Military Jokes

The French Army uniform At an 18th century European peace conference, a French General struck up a conversation with a British General. The Frenchman asks the Brit, ""Why is that your troops go into battle in those bright red coats? They seem awfully garish and opponents can see them coming from a mile away."" ""Well,"" says the Brit, ""the red coats are so that if a soldier is wounded his fellows won't be able to see the blood and despair."" ""How clever,"" responds the French General. ""I can …

Military shouldn't hire people named Will.

A Dark Joke A marine hits the beach during D-Day. As he wades ashore under fire he drops his gun in the water. He runs up to his commander and says, ""Sergent! I lost my gun!"" ""Son! If you see a German, pretend you're holding a gun, point it at that sonnofabitch and shout 'Bangity-bang-bang'!"". The marine thinks this is dumb, but advances up the beach, sees a German, points his fingers at him, and shouts ""Bangity-bang-bang!!"". The German falls over dead. The marine thinks this is ok, and mo…

Why did all the black people die in the war? Because when they captain said, ""GET DOWN!"" They all started dancing..

An old man dressed in a very aged, worn flight suit approached me today at the store. He had a question for me. He asked, ""Excuse me, Where can I find the cheapest Doctor in town?"" I just moved to a small military town, and before moving I worked at a hospital. While working there, my patients had asked me some pretty interesting questions, especially the ones who had dementia. So without hesitation I responded naturally and honestly: That I was new to the area and was not yet familiar with an…

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman try to join the special forces. For the final test the men are each given a gun and told they must go into a room and kill their wife. First the englishman goes in and after 5 minutes comes out crying saying he just cant do it. The scotsman goes in next and after 10 minutes he come out crying that he just cant do it. Finally the irishman goes in and after 20 minutes leaves the room out of breath and covered in sweat ""what the hell happened in there?"" said t…

A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar... The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's *SemperFi* tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him. ""This one is on the house bro"", he says. ""Thanks man,"" said the patron. ""Look"" he says... ""would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"" ""Sure"" said the bartender, and he patiently holds it while the vet sips back the frosty nectar. ""If,"" says the armless man, ""you'd reach in my right-…

I've got one for you. Game of War. Hardcore? Maybe if you're my mom.

[joke request] Civil engineering jokes, (Bridges, sewers, roads, engineers in general) What is the best joke you have related to Civil Engineering.

Once upon a time you were the enemy So i work at a veteran's resource center and one day an old lady was guessing people what branch of service a veteran was. She told a friend of mine you looked like a marine and the guy pointed to my friend who had a thick beard ""well his a marine too"" then the old lady said he looked like the enemy. A few days pass a asian friend of mine told that bearded guy a joke referring to what the old lady said. Then the thick bearded guy said ""Well once upon a time…

a few lighter-side ""yo momma"" jokes in general, the vast majority of ""yo momma"" jokes I hear are simply nasty or mean, with the only ""humour"" lying in the gross factor and/or the insulting nature of the dig (obviously those belong in /r/insults). but every now and then I hear a good one that makes me genuinely laugh, usually because of a silly and/or unexpected element. here's a selection: yo momma's so short on her driver's license picture you can see her feet yo momma's glasses are so th…

I came back from war to find out that I had missed the birth of my wife's second child. Turns out, I also missed the conception.

A marine is on his way home from a tour of duty and finds himself seated next to two Arabs in the airport. He has a little time till his next flight, so he takes off his boots and sets them down next to him. He looks over to the two Arabs and, thinking it'd be taken as a gesture of goodwill, says, ""Would any of you like a coke?"" One of them nods yes, so the marine gets up to go to the vending machine around the corner. One of the Arabs whispers to the other, and snickers as he spits into one o…

From Russia with love (Cold War Edition) Vlad and Ivan are hero KGB agent, and Glorious Komrade Kommander Igor is soon to celebrate day of birth, present required. Much debate on gift as date is near, tension high. Vlad says ""I know, we give Glorious Komrade Kommander book."" ""No, no is no good"" replies Ivan, ""Glorious Komrade Kommander already have book.""

An unemployed engineer gets lost while going to a job interview at the navy base Woops, wrong sub.

Man decided to join the Marines (true story about my Grandpa fighting in Korea) Man decides to serve his country. He was debating on whether he should join the Army or the Marines. The Army recruiter was convincing but the Marine recruiter kept saying ""Semper Fi, Semper Fi, Semper Fi"" The man signs up for the Marines right on the spot. After all the paperwork, the man asks the recruiter when will he get his $75 Dollars...

The religion of bras. There are basically 3 types of bras for women that can be described in religious terms. There's the Catholic bra: it holds the masses. There's the Salvation Army bra: it uplifts the downtrodden. There's the Baptist bra: it makes mountains out of mole-hills.

What is the Greek Army's motto? Never leave your buddy's behind.

Why did the Space Marine shoot the Tailor? The heretic kept crossing the warp

Military Jokes - Military Humor - Funny Military Jokes - Jokerz Military is tough, but it can be fun with some military jokes. Find out more ways to make fun of your Jar head friends with some military humor and funny military jokes.

Soldier had his dominant hand blown off Guess you could say it was an explosive breakup

A biologist, a physicist and a chemist visit the beach... Three scientists visit the beach, a biologist, a physicist and a chemist. The biologist is so amazed at the marine life that they walk into the ocean never to be seen again. The physicist is so amazed by fluid dynamics that they walk into the ocean, never to be seen again. The chemist looks at the ocean, picks up a stick and writes a simple observation in the sand. ""Biologists and physicists are soluble in water.""

An exam in the millitary. An officer (O) asks a soldier (S) a tricky question: ""You are on a plane with four terrorists. One is right behind you - he has a knife. Another one on your left - he has a gun. Another one on your right - he has a rifle and the one in front of you has a bomb. What will you do?"" S: ""What kind of plane is it?"" O: ""Whats the difference. An IL-86 (normal passanger plane)"" S: ""How high are we?"" O: ""Whats the difference?"" S: ""I need it to answer"" O: ""Hmm 10 000 …

My dad's dad joke a few moments ago My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past …

It was at the height of world war II... ... and Hitler decided to invade Britain. So he asked the head of the Kriegsmarine to study plans for a water assault on Britain and carrying ground troops. After a brief study, the admirals conveyed with the Fuhrer, and told him that it was absolutely impossible, there was no way the Reich could muster enough ships to carry all the troops and the logistics necessary. The only way would be to do like Moses, and part the water of the English channels like …