Airplane Jokes

A blonde gets on an airplane A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good jo…

I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app... When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed.

A Frenchman, Englishman and a woman on a plane. There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and a woman sitting together on a plane. The pilot made an apologetic announcement that the passenger lighting was faulty and may go out for periods of time during their journey. Right on cue, the lights went out and it was completely dark. Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud *SLAP*. When the lights came back on, the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had h…

Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never f…

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks... Eugene and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Eugene would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Eugene, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Eugene and Edna went to the fair, and Eugene said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied, "Eugene that helicopter ride is fifty bu…

Blonde boards a airplane A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job an…

HELISOFT A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. …

Two men want to go moose hunting in Northern Canada... They find a guide who tells them he'll fly a plane for them, but they are only allowed to shoot one moose because the small plane cannot hold more than one. He explains that last year two hunters convinced the pilot to carry two moose and the plane went down, killing the pilot and seriously injuring the hunters. The two men agree to these terms and they are off. The guide drops them off and says he'll be back tomorrow afternoon. The men…

An American, a German, an Irishman and an Englishman are on a plane... The plane has four engines, and one of them fails unexpectedly. The pilot says the plane cannot support their weight, so one of them is going to have to jump. The American steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while later, another engine fails. This time, the German steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while after that, another engine fails. This time the Irishman step…

A nazi plane is shot down somewhere over a North African desert; the pilot survives. He wanders for nearly two days. Having quickly run out of water, he is crazed with thirst when he crawls over a sand dune and sees an elderly Jewish man standing in front of a table covered in neck ties. "Water, water..." croaks the Nazi pilot. "I don't have any water, unfortunately," apologizes the Jewish man. "I do have these lovely neck ties though. Would you like one?" "You stupid, filthy Jew," curses th…

Blonde Joke There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Baltimore with a box of frozen soft shell crabs and asked a stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly bef…

One day Junior brings his Grandfather to school to share his stories as a Franco-American fighter pilot during WW2 His stories are wonderfully delightful and told with a thick French accent, while gesturing wildly using his hands to describe the movement of the airplanes. “Zee fawkers fly like zees. Zen I fly like zees. Then zee fawkers fly back like zees, zen I pull up like zees. I shoots zee fawkers right out of the sky.” The teacher said, “I'm sorry to interrupt, sir. I know you kids are …

Lets talk. A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A h…

While we're in the business of Texas jokes... A blind man decides to take a vacation. After talking to a few friends, he is convinced that he should visit Texas. He books his flight and soon after heads to the airport. He gets on the plane, and while finding his seat exclaims "Wow, these seats are much larger than normal!" One of the flight attendants turns to him and says "Everything's bigger in Texas." He arrives in Dallas and decides to try some local cuisine. He orders a BBQ burger, and af…

Malasian airlines Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

WW2 pilot recalls a morning patrol in front of son's school class A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down. "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held territory, wh…

A blonde a Catholic and a Boy Scout So a blonde going on vacation, and a Boy Scout on his way to retreat with his father get on a small aircraft with the pilot who is an old and devout catholic. The pilot sees the Boy Scout is shouldering a large pack and takes it from him, laying it near the door. They all take their seats and get up in the air. Soon after, the plane's engines stall, and the pilot announces they are going to crash. "I only have two parachutes," the pilot says. "But I've li…

The Haircut A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Ro…

An old man and his wife go to the fair... *Sorry for long post, but it's worth it* They come across a stunt helicopter ride. The old man watches in awe as this helicopter does flips and various other tricks. "I'd love to go do that!" Says the man. "But dear," says his wife "it's $50 and I want our retirement money to last" "You're right honey." And the man leaves. They go the the fair again the following year. Again, the helicopter ride is there. The old man looks at his wife with longing in …

After asking several other people, a flight attendant walks up and asks a man a question [NSFW] Flight attendant: Sir, would you like some headphones? Man: Yes I would! How did you know my name was phones?

Ten dollars is ten dollars. Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airpla…

Two airplane mechanics Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt be…

A man boards a plane. An attractive flight attendant walks towards the man and asks: "Would you like some headphones?" The man replies: "Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

The long haul an airplane is shipping a large amount of bricks, when suddenly the pilot yells over the intercom "the plane is going down we need to lower the weight" what do you do? *throw out one brick* how do you fit an elephant in a freezer? *open the door, let him in, shut the door.* how do you fit a giraffe in a freezer? *open the door, take out the elephant, let the giraffe in, shut the door.* the king of the jungle is holding a party and all the animals show up except one, who is i…