Airplane Jokes

A man brought a dead animal onto a plane... When the flight attendant asked what he was doing, he simply replied, ""It's my carrion luggage!""

Pull out in time. A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said: ""If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: ""If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby plan…

Airplane going down As an airplane is about to crash, the pilot turns on the PA systems and says to the passengers, ""I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that this plane is going down, and is going down quick. The good news is that if we throw some people off the plane we might be able to recover."" The pilot then continues, ""OK, let's start alphabetically. Are there any African Americans on this plane?"" No one answers. ""Are there any black people on this plane?"" No one answers. "…

Three Men Brag About Their Sons. Three men are in a bar. They are talking about how great their sons are to their respective girlfriends. The first man says my son is an amazing pilot. He gave his girlfriend a plane as a gift he is the best. The second man says well my son happens to be a great carpenter he actually built his girlfriend a three story house. The final man says my son is gay but his boyfriend must really like him, he got a plane and a three story house from him.

A doctor a lawyer a priest, and a young boy are on a plane when the hits turbulence and is about to crash... There are three parachutes between the four of them. The doctor says ""Well I'm a doctor and I specialize in medicine and saving lives so I think I should live"", the others agree and the doctor takes the first parachute and jumps out. The lawyer says ""Well I'm a really smart man basically a genius so I think I should live too"", so he grabs the second parachute and jumps out. Now its th…

3 men are riding in an airplane over their city 3 guys were in a Cessna Airplane flying over the city they lived in. The first man said ""I love my city so much, I'm gonna drop this 50 cent coin out the window for someone to find. That will make their day!"" So he threw it out. The second man pulled out a roll of coins and said ""I love my city so much that I'll throw this whole roll of coins out the window! And he threw it out. The third man hated his city, so he pulled out an incendiary grenad…

How did the black guy get his pilot's license? He went to flight school, you racist bastards.

As a plane flies over the Atlantic an engine bursts... The pilot gets on the intercom and says ""Attention Passengers, please stay calm. We appear to be having minor engine problems, and in order to assure a safe, non-water landing, we have to ditch all non necessary weight"" So all the plane's drink carts and excess cargo and such is dumped, and the pilot returns to studying his gauges. After about a half hour, he realizes that the plane will not make a safe landing without losing more weight, …

This joke will work for a limited time only. A Priest, a Bishop, and a Cardinal flying are over Italy. Suddenly, the pilot has a heart attack and slumps over. The plane starts to crash. The Priest jumps up and grabs the controls but just at that moment both engines start sputtering and begin to fail. He turns to the Bishop and says: ""Monsignore, what do we do?"" The Bishop leaps into action and grabs the parachutes only to find all three fall apart in his hands having been chewed to bits by mic…

Jacque LaRock...Famous French Fighter Pilot (This joke is typically done in a French accent) A famous French fighter pilot walks into a bar and orders a glass red and white wine. He sees a beautiful woman, walks up to her, kisses her on the lips and then takes a sip of his red wine. ""I am Jacque LaRock, famous French fighter pilot! If I taste ze red meat, I must have ze red wine."" Ze woman blushes, ""Oh Jacque!"" He takes her to ze backroom. Things start to progress a little further, he starts…

One morning, the CEO of an airline company asked his chief procurement officer: -- So, what's the deal with airline food?

Only three doors An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and s…

In the spirit of a TIL that made it to the front page. I'm sitting on this plane and the pilot comes on the PA system to tell the passengers that we are now flying at cruising altitude and all that nonsense but when he put the phone down he missed the hang up. All the passengers could still hear the pilot as he turns to to copilot and says, ""You know I could really go for a a cup of coffee and a blow job right now."" The flight attendant went running up the aisle to tell the pilot he didn't han…

A Beautiful Day for a Parachute Jump A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. He pulls the rip cord and nothing happens.....pulls the reserve and nothing... as the earth rapidly approaches he decides that he might as well enjoy the view on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, ""Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"" …

A man was sitting next to the Pope on an airplane. The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. Suddenly, the Pope turns to the man and asks, ""My son, do you know a four letter word referring to a woman?"" The man, having just gotten out of a terrible relationship, could easily think of one, but he knew the Pope wouldn't appreciate it. Instead, he says, ""Father, the word you are looking for is 'aunt'."" ""Ah,"" said the Pope. ""I don't suppose you have an eraser?""

Jokes to offend Abrahamic religions * JESUS SAVES! HE PASSES TO GRETZKY, GRETZKY SHOOTS, GRETZKY SCORES! * How was copper wire invented? Two jews found the same penny * What did the jew do when he heard clouds had silver linings? Got his pilot's license * Why doesn't Jesus eat skittles? They keep falling through the holes in his hands * Why did Mohammad marry a nine year old? The goat was engaged * Why do showers have 11 holes? Because jews have ten fingers * Why do jews have big noses? Because …

A priest and his grandson, a doctor, and a lawyer are on a plane... The pilot says over the intercom that the engines have failed and the plane is going down. There are only 4 parachutes. The pilot grabs a parachute and jumps. The doctor says, ""I save lives every day, so I deserve to live."" He grabs a parachute and jumps. The lawyer says, ""I am one of the smartest men in the world, so I deserve to live"". He grabs one and jumps. So the priest turns to his grandson and says, ""I have lived a l…

So A Rabbi is on an airplane... ... And it crashes on an island. He meets some ""Trids"", small fuzzy creatures, and joins their tribe, They warn him that every decade, a monster attacks them. Well, eventually, the monster attacks. The Rabbi pleads to the monster: ""Please! Don't kick around these poor creatures! If you are to hurt anyone, let it be me."" The monster looks him dead in the eye, and says: ""Silly Rabbi! Kicks are for Trids!""

A couple visits the mountains on their honeymoon... They were walking by and saw a sign for a helicopter tour. The man turns to his wife and says, ""What do you think, honey? Want to give it a try? It's only fifteen dollars"" ""I don't think so, dear."" She replies. ""We just got married and don't have a whole lot of money and fifteen dollars is fifteen dollars."" A couple of decades later the couple returns the mountains, and again pass the sign for a helicopter tour. The man turns to his wife …

Some questions... How do you throw a brick out of an airplane? [Open the door and throw it](/spoiler) How do you put a giraffe in a fridge? [Open the fridge and put the giraffe in it](/spoiler) How do you put an elephant in a fridge? [Open the door, remove the giraffe and put the elephant](/spoiler) There was a meeting in the forest where all the animals gathered except which one? [The elephant, its still in the fridge](/spoiler) A swamp is filled with crocodiles but still a lady crossed it easi…

So this plane is flying over the atlantic. So this plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean. The captain comes over the loudspeaker and says, ""One of our engines is malfunctioning but we should still make it to our destination just a little late."". 30 minutes and everyone hears a loud BOOM. The passengers get nervous and start looking at each other. The captain comes over the loudspeaker again, ""We uh... have a problem. Another engines has gone out and we won't have enough fuel to make it. We'…

Since you liked the first one...more Russian jokes. (Airplane Intercom Version) ""Good afternoon passengers. We are currently flying at 20000 feet. If you take a look out of the windows on the left-hand side you will get a good view of our left engine on fire. If you look out the right-hand side windows you will see our right wing has fallen off. Below the airplane you will soon see 5 parachutes. Our crew thanks you for flying Aeroflot. We wish you a pleasant journey to wherever your final desti…

Obama, Michelle, and Oprah are on a plane together... .... Obama says, i can drop 1 $1,000 bill and make someone really happy! OK, Michelle says... I can drop 10 $100 bills and make 10 people really happy. I got you, Oprah says... I can drop 100 $10 bills and make 100 people happy! The pilot pops his head around the corner and says ""I can drop one plane and make a 155 million people happy"".

From Memphis Belle A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace and was captured by the Nazis on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them ""Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a bombing mission?"" The Nazis figured there was no harm in it and the leg was dropped in the next raid. A week later, his other leg succumbed to his injuries …

Always remeber the Alamo An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says "" We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive "" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers ""God Save The Queen "" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and holler…