Airplane Jokes

An Israeli Joke An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: ""Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry Christmas. To those of you in the aisles getting your suitcases from the overhead bins, welcome home.""

Fighter jock and the cargo pilot A cargo plane is flying along, doing its cargo plane thing, when a fighter jet comes up alongside. The fighter jock decides to poke some fun at the pilot who's forced to fly such an ungainly vessel. ""My plane's so much more advanced than yours. Watch this"" says the jock, as he proceeds to do loop-de-loops, barrel rolls, corkscrews, and all manner of fast paced aerial acrobatics. ""Very impressive,"" responds the cargo pilot. ""But that's nothing, watch this."" …

What do you call a black man who flies a plane? [2 part] A pilot, you racist. What do you call a Japanese man who flies a plane? A pirate.

I am Pierre, French fighter pilot!! Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!' Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. 'What are you doing, Pierre?' says the startled Marie. 'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!' She smiles and they start kissing. Things began…

A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital. The patients are going all crazy in the cargo playing a soccer with an invisible ball. The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes in the back to make them stop the noise. They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again. The pilot asks the co-pilot to give it a shot at calming the patients down. The co-pilot goes in the back, the noise stops, and he return…

The snake and the skunk A man and his wife are coming to America with their pet snake and pet skunk. As they are walking up to the gate, about to board the airplane, they read a sign that says no pets allowed through customs. The wife gets a little distressed and asks the husband, ""What are we going to do?"" After thinking for a few minutes he comes up with the solution that he'll wrap the snake around his waist and act like it's a snake skin belt. She nods her head in approval. Then the husban…

A couple attend a TV show screen test... A couple are at a screen test for a new sitcom featuring a really annoying room-mate called Ted. They watched many different test scenes from the pilot, each showing a different aspect of the room mates character. There was one where he refused to clean up after himself, one where he every time he caught a glimpse of himself he would stare for a good minute or two, even one where he refused to wear clothes. After the viewing they were all asked to fill ou…

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied, ""Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty …

The U.N. delegates of the world were in a plane headed to New York for a peace summit. Thirty minutes into the flight, the pilot announces that an engine has been blown, and he demands they throw all the seats off the plane. After detaching the seats, they throw them off. Thirty minutes after that, he announces another engine has been lost., and he demands all carry-on luggage be throw off the plane. Thirty minutes after that, he announces that another engine has been blown, and requests that th…

taxi cab A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home. Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else until he can mail the fare to the taxi driver. ""You ain't got ten bucks for the cab fare to the airport? Get out of my cab!"" yelled the taxi driver. The man walks to the airport, flies home, and for…

We all know someone like this A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, ""Rome? Why would anyone want to go to Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"" ""We're flying on US Air,"" was the reply. ""We got a great rate!"" ""US Air?"" exclaimed the hairdresser. ""That's a terrible airline. Their planes…

Blonde becomes a flight attendent An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the pho…

Don't press # 3 On an airplane there is a mens and womens bathroom. The guys bathroom was broken so the men had to use the womans bathroom. Well, this man has to go to the bathroom so he stands up and walks to the back of the plane. Before he goes in, the attendant tells him not to press #3. The man takes a dump and pushes #1; this thing comes out and wiped his ass. ""Wow,"" he exclaims, ""we don't have THAT in the mens room!"" Intrigued, he decides to press #2; the toilet flushes and air freshe…

A flight attendant says to a man... ""Would you like headphones?"" The man replies, ""How did you know my name was Phones?""

Gambling with Blondes There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him. The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minute…

3 Survivors 3 survivors of an airplane crash were walking on the desert. They were a banker, a drunkard and a miser. All in a sudden they found a magical oil lamp, they rubbed the lamp, unexpectedly unleashing a genie, who revealed he would grant each of them three wishes. The genie asked the banker, ""What do you want?"" The banker said, ""I want lots of money, lots of pretty girls, and I wanna go home!"" The genie snapped his fingers, the banker was home with money and girls. Then the genie as…

Nervous about flying I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. ""I'll take care of it,"" she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned ove…

Racist Pilot There is an airplane flying over the ocean. The Pilot says:""Ladies and Gentlemen... We are crashing!"" Everyone: "" OMG OMG OMG!"" Pilot: "" The reason is that the airplane is too heavy, so we will proceed to throw some passengers out to save ourselves!... Let's make this fair and go alphabetically."" The pilot then starts: ""Is anyone Africanamerican?"" Noone answers. ""Ok, is anyone Black?"" Again noone answers. ""Alright, is anyone Coloured?"" Still noone answers. A kid in the m…

What happened when the fat woman backed into the airplane propeller? Disaster.

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist bastards.

3 men on an island So , three guys were on a plane during their vacations. The plane started failing and the pilot had to land on a deserted looking island, in which only a tribe lived. the only people that survived the tough landing were these guys. Guy 1. : "" let's go look for some food"" Guy 2. : ""Sure, let's all walk in different directions and when you find a source of food come back here"" Guy 3. : "" Alright but we should all come back after sometime to find out if someone else found so…

I wouldn't want to fly Virgin. Who'd want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way?

A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

A co-pilot walks into a library and asks for a number of books on suicide. The librarian says ""Are you going to take them all out with you""? ""Hmmm"" he replies ""That's a good idea""

NBC TV is planning a new series, ""Airline Tragedies"" They are putting together the pilot right now.