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'" The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"

A photographer gets a call from his boss "Look, son, there's a forest fire a couple hundred miles north of you. I need you to get on a plane 5 minutes ago and photograph the hell out of that forest. There's huge money in this." The photographer grabs all of his equipment and rushes to the airport. He gets on a private jet and says to the pilot, "Just fly!!" "But--" "Just go", yells the photographer. After a very difficult takeoff the pilot asks, "Why do you have all of those cameras?" "I'…

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

This joke works better told than read. There are 15 boxes in an airplane. One falls out. How many are left? 14. ***** How do you put an elephant inside a refrigerator in 3 steps? 1. open the door 2. put the elephant in 3. close the door ***** How do you put a giraffe inside a refrigerator in 4 steps? 1. open the door 2. remove the elephant 3. put in the giraffe 4. close the door ***** An animal party is being thrown at Lilly the Lion's house. Every animal was …

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the …

Sat next to a baby on an airplane Sat next to a baby on an airplane. Ten hour flight. I had no idea it was even possible to cry for ten hours straight. Baby was also surprised that I pulled it off.

Hunting overload! Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk, But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind." One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It wa…

A pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off... "Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is....." Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S BURNING!!!" A ghostly silence reigned. He gets back on the microphone and says, "I sincerely apologize for the incident, but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap.. you should see my pants!" One passenger shouts back, "WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE AND SE…

A plane runs out of gas mid flight... While flying over the mountains, a pilot realizes his plane doesn't have enough gas to make it to the nearest airport. The copilot goes to check on the parachutes, while the pilot explains the situation to the passengers- Abraham Lincoln, Bono, George bush and a little boy and girl. The copilot comes back and informs them that there are only 6 parachutes. The pilot says "I helped fly the plane, so I should get one." The pilot jumps out with a parachute. The…

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane... A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The Priest nodded in understanding an…

An airplane is going down... ... so the pilot gets on the intercom and says "we have too much weight, we are going to have to throw off everybody's luggage." But, afterwards they are still going down... So, the pilot says "Alright, I'm sorry to inform you that we are going to have to start throwing people off of the plane, we'll go in A, B, C order..." "Africans, any Africans?" Nobody stands up. "Okay, black people, any black people?" Nobody stands up. "Colored people, any colored?" Still …

Pierre the fighter pilot Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me". So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie. "Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!" His answer is good enough for M…

A billionaire decides to build a palace A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billionaire sends out his invitations. A few weeks later he sees Jefferson Airplane, The Beetles, Jimmy Hendrix and a hoard of 60’s luminaries standing in the grass…

I just asked Siri "Surely it's not going to rain today?". Siri replied "It is, and don't call me Shirley." I forgot to take my phone off airplane mode

A vulture carrying two dead squirrels lines up to board a plane And the flight attendant says to him, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we only allow one carrion."

Was The Little Mermaid directed by a pilot? Because it's mostly Ariel footage.

Bill Clinton is on Air Force One when the Flight Attendant approaches with the lunch menu... Bill looks at the menu briefly, and then looks up and down at the attendant before giving her a wink. He leans over and says "Well, I sure could go for a quickie right about now." The Attendant is flattered on some level but quickly starts flushing red at the terror of being about to learn just how far she'd go to keep her job. Al Gore is sitting right across from Bill reading his own menu, and immed…

An Arab, an Israeli and a Mexican are on a plane. The pilot says that the plane is losing altitude and that the men need to throw something out of the plane to reduce the weight. The Mexican throws his collection of sombreros and the Israeli asked him why he threw the sombreros, the Mexican said "ah, we have plenty of those in my country". The Arab then threw his falafels and the Mexican asked him why he threw the falafels and the Arab said " ah, we have plenty of those in my country". And th…

I am Pierre Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a litt…

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight... After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Two explorers crash in the jungle. They were flying over it when a reactor of their plane started malfunctionning; the plane crashed. The two explorers were rescued by a local, cannibal tribe. "We going to eat you" the leader said. "We not eat you if you do challenge." "What's the challenge?" Said the pilot of the plane. "You two go in jungle and bring back ten fruit." The two hostages ran I to the jungle and started picking up fruits. One of them got all the fruits needed and headed back t…

Pilot and Co-Pilot The pilot was Jewish, and the co-pilot was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't like Chinese." The co-pilot replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? WHY is that?" The pilot said, "You guys bombed Pearl Harbor. THAT'S why I don't like Chinese!" The co-pilot said, "Nooooo, noooo ...Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbor. That JAPANESE, not Chinese!"…

Two pilots are landing a plane. Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere. When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!" The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!

A blonde gets in an airplane... It is a one way flight to New York city and she sits down in the first open seat she sees. Moments later a man walks up to her and says, "umm, miss that's my seat." The blonde replies by saying, "Im blonde. Im beautiful and im going to new york." So the man goes to find a flight attendant to ask her. She goes up to the blonde and says, "mam, that is not your seat please move." To which the blonde declares, "Im blonde, im beautiful and i am going to new york." …