I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I'm a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

what's the deal with "airplane food?" newsflash, jerry: it's called jet fuel.

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

I wonder what those old comedians who made livings cracking wise about airline food are doing now that there's no such thing.